waiting to wait

your eyes smile at me and i know you’ve missed me. i see you looking at me, searching with eagerness and discovering minute changes since our last encounter. i should feel something for you by now, but i don’t; not really.  i know you needed me, which is why i have agreed to be your companion and friend. faithfully communicating with me, devoted to ensuring that i trust you completely and resolute in advising me of your intention on staying in my life.

but my heart has heard that before and it’s been broken because i believed it. so now i am damaged and seemingly unable to allow someone past that wall of protection which fell around and buried my sad heart. you deserve better. sadly, even this fraction of who i am is more than what you’ve had and so you see bounty where i see barren fields. our perceptions are vastly different and yet it’s because we are so similar that what we do have is more than what we don’ have.

i believe you needed me, which is how you’ve kept me, as we have not had a sexual relationship to date. there are reasons things have not progressed, of course. timing and familial obligations. your insistence that you would not engage with me physically until you could prove your ability to commit to something long term and have me care about you as much as you care about me. it’s important to you that i trust you and so you’ve taken my weakness and decided to prove your resolve in repairing damage made by other men.

part of me fears your dedication. knowing that it’s been 6 years in the making, especially as i review a life of experiences which would never have been, had i allowed you purchase when you initially connected with me. i didn’t give you a second thought back then, but you never forgot about what attracted you to me and so you bade your time until i was ready. it left you very much ahead of me in regards to feelings and compatibility.

the fact is, we are very alike. how you handle life and your children, i love. we share a common view of the world and are on the same page. i’ve already told you had we been an arranged marriage that we would have been very fortunate. you are easily someone with whom i could live a life with, if we were not already encumbered with partners. perhaps for that very reason, i simply can not give you access to my heart. there would be far too much to lose and frankly, i don;t have anything left to give at the moment.

i can’t engage emotionally with someone when i feel like without the sexual aspect, it places me directly back onto the path i am currently on. i will never be in another sexless relationship again, regardless of what i feel for the person.    will. not. do. it.  and the longer we have gone on without? the more i worry that you need an emotional support system and romantic involvement without the physical aspect i require to feel fulfilled and happy.

i haven’t cared if you stayed or left. i have no connection to you. i am fine with or without you because who i am is enough right now. i’ve never recovered from my last heart ache and worse, i do believe it changed me into someone i simply do not know. so it looks like we are both waiting for something.

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