i vacillate between believing I have un-diagnosed health issues which are impacting me in several ways or i am a hypochondriac with far too much access to web md. cognitively, i am aware of my body, what ‘normal’ feels like. yet for a woman ‘ normal’ changes so often, that it becomes a cruel joke believing normal is anything quantitative. for 2 years i have been going to my doctor and have had tests to diagnose what i ‘don’t’ have. and it’s bullshit.
i’ve stated with unequivocal certainty, what my issue was and provided the medical records from 15 yrs ago and medications i took. the reason i went off them is because they were not compatible with the ones i needed for PTSD/anxiety/depression for the period of 3 years or so i required them after i was violently assaulted and underwent group/behavioural/cognitive/individual therapy to resolve and learn to manage it.
ever since i’ve been off medications, i have been on a horrible decline and inability to function on what i consider a normal adult level. realistically, i function far far far below what anyone would consider a normal level. i can’t stay awake during the day. well i can. but it means i am exhausted. i live in chronic and utter exhaustion. like nursing a baby while having a toddler, kind of exhaustion. it doesn’t matter how many hours of sleep i have, i need 2 naps of 3 hr duration during the day, just so i can be in bed and asleep by 10pm and up the next morning naturally by 6:30-7am.
if i can’t nap, i feel impaired by 4pm. enough so that i don’t drive because i feel my reaction time is delayed. i don’t randomly fall asleep. but i can lay down anywhere at anytime and fall asleep immediately and dream. like on the cement floor of a truck stop or concert, kind of tired. by not laying down and napping, i am giving myself headaches, i get eye strain, i feel like shit. and i’m sick of tests ruling out things to get on medication i was on for years, simply because it is a stimulant.
i am basically ‘thisclose’ to looking for street drugs because i simply can’t take it anymore. i am not someone who abuses medication. i tolerate it simply to get me over situations. including the heavy pharmaceuticals. it’s massively impacting my work. i can’t focus because i’m exhausted. it’s like only having 2 good hours a day and i can’t get it all done that quickly.
i understand due diligence, but for gods sake, i can’t take this anymore and when you consider how many people get drugs who don’t need them, my asking for them, when i hate being on anything, should count for ‘something.’ right now i feel like a crazy person who keeps going back week after week month after month saying DO SOMETHING. I’ve got no patience left. i’m beginning to tell people i have tourettes because i can’t stop myself from saying ‘fucking idiot’ when someone acts like one, and it’s not like i’m being very subtle about it.