seasonal sidelines

after all these years and unresolved issues. knowing that you will never communicate with me as i need you to. seeing you make the choice to put your mother before me, year after year, by abandoning me physically and emotionally. knowing all your hidden history and inventing everything you refuse to speak about, i still miss you when you go. i still wish we had the marriage i thought we’d have. i understand why you do what you do, how your idea of a husband and father was shaped by your upbringing. you are far from perfect. neither of us are. but you make mistakes erring on the side of caution. you don;t take action because you don’t want the responsibility for them, if things fail. you need a scapegoat. and that’s always been me. but you love our kids. you work so hard because thats’s how you think love is shown, even when given direction that my needs encompass more than that. because you’ve sneered the sarcastic ‘love you’s’ at me in anger, when you say it in passing, i ignore it. i certainly never reply to it or say it back. it’s been 7 years since you’ve heard me say those words to you. and when i think about it, it’s probably been that long since you’ve heard it from anyone. certainly not your mother. as much as you seek her attention out, you’ll never be good enough or successful enough or smart enough. she has blinders on when it comes to you and her attention and affection came with conditions. mine never did. and yet, you still choose to keep the peace with her and ruin it with me and placed her needs over mine. then expected me to accept it. and i didn’t. so you ruined our happiness because i was not your priority. and still, knowing all this? i still miss you. i still want to be with you. i still want the potential for what we might have had. i miss all the years you gave up. and i start to cry thinking about the months i’ll be spending alone, while other people share connections and make memories. things will never change with you and so i did. i changed. and i sought it out from others what you refused to give me and what i couldn’t live without. and it didn’t fulfill me. it made me sad that you didn’t give it to me. because after all is said and done, even though i haven’t said it in a very long time. the truth is, i have loved you almost my entire life. even when i hated you and when you broke my heart and left me alone to deal with things to big for me to handle. and when another man holds me, or makes love to me; when he comforts me and needs me, all i can think about is how it should be you instead. you’ve complicated what should have been so very simple. and i wonder if any of it even matters to you.

This entry was posted in Affair, Husband, marriage, Relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to seasonal sidelines

  1. jono51 says:

    That is so sad and has many similarities in my relationship with my wife. It’s a shame we can’t all be the wonderful people we wanted to be.

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