I’ve been on a journey to remember who I am. I write when the choice, is to do so or die. I have a voice that’s never heard. I have a heart that’s never acknowledged. I am fighting a battle of learning to both let go and to trust and failing at both.
My story is like many others. Married over 25 yrs and was faithful for the first 22. Counselling, therapy, separation then reconciliation; repeat for 10 years. Learning he lied time and again. Learning that some things are too big to get over, even though you try for 15 years and realizing that you should never have tried to work things out in the first place.
You learn that the triggers never ‘really’ go away; that the lack of trust, always remains. Sometimes, you have to accept that when people show you who they are and what they need, you have to believe them. Even if it means that it ends your dreams as living as a married couple in a nuclear family.
Then something happens that’s a game changer. You are faced with the family illness and death; with serious personal health issues and it makes you realize how alone you are and suddenly you are brutally aware that you can not face it on your own. You feel something break inside of you.
And as you are falling, falling, falling down a spiral of blackest depression and realization of how alone you actually are; and as you are desperately flailing, trying to save yourself by grabbing onto anything to stop the fall, you are lucky enough to have someone reach out, grab your hand and give you the lifeline you so desperately needed.
“Who” it is, doesn’t matter. They promise to protect and care for you because they need you as much as you need them. You were falling together and now have saved each other while in free fall. It is a bond stronger than you can explain to someone who has never experienced it.
And it’s the reason why some people make the decision to cheat on their partner.