reply to scifriedlv426

I’ve had a comment on my post The Forced Affair, that I want to take some time to reply to. He self identifies as “a coddled mama’s boy who feels inadequate, a (victim) of childhood abuse and self hate (who) feels alone and (is) going insane”. They share a child with special needs and both he and his wife have cheated, though his “wife has been on a long journey of self discovery.”

I don’t know enough about his situation to offer counsel, certainly not by 1 simple blog post. I can say from a woman’s perspective that our brains are wired very differently than a mans. My guess is that she has decided to stay with you or she would have already left.
Something may happen in the future which will be the straw to break the camels back and she may decide that day to change her mind and leave. The point is, why bother being so caught up in what may happen, instead of simply allowing yourself to enjoy the day?
You need to Blog. Write your fears and insecurities out. Try not to present them to her as such because it erodes the foundation of security that women want to build their families upon. Do you mean you are the only one emotionally or physically for your wife? Does it matter is she has sex elsewhere if she is committed to you and your children? To your life that you’ve built together? If by having multiple lovers, she is better able to be a better partner, who does it harm if she also handles her family responsibilities?

More importantly, why do you feel alone?Do you have emotional needs not being met? Physical ones? What is driving your isolation? Marriage is not about being together and having no issues…it’s about staying together when you are struggling and hoping to come out on the other side together after enduring your own battle for survival. Think about it as holding hands as you go over a waterfall. There is a lot that can happen on the way down, isn’t there?

You are both going in the same direction. Struggling to breath, each coming to the surface at different time or as opportunity allows. You are each getting battered by hidden rocks and debris, and occasionally the same ones if they are large enough. There is no guarantee you will both come out the other side, at the same time, or with injuries which prevent you from moving forward together. There is no expectation that you will both find your way to the same piece of broken driftwood to get your strength back.

Sometimes you have to journey separately a little while, before you can trust yourself to go the brief or great distance towards the other person, before they get lost from your sight as their path takes them further away from you on the same river. Sometimes the river forks and they go one way and you go another. Your children will be the beautiful island refuge between you if that happens.

You are living a lie if you believe marriage has no issues or that parents of special needs kids do not have monumental stress on them. We all handle that differently in order to survive it. One way id not better than the other as long as you are not harming others in the process. I say that if an affair happened, then you don’t have to let it be the thing that determines if the relationship is viable or not. It only acts as an alarm to the fact that your partner is struggling beyond their ability to handle things alone and feel like they are.

What are your needs? Why are you struggling? Why is your health impacted? What do you want? Where do you want to be? There are many questions you have which I can’t help with as they require a vast amount of interaction and guidance. If you’ve finally felt compelled to write…what has precipitated that decision? Why now? Things are not always as complicated as we perceive them to be. Oftentimes, simplicity is a matter of breaking things down to the core questions we need answered about our beliefs and who we think we are as people.

The question is, do you want to do the work to figure that out for yourself?

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4 Responses to reply to scifriedlv426

  1. Thank you so much for responding to me. It means a lot to me. I’m pretty new to posting online my writing so I’ve got a lot to learn. I’ve always been a writer, but my self doubt and desire to work for my wife and family killed those dreams in a way.
    I’m writing more lately than I have for years. Much like you I am using it as a means to cope and find out more about myself. I never wrote non-fiction, but now due to the traumas in my life it seems like a fit for me. Please read my posts. I am going to write about almost every event of my life and try not to sugar coat it much.
    As for my relationship with my wife, I’ve always loved and cherished her beyond words. I really don’t need anyone else but her. Like I said though, I feel inadequate. Maybe its because we are always bothered by children and obligations. Maybe I’m just too damn sensitive and not “alpha” enough for her. Maybe she wants me to be more adventurous and I’m just too fucking vanilla and religious to engage.
    The story of my relationship with my wife will be told as complete as possible in my postings.
    You are right, I do need to look into myself more and yes no marriage is easy. I’m trying real hard to improve our relationship lately. Truth is I’ve abused my wife. She’s been my mother, psychiatrist, lover, my everything. Maybe I’ve placed too much importance on her. Maybe she’s just a woman when I’ve always thought that she was a god, or built her up in my mind to be one.
    She swears to me that she never physically cheated on me. She admits to emotional affairs. She admits to leading men on and extreme flirting. I have trouble believing her. I know though that she has always been in need of attention and for the past few years, I’ve certainly not been very attentive.
    I’m medicating myself, writing, trying to be the man that I always wanted to be and not the man who needed her to guide me every step of the way.
    I wish love were easy. I wish we talked to each other like we used to. We both resent each other. I wish I were not such a worrywart and I could just take it day by day. I have so many fears and losing her is my greatest.
    Please wish me luck…

    • Sebhai says:

      What about your affairs?
      I mean what leads you to infidelity?
      And your said that losing her is your greatest fear?
      But then I heard you said you considered leaving her?

      • I’m sorry I didnt make it clear in my post. I never cheated on my wife. I did make mistakes. I guess Mrs. Mount thought that meant cheating. I didn’t always let my wife know how much I appreciated her. I was lost in work and family life. When I would get home I’d retreat into the backyard where I’d spend all night smoking myself to death. Truth is my wife is actually the only woman I slept with. I lost my virginity to her. My entire story will be told on my blog over the coming weeks. I write fast, its just finding time away fro kiddies to do so.

      • rougedmount says:

        cheating – can be emotionally or can even be cheating your partner out of a partner and substitute them for a parent or child like relationship. it can even be cheating with drugs addictions or alcohol.
        Relationships are not easy because you have an internal dialogue that people have a hard time turning off, that comes from the voices our parents gave us as children. We all have traumas or faced issues and the severity of which, may have changed us or our normal method of dealing with things.
        I know this. Change is a simple thing once you make the choice. Choosing is hard work. For men it is normally faster and easier to process. Make a list of who you want to be and the behaviors you want from yourself as a husband, a father, a friend and a son. List the things you’ve done which are counter intuitive and not conducive to what you’ve written. And then make a choice every day to act out what you want to be until it is no longer an act and you are functioning that way. It takes commitment and time. it takes effort and mental rigors. You may require counselling to assist you along the way. BUT…no one wakes up simply being who they are as we create this version of ourselves every day through all interactions we have.
        Decide who you are and what you need to be a fulfilled adult. and then begin.

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