the reluctant affair

i am positive that people who do not get sexually frustrated are biologically mis-wired, criss crossed, hormonally fucked instead of biologically. i don’t get it, understand it and to be honest, their lack of frustration, well, it frustrates me. it almost offends me. and it completely pisses me off when i am the non recipient to all of that non sexual chemistry, which is as flat as the pop you find beneath the sofa on a tuesday night after a friday night party.

my reality is that i am living with low grade pain which flares to rather intense at times. i try to not let it impact my schedule, though it does take a lot of physical effort to get through the day, leaving me exhausted and asleep the second i sit down. and to be honest, i spend a lot of time sleeping the last few months. and yet i am still sexually frustrated. still want to have sex. still want to be touched.

and my spouse takes my pain as a reason to avoid all sexual contact with me. so in pain and sexually deprived. and if i had sex it would relax me. no sex increases frustration. and yes, i could have sexual congress elsewhere. there are offers on the table. but the frustration is that i am attracted to the man i am married to and yet i am so angry with him and hurt by him at times, at least when i have not given up on everything.

unfortunately, wavering in your feelings and what you want is normal when you live in a celibate marriage. a forced and unwanted celibate marriage. which means it sucks. and not in a good way. because no one is sucking unless fucking starts happening. and why should i stay faithful to someone who is not providing the merest basic absolute minimum of sexual relief to the person they share a bed with while being naked.

sigh. i am so not fucked. which pushes me right into the arms of someone who wants to take care of that need for me.  the reluctant affair is real. and it happens far more often than you think. people who want to be faithful and have spouses who could care less about intimacy and sexual gratification for their partners.

 

 

 

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9 Responses to the reluctant affair

  1. Wet Bliss says:

    I’ve never lived this, but I totally believe it and what a shitty predicament! This blows, and not in a good way. 🤗

    • rougedmount says:

      I have to say, it is actually inconceivable to people who had never experienced it, including my younger self who would ‘never’ have accepted what I have since learned was not just acceptable but understandable. I mourn the loss of the righteous surety I felt as a young woman. Who knew life could be so complex and complicated?

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Sometimes, you just don’t have a choice and being enslaved to celibacy just cannot be an option…

    • rougedmount says:

      You know I know it’s not. But I have no energy to search for a solution…mentally or physically..lol..but you know, I truly believe that we do not have enough touch and contact or sexual expression in our lives. It’s so different as an adult compared to that which a child experiences. Kids always get touched and hugged and kissed. They laugh 800 times a day. And as adults we get touched less because somehow it becomes unacceptable as it is always seen as sexual. Or worse the sexual aspect of touch is villanized. It

      • kdaddy23 says:

        And you know that I know you’ve taken the solution that you can enact; I’d never, ever, fault you for seeking satisfaction elsewhere. We can be so funny about sex as adults and when we can’t have it when we need it, it’s either become celibate and miserable… or improvise, adapt, and overcome, making the best of the hand dealt to ya…

      • rougedmount says:

        the hands i wanted were not on me

      • kdaddy23 says:

        And that really sucks, I know… but at least you have outlets; so many women who share your predicament don’t have an outlet…

  3. Thanks for saving me writing that exact post. It pretty much sums up precisely what has gone through my head.
    I feel your pain.

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