i miss your heavy hands. confident in their touch. knowing what pleases me. i know you are bad for me. it’s why i don’t pretend what we had was real. but i know. in my heart i know. you are inside of me. you have been since the day you entered me. from the day i saw you. in quiet, peaceful moments you enter my mind. when i am aroused and wanting, you are there. i have never tried to fight against it because there will never be a time you will be divided from who i am. even as i go forward in my life, i know you will be the rustle of leaves in October and the reflection of sun off the bright new snow on a January morning.
i once would have lived with you in squalor, simply to feel how i felt while i was with you, all of the time. illusions. that’s what we create when we love someone. and i loved you. and i almost lost myself and the vision i have of the life i need to live, to have the future i want for my children. that future did not have you in it and my needing you, almost lead me to a path which would have created irrevocable harm to those i love the most and have sacrificed so much for. i gave up my path to ensure that theirs was easier.i don’t regret anything. and i miss you so much at times that i can’t believe i am able to function and be happy, without you. but i can. and i will. but god knows i want you.