so easy to forget

it would be so easy to say yes to you. so easy to forget you are unreachable. part of me thinks you are trying to resolve feelings you have for me. you don’t know what to do with a woman who has no conditions and who has stayed in your life while not having a sexual relationship with them. i can see you struggle with it occasionally. not knowing how to place me. clearly not wanting an emotional connection and yet having one, makes you uncomfortable, like wearing an ill fitting shirt. and yet you try.

the sexual attraction takes me by surprise. you’ll move a certain way. i see the shift of your shoulder under your shirt, or the light catches the shadow of your beard, and there it is. it makes me catch my breath. i respond with a powerful sexual awareness, that i’ve never experienced with anyone else. when it happens to me, you notice. we could be in the middle of talking and then i look up into your eyes, realizing i’ve gone silent and so have you. and you are looking at me, looking at you, with a feral hunger in your eyes or a flare to your nostrils which speaks volumes while nothing is said.

it’s like electric currents pass between us in those moments. i don’t even have to glance down, to know you are getting, if not completely hard, already. i can feel the gentle tingling of my nipples tightening as my pelvic floor involuntarily spasms. i have no idea why this biological attraction is there between us. it’s so unique to me i wonder if you have it with others, even though you said you haven’t. it’s just so strong. and distracting. i don’t trust you and never will again yet my body will not let me forget you.

i’ve known for years that you were the game changer for me. more than anyone before or after, it’s you. it’s always been you. the missing limb is accommodated and adjustments made to how you live after it’s gone, and yet the memory it, the sensations coursing through something which is not there, remain. It would be so easy to allow that to control me. so easy to simply lay with you and forget about how my heart will feel if i let you back into my mind.

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10 Responses to so easy to forget

  1. wow. just wow. you captured my thoughts of today though i’m not feeling entirely the same, the way you describe it is spot on

  2. jono51 says:

    For a year I have felt like this toward someone, but it hasn’t been mutual that I know of. Is it because I’m married with someone I like, but don’t love? Or is it because that someone knows and seems to understand me better than I do myself. I am afraid to find out or let my guard down.

    • rougedmount says:

      We become afraid to talk and be honest. Afraid to expose ourselves to hurt or rejection. It is easier to ignore it and guess, to be safe from consequences or self truths. Fear is a funny thing. It harms who we were supposed to be, if we were only brave enough to simply let it happen.

  3. jono51 says:

    Yeah, maybe my personal insignia should be a cowering chicken.

  4. kdaddy23 says:

    It’s so easy to let our fears of deep, lasting intimacy steal the joy of all of this; instead of being in the moment and letting nature run its course, we worry about being too involved, getting hurt, or otherwise disappointed. We forget that there aren’t that many chances in life to experience such things and when we don’t, we bitch, moan, complain, and whine about how unfair things are that you cannot experience unadulterated lust as you know you must…

    Because we let our fears make us foolish and allow them to steal our joy and this just isn’t right.

  5. kdaddy23 says:

    Sometimes, my dearest Rouged, the biggest regret in life isn’t what you’ve already done: It’s what you didn’t do when you had the chance to.

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