In the Beginning

I’ve been on a journey to remember who I am. I write when the choice, is to do so or die. I have a voice that’s never heard. I have a heart that’s never acknowledged. I am fighting a battle of learning to both let go and to trust and failing at both.

My story is like many others. Married over 25 yrs and was faithful for the first 22. Counselling, therapy, separation then reconciliation; repeat for 10 years. Learning he lied time and again. Learning that some things are too big to get over, even though you try for 15 years and realizing that you should never have tried to work things out in the first place.

You learn that the triggers never ‘really’ go away; that the lack of trust, always remains. Sometimes, you have to accept that when people show you who they are and what they need, you have to believe them. Even if it means that it ends your dreams as living as a married couple in a nuclear family.

Then something happens that’s a game changer. You are faced with the family illness and death; with serious personal health issues and it makes you realize how alone you are and suddenly you are brutally aware that you can not face it on your own. You feel something break inside of you.

And as you are falling, falling, falling down a spiral of blackest depression and realization of how alone you actually are; and as you are desperately flailing, trying to save yourself by grabbing onto anything to stop the fall, you are lucky enough to have someone reach out, grab your hand and give you the lifeline you so desperately needed.

“Who” it is, doesn’t matter. They promise to protect and care for you because they need you as much as you need them. You were falling together and now have saved each other while in free fall. It is a bond stronger than you can explain to someone who has never experienced it.

And it’s the reason why some people make the decision to cheat on their partner.

Being anonamous means this is the only picture I will share of who I am, because this is where my words come from; here and my heart

 

95 Responses to In the Beginning

  1. rgonaut says:

    Hi rougedmont, I’ve nominated you for a Liebster Award

  2. rougedmount says:

    i think i sent u an email?

  3. Karen says:

    I thought is was time to formally introduce myself. 😉 After all, I have been lurking around on your blog for a while now. I’m curious though – what’s your story? Who are you? I know, I’ve put it all out there. No mysteries left.

  4. clarafontaine says:

    Hi. I don’t know all of your story but I do see a lot of mine in what I have read of yours so far.

    You’re a great writer, and you give me great food for thought- thanks for putting it out there.

    CF

  5. secretthots says:

    I fear I’ve been remiss in extending my sincere thanks for your follow; I’m so humbled by your encouragement and support. 🙂 I’m still getting used to this bloggy wog land and not here as much as I’d like to but it’s a thrill to cross paths when we can and I look forward to more! Lola Moi xo

    • rougedmount says:

      i only actually just started using the interactive part in the last 6 months or so…and i have no idea how to use most of the features myself…i use it to write and express…and its been invaluable.

      • secretthots says:

        I hear you… on both counts. 🙂

      • secretthots says:

        Hi again,

        I’m only here briefly – my beautiful blog’s been deactivated. WP has temporarily allowed me to access my dashboard while I make a permanent shift to http://www.secretthots.com

        My ‘new’ blog is still a work in process… I hope to have it fully functional again by the end of the summer.

        I just wanted to thank you for your encouragement in this experiment of mine – it meant a great deal to me. I wish you all the best in your writing and in all you do – heart, mind, and soul.

        Lola xo

  6. Michael says:

    Hii. Thanks for visiting and following my blog. I really appreciate it.

    • rougedmount says:

      i find much value in your words…especially when you have struggled with faith and the presence of God in your life. i have learned to understand that He always answers prayers…its just sometimes His answer is, no.

      • Michael says:

        Awww. If He says no, its because He knows better, He is not a wicked God. Yes sometimes there could be delays, to which the Bible says : “the vision is yet for an appointed time,but at the end it shall speak and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come”…(Hab 2:3).

        Sometimes, it could just be that what we are asking for is not good enough for us. You know humans think and act like humans. Proverbs 14:12 says that: “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man,but the end thereof are the ways of death”

        He always means well for us. That is why He said “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” (Jere 29:11)…..

        Patiently read this post : http://justmikemon.wordpress.com/2012/12/23/keep-your-head-up-god-is-still-god/

        God bless you real good. Soon, He will pay you a visit you will never forget for the rest of your life !

  7. Hi & thanks for the follow, I really appreciate it.
    I like what you’re doing here, so am following you too!
    All the best
    Tony

  8. miss K says:

    Hi you,

    Not sure if you believe in awards and such, but I nominated you just the same…
    http://thediaryofkaren.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/sexy-blogger-award/

  9. shalynne says:

    You’ve been nominated for a “Sensual Blogging Award!” http://www.indiscretionsblog.com

  10. tburke says:

    Hi Rougedmount,

    You have a really great blog.

    Thanks

  11. Laurie Nichols says:

    Thanks for the follow, I really appreciate it. I’m like you, I am new to the blogging sphere, I have been writing for almost three years but there is still so much to learn. I like your style of writing 🙂

    • rougedmount says:

      Thank you very much for the kind words about my writing style. I look forward to reading your blog. I am rather inept at actually knowing how to use the features of the site..but I am learning.

  12. Ms. Vee says:

    Thank you for following my blog. I will revisit yours.

  13. Dear Rougedmount,
    Thank you for following me : )

  14. willowdot21 says:

    Hi Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and following . From what I can see my story is very similar to yours. I imagine most of us all very similar if anyone lives a perfect life in a perfect relationship they are either one of a blessed few or self delusional!! Be brave and be happy and be well. 😉

  15. Martian Poet says:

    thanks for stopping by 🙂

  16. johnedoej says:

    groovy little “about me” you have here,………

  17. jlpiallat says:

    I love your blogs,I also have a second blog on old pictures.
    piallat.wordpress.com
    SENSUALITE | La beauté à l’état pure

  18. kristikdavidson says:

    Your words are truly amazing. Each and every blog holds weight in my head and my heart, as if you have managed to put breath to my inner most thoughts and feelings. You have a follower for life, I feel as if you are my sister from another mister! 😉

    • rougedmount says:

      awwww.. thank you so very much for that! It is wonderful to know that you have found some value to the things I am writing..i tend to go all over the place..from past to present..i don’t really have a rhythm to what i write..it tends to come as i feel it or remember emotional responses to something.as to being a sister from another mister?…lol..my biological father did get around…

      • kristikdavidson says:

        It is the honesty within the rhythm of your writing that is so refreshing. Many people only think what you are willing to give voice too. Whether you are penetrating the reader with your shattered glass sheathed strap-on or you are letting us lap up the juices from your overflowing vessel, there is a pain/pleasure reality to each word you right that hits close to home. As far as the kinship thing goes, I too have a timeline….

      • rougedmount says:

        i very much value your insight into my writing..it feels nice to know it feels honest to you. pieces of my life are here…as real as it can be…that I can convey them in a manner that lets you understand them along with me, makes me happy…and i needed that today..so thank you for taking the time to let me know.

      • letlovego says:

        I agree with kkd…Even though I sometimes have never even had the words your write about, cross my mind, either in thought or experience, when I read them, they still resonate with me or relate to something in my own life! It’s fascinating to me, that I can read blogs (really just this one and maybe one other) and even though the topics can touch on things, as I just said, that may be somewhat foreign to me….I still get “something” out of it! And then I find myself impatiently waiting for the next post!

        I’ve said it before, but thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and words! (and sometimes, you use a word, that I have to look up! LOL! I will”think” I know what it means, but I will always look it up, so that when or if I choose to use it, I am sure how to do so! So really, it’s educational too, right?! 🙂

      • rougedmount says:

        omg..thank you so much for that..i still find it rather foreign that you or others might like what is inside of my head..and actually look forward to it! it makes me feel good..like i won’t be forgotten..
        as to my “words”..you have just inspired me to write a post about it..lol

  19. Tis true. I have a long story. turns out; I may have been clinically depressed most; if not all of my life. Imagine that. The Abyss and I are old fiends; yes “fiends”. You can’t really say friends; can you? At this point, I usually don’t talk about it much; unless there is a good reason. Further examination by me seems to exacerbate the problem. I have spent the past seven years or so attempting to find a cocktail that works and have ended up with a simple level one drug that does what no other has done; allows me to stand back a step and see myself more clearly. My doctor never started with a level one drug but went straight to a second level which worked but had amazing side effects. Now I am still depressed but I don’t want to die and I seem to be more clear about some things. Therapy is indicated in a big way but so far; I haven’t made it there; though I recommend it for others I meet. Wow. What a hypocrite; huh? Yes I know. No comment.

    Hey have a great day. Great work. Glad you decided to follow my blog. Welcome

  20. I am new to your blog but love your writing style…I will be back…Muah…
    xx
    Sooz

  21. Thanks for following my blog and in turn, introducing me to yours! I look forward to reading and exploring your blog! 🙂

  22. cptsd2013 says:

    “I have a voice that’s never heard” This pains me, but I am glad you are speaking up now! Because you deserve to be heard! Respect 🙂

  23. this blog is fantastic and I love your comments on your sexuality, very erotic

  24. B. K. Hung says:

    I just saw you, dear Rouged Mount, on the top 100 sex blogs (http://www.betweenmysheets.com/top-100-sex-bloggers-of-2013). Well done, girl. You’re the best! Keep it dirty. Keep it real. (Kiss, kiss) 😉

  25. great little blog 🙂

  26. Hi RougedMount, I’ve been asked to participate in a “Blog Tour” by answering 4 questions (below), and to invite a few other bloggers to do the same. I really like your writing, so I’d like to invite you to join in. It’s voluntary, so no pressure! I thought it would be neat to see what us writers come up with for these questions. We could learn a little about the “behind the scenes” of other writers.

    So here’s what I’ve been told the “Blog Tour” consists of : Answer the 4 questions, post your answers to your blog, and ask 2 or 3 other bloggers to join in, and then include the links to their posts on your blog. I’ll be posting my answers on May 15th.

    Blog Tour Questions
    1. What am I working on at the moment?
    2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?
    3. Why do I write what I do?
    4. How does my writing process work?

    What do you think? Like to join in?

  27. marcus says:

    Ciao M’lle
    For awhile I’ve wanted to say hello. I enjoy reading your posts. Your poetry most famously. Sharing your life story the way you do is courageous and I hope it helps you to find your heart to be filled with your desires.
    Also wanted to thank you for the most recent visit to my woods, boy did you ever visit. Am humbled by it. Sending you tail wagging face licks pppp
    Hope you smile more and more and even howl from time to time.

  28. REDdog says:

    G’day, I saw your follow and came over to have a poke around. I’m ever curious about how you found me, why you followed? I’m off to have a sicky-beak. Cheers REDdog

  29. 'Tis says:

    I’ve nominated you for the Bad Girls Bloggers Award, please take a moment to check it out and share the love. xo
    http://tispersonal.wordpress.com/2014/11/20/bad-girl-bloggers-award/

  30. Dawn D says:

    It seems our life stories are similar. Except I left that husband who was treating me so poorly about a year ago. We met already on a few blogs we read. I came to pay you a visit following ‘Tis’ post. I’m looking forward to reading more from you.

    • rougedmount says:

      well thank you very much for the follow and taking the time to read my posts. good for you for being such a strong woman and finding your power to move onwards and upwards to a world of possibilities.

      • Dawn D says:

        I don’t know if I’m strong. Most of the time I don’t feel it. But I suppose you’re right to some extent. It did take courage to say ‘enough is enough’ and now I’m going to show my kids a different life.

  31. lexjones1287 says:

    Love your blog…And I am excited to read more of you.
    Thanks for the follow on mine!
    -LJ

  32. mmm … you are always delicious … how can I get your attention and thank you for so many likes!!!

  33. iku2e says:

    thanks for the likes and fllowing me

  34. darkgemdom says:

    Wow
    you nailed it!

    M

  35. thank you for the follow. not sure why but I know I was following you and now I wasn’t but I fixed that. have a great day.

  36. billgncs says:

    beautifully sensual – you have a gift with words.

    • rougedmount says:

      thank you for thinking so…

      • billgncs says:

        Oh for the halcyon days of youth when hopes of love were enough.

      • rougedmount says:

        long forgotten, long forgotten

      • billgncs says:

        I looked through your blog – does laughter have a place in your passion ?

      • rougedmount says:

        it’s hard to know what context your comment was written in or what prompted it … did you peruse or did you read? did you click through a few related links or did you follow the weft of various strands. Humor is a very hard thing to write. I find my attempts at it come out as sarcasm…which is amusing as I tend to be rather frontal in my wording and sarcastic in my humor in real life.
        Real world: humor belongs to intimacy as joy is the flip side of passion. One can not truly exist without the other in some measure. Laughter is the byproduct of joy. When relationships become complicated joy diminished, even during intimate acts and thus laughter is one of the first casualties to the dissolution of a relationship. It’s why so many women want a man ‘who can make them laugh’ as a partner.
        Lust on the other hand, does not require joy or laughter to be present as the intensity of arousal does not allow for anything other than sensations to be present that have nothing to do with the lighter side of intimacy. Lust is darker, deeper and much more linear than laughter; and it’s why you won’t see it often, in my posts.

      • billgncs says:

        I actually started the comment with “perused” but switched it to read – because I did not study every entry. I especially enjoyed your poetry and think poetry helps write out the hurt.

        The difference between joy and lust is thought provoking – perhaps we self medicate the loss of one with the other.

        Anyway, the comment was not meant in a critical manner – I wondered if laughter sometimes ceases to matter. – bw

      • rougedmount says:

        i appreciated it and did not view it as critical at all…and laughter always matters if you want a content partner who doesn’t look elsewhere for it. the loss of it, is the canary in the coal mine.

      • billgncs says:

        yes, reminds me of a long ago story I lived.

  37. yasniger says:

    Thank you for showing interest in what I put out. I sincerely hope you continue to find my posts entertaining & pleasurable. Be safe.

  38. myarousal says:

    You had me at…….”I am fighting a battle of learning to both let go and to trust and failing at both.”
    You have an amazing blog……..You are a must follow…….*smiles*

    • rougedmount says:

      welcome to my piece of the pretend world..lol..my blog charts all over…randomness which pulls together the more that is read…several threads all whefting together…i hope you find it interesting enough to stay for a while

      • myarousal says:

        You didn’t notice me sitting in my lawn chair, a beer in the cup holder and my iPad reading……*rolls eyes*…….yes I’m staying a while…..I feel we’re fighting the same battle is some odd way…..I might have finally found a voice of reason in the middle of all the noise…..*smiles*

  39. flywithshaunak says:

    Hey, thank you for following me.

    I don’t know whether and how our interests match but it’s great to read your thoughts, your feelings, the feeling of loosing something that we can”t get back, the reluctance to accept, the reluctance by somebody to ONLY accept. And then the thought – Why me ? 22 Years is a long long time for you to bear the pain, the anger, the frustration and finally the ignorance.

    I don’t know who you are, where you live, what you do for a living but I would like to meet you… someday…

    Regards,
    Shaunak Marulkar
    Pune, India

  40. I just discovered your blog today and I love it. You write with passion and I really like that. Keep up the great work.
    xx
    Sooz

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