being judge and jury

you are absolutely right. i am judgemental. completely unapologetic and judgemental. you decided to drink, get into a car and drive, then hit an innocent family and kill little kids. you’re damn right, i judge you. you are an absolute piece of shit. 50 years in jail where you do hard physical labour until you die, would be too good for you. how about you? you speed to go through a red light, slam into 22 year olds car, breaking his arm, 4 ribs and his hip before his car is slammed into the bus shelter, critically injuring the 60 year old woman waiting on the bench inside. yeah. i judge you too. you are a fucking idiot who deserves to get both legs broken and then pay for the care of the people you injured until they heal and pay for the therapies they’ll need because you were an idiot. how about the absolute winners who leave their children in cars wile they go shopping. omg. if i hear about 1 more child who dies because a parent or caregiver forgets about them in a car, i am going to lose my fucking mind. i’m sick of mindless selfishness. sick of hearing about excuses and mitigating circumstances. stop it. if an eye for an eye was a thing, the world would NOT go blind, they’d be a hell of a lot more careful about the choices they make because what they do unto others will be done unto them.  you’re damn right i judge you because the current laws seem to have forgotten how to. darwinism isn’t working anymore because we are protecting people from their stupidity and the natural selection that would have prevented them from passing idiot genes forward into the next generation. darn right i judge.

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tired x173

tired to the power of 27. physically i am pushing myself. thanking mid life and female hormones for believing i need as much padding as possible. i should be grateful. in times of famine, my incredibly adaptive body is designed to operate on 4 grains of rice and 11 leaves a day while gestating a fat and healthy off spring. incredible survival skills my DNA is hardwired for. i feel bad for all the skinny people who’s lineage will die if we have a nuclear winter or catastrophe. my family? we’ll thrive if we have an occasional cricket or june bug. my people will live forever. so i’m basically immortal, not chubby.

Posted in a womans body | 3 Comments

sexual frustrations

the sexual frustration i am experiencing is not assuaged by manual stimulation, not penetrative toys, not oral stimulation leading to orgasm. all are temporary release of the pressure, but the build up of needs behind it, remain and continue to escalate the moment i am self aware again. my body aches for a man to use his cock to pleasure me in ways nothing else can measure up to. it’s a primitive longing, deep inside of the medulla oblongata and resides at the sensual core of who i am and how i define myself as a sexual creature. i fantasize about ejaculate. about the need for a man to lose himself inside of my body and bury his seed deep inside of me so that it’s heat is felt against my womb, long before glossing over my inner thighs. there is nothing more powerful than being completely taken by a man who needs your body to satiate his mind and soul.

Posted in a mans body, Relationships, Sex | 4 Comments

taste me, touch me, leave me

the taste of me is thickly smeared all over your goatee and moustache so that when your lips smash against mine, demanding, pushing, forcing response,  the heady scent of female musk and juices slide silkily all over my full lips, across my face and neck where your kisses and bites leave a shiny trail your tongue snakes across, reticent to leave a single morsel behind, before quickly coming back, breathing deeply and kissing me until the world spins upon the axis which is your impossibly hard and demanding cock.

how is it i’ve accepted the mediocrity of touch and lack of passion which other men possess, with their seeming inability to feast on the bounty i possess and offer to them. that their intimidation un-mans them so their bodies and mind fail to live up to expectations and promises. how is it in their lives, they’ve never been touched and consumed by a sexual woman who understands the cadence of a mans desire and feeds his soul by giving him that which he needs, more than his ability to speak of them?

perhaps they sense the succubus in my ancient female soul and it calls to them so they smash against the heaving shores of my womans body,  hands wide, desperately clutching at the soft swells of my ample breasts and the gilded curve of rounded buttocks or soft mound of a fertile belly. cast away by fortunes demise, choices made which led them into perilous terrain, i am that which can make them whole or can ruin them so all that remains is the lingering scent from between my thighs, inside of their mind, long after i’ve discarded them and turned towards a distant horizon and sights towards another who may last longer and live up to expectations.

Posted in a womans body, kissing, Relationships | 8 Comments

nipple blending

how bored are you today?

According to the experts, your nipple color is apparently your perfect lipstick shade  for your skin tone. needless to say, ive downloaded the Behr paint app to my smart phone, uploaded my nipple, and now have the most glorious, sexiest lipstick shade of Creamy Freesia to try and match at Sephora. it seemed more grown up than whipping my breast out while at the store to do comparison lip stick lines on my ta ta’s.

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waiting to wait

your eyes smile at me and i know you’ve missed me. i see you looking at me, searching with eagerness and discovering minute changes since our last encounter. i should feel something for you by now, but i don’t; not really.  i know you needed me, which is why i have agreed to be your companion and friend. faithfully communicating with me, devoted to ensuring that i trust you completely and resolute in advising me of your intention on staying in my life.

but my heart has heard that before and it’s been broken because i believed it. so now i am damaged and seemingly unable to allow someone past that wall of protection which fell around and buried my sad heart. you deserve better. sadly, even this fraction of who i am is more than what you’ve had and so you see bounty where i see barren fields. our perceptions are vastly different and yet it’s because we are so similar that what we do have is more than what we don’ have.

i believe you needed me, which is how you’ve kept me, as we have not had a sexual relationship to date. there are reasons things have not progressed, of course. timing and familial obligations. your insistence that you would not engage with me physically until you could prove your ability to commit to something long term and have me care about you as much as you care about me. it’s important to you that i trust you and so you’ve taken my weakness and decided to prove your resolve in repairing damage made by other men.

part of me fears your dedication. knowing that it’s been 6 years in the making, especially as i review a life of experiences which would never have been, had i allowed you purchase when you initially connected with me. i didn’t give you a second thought back then, but you never forgot about what attracted you to me and so you bade your time until i was ready. it left you very much ahead of me in regards to feelings and compatibility.

the fact is, we are very alike. how you handle life and your children, i love. we share a common view of the world and are on the same page. i’ve already told you had we been an arranged marriage that we would have been very fortunate. you are easily someone with whom i could live a life with, if we were not already encumbered with partners. perhaps for that very reason, i simply can not give you access to my heart. there would be far too much to lose and frankly, i don;t have anything left to give at the moment.

i can’t engage emotionally with someone when i feel like without the sexual aspect, it places me directly back onto the path i am currently on. i will never be in another sexless relationship again, regardless of what i feel for the person.    will. not. do. it.  and the longer we have gone on without? the more i worry that you need an emotional support system and romantic involvement without the physical aspect i require to feel fulfilled and happy.

i haven’t cared if you stayed or left. i have no connection to you. i am fine with or without you because who i am is enough right now. i’ve never recovered from my last heart ache and worse, i do believe it changed me into someone i simply do not know. so it looks like we are both waiting for something.

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shards of sand

things are not as they should be

as i want them to be or need them to be

i have no desire to fix it or break it

i’ve tried so hard to walk away, move on

i’t’s been years of pacing the same treadmill

not even caring that all my effort was resulting in noting

because that’s how broken i was after we ended

i did not break, i dissolved

i crumbled apart like a sand castle being smashed by waves

and now i live with shards of sand partially melted

over the glass of where my heart once was

cool, rough, beautiful and isolated in suspended brilliance

 

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out of the blue

my stomach dropped like it does when you are a little child and fall backwards while holding onto the chains of a swing as you pump yourself high into the air in a pendulum.

i wasn’t even paying attention to my surroundings as i wandered with my dog along an old and familiar path. she was happily bounding from one side of the trail to the other, sniffing and trotting, heeling then running ahead of me so she could stop and look back over her shoulder with an open mouthed, panting doggie grin of joy.

the mid morning light was diffused through the grey fog and light misting rain; it had muffled forest noises and made crispy leaves soggy, along the path beside the meandering river. it was cool and i was warm, with a big wool sweater under my oversized raincoat with my hands buried deep in my pockets, shoulders hunched against my ears. the hood was up, my hair parted so it hung down on either side of my face and half way down my chest, silvered with minuscule water droplets.

i was watching another large droplet form, winding it’s way down a curling damp tendril, to fall into a rivulet down the slick surface of my jacket, over the swell of my breast before disappearing from view, when i heard his deep and familiar voice greet my dog.

gasping, i physically froze while every other sense went into instant awareness and tight suspense. eyes flying to his, i saw him bend a knee to ruffle her fur as she jumped around his calves, excited to see him and unable to hide her joy at greeting an old friend. i had a flash of jealousy. wishing for a moment that i could throw myself at him, like she did. jumping all over him as his hands pet and stoked me, trying to have him touch everywhere at one as i whimpered in exuberant happiness, raining kisses all over his face as he laughed and ruffled her back, cupping her face and smoothing the fur back over her head.

god he was beautiful. so beautiful it squeezed my heart when i looked at him. he had changed so much in the years which had passed since I’d seen him last and yet looked exactly the same. his beard was longer, he looked tired. was that a small scar on the far side of his temple? my heart was racing. my breathing suddenly catching and ragged. my mouth was dry, making me lick my lips. i could see his eyes crinkling at the corners, fine laugh lines becoming more dominant with his boyish crooked smile towards me, as i stood frozen, looking down at him, three feet in front of me.

“hi”

he stood up, taking those last few steps between us. i watched as his eyes moved all over my face. he didn’t ask how i was. he reached for me. hands on either side of my face, fingers through my hair, meeting at the back of my head. his gaze had moved from my lips to my eyes. eyes that were quickly filling with tears. tears which were hopefully hiding the longing, the sorrow of our parting, for decisions made and not taken back, regret, promises, hopes, fear. i felt like my soul was vulnerable and exposed.

his smile slowly faded as his brows lowered; his countenance suddenly serious. our gaze locked and a million unsaid things passed between us. he looked as sad as i felt at that moment, just before he touched his lips to mine and my eyes closed, pressing the tears from my eyes to trail across both cheeks and which I felt him brush away with his thumbs. he kissed the corner of my mouth and then the salted trail of my tear, before pulling me firmly against his chest. one arm around my back, the other across my shoulders and pressing my head against his chest as my arms encircled his waist.

i took a deep and shuddering breath, inhaling the unique masculine scent of him, which he matched at the same time. we stood there in the misting rain, holding onto each other. it wasn’t until the dog shifted, off our feet, that we pulled apart. his hands came down my arms and he held my cold, wet hand in both of his. “i thought that was your car.”

apparently, this had not been the first time he had come to this trail which i had introduced him to. when he thought about us and longed for what was, he had made his way back over the years, sometimes alone and sometimes with his son. it made him feel close to the memory of when we were together. he had always looked for me. hoped he’d run into me one day as he turned a corner. and when he saw me that day, walking towards him in the rain, he was happy. he was sad. he was afraid. but most of all, he remembered how lonely he has been.

after all these years. both of us wandering along the same trail, thinking of the other, hoping that today would be the day and yet positive that it could not possibly happen. the worst thing about seeing him, was knowing that it’s all still there. every single desire, my incessant need to please him knowing he has the same. the ache was instant, intense and hit me hard. days later i can still feel the chance encounter; in the shaking arms, a sudden flutter, a deep sexual awakening that i believed gone, yet which had simply gone dormant.

as much as it was everything, it can never be anything, ever again.

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grow up little girl

little girl. don’t fool yourself. he’s calling and texting. getting all up in your business because he wants to fuck you. nothing more. that man doesn’t want a relationship with you. he’s not interested in you or your problems. he doesn’t care if you’re happy or what makes you sad. girl, all you are to him is an easy, yes. a way to get off without jerking on it himself. it doesn’t matter if he’s been using you to get off for one night or 3 years. you are a hook up. a booty call. a fuck buddy, if you’re lucky. you mean nothing to him and this is all it’s ever going to be.

so tell me something. why are you investing time, effort, energy into wishing or wanting things to be more than they are? if you haven’t figured it out yet, let me help you. it’s because you are damaged. there is something broken inside of you. you don’t value yourself or your sexuality. you are accepting marginal sex because you don’t understand what reciprocated emotional investment is. who hurt you? what happened that made you think giving up your body was powerful, when the exact opposite is true. you are more than the bitch on her knees who gives it up at his whim.

you will never have a relationship with any of the men you’ve fucked, so cut them off and out of your life. move on or at least stop the fucking car. figure out what baggage you are carrying and get rid of things that don’t fit you anymore, are out of style or are damaged. act like you are packing for a trip and only take the things which are multi functional, bring you joy and make you look good when you wear them. take care of them, and pack them away carefully because they are an investment from your past into your future.

your future is about personal empowerment. it’s about self pleasure. it’s about you making the rules and deciding what you want and then looking for the people and person who fits it. you will not bend to their will. you will either fit together or you will let them go. everyone makes mistakes, but choosing to make the same one over and over is pathological and you are better than that. and if you don’t think so, it just shows how far you have to go and how much work you have to do, before you are ready to have anyone in your life in a  meaningful or sexual way.

get right by yourself. it will attract people to you who should be there for the right reasons. invest in yourself. no one else will unless you show them you’re worth it. and you are.even if you don’t know it yet. you don’t have to plan for it or prepare for it. you simply start it. now. no need to wait unless you want to start the self sabotaging again. you know better. you are better. and somewhere along the way, you forgot. you started believing other people instead of that little voice inside of your head that told you things were not supposed to be this way. give that voice a chance to sing or even scream. silently accepting the shit you have, is no longer an option. you know better so do better.

Posted in advice, Relationships | 3 Comments

communication connection

you need a friend, a connection, a person who is engaged with what you say and who you are as a man and as a person. our marriages mirror each others so brutally perfectly. you are me, i am you. each of us hungry for communication first, even as we struggle with the high needs of a sexual nature, which we are used to placing on hold, on standby. you refuse to rush me and you refuse to allow my impatience to rush you. i’ve needed you. exactly you. and you had the patience to wait. talk about making a woman want you.

Posted in Affair, Relationships | 2 Comments