I’ve had a comment on my post The Forced Affair, that I want to take some time to reply to. He self identifies as “a coddled mama’s boy who feels inadequate, a (victim) of childhood abuse and self hate (who) feels alone and (is) going insane”. They share a child with special needs and both he and his wife have cheated, though his “wife has been on a long journey of self discovery.”
I don’t know enough about his situation to offer counsel, certainly not by 1 simple blog post. I can say from a woman’s perspective that our brains are wired very differently than a mans. My guess is that she has decided to stay with you or she would have already left.
Something may happen in the future which will be the straw to break the camels back and she may decide that day to change her mind and leave. The point is, why bother being so caught up in what may happen, instead of simply allowing yourself to enjoy the day?
You need to Blog. Write your fears and insecurities out. Try not to present them to her as such because it erodes the foundation of security that women want to build their families upon. Do you mean you are the only one emotionally or physically for your wife? Does it matter is she has sex elsewhere if she is committed to you and your children? To your life that you’ve built together? If by having multiple lovers, she is better able to be a better partner, who does it harm if she also handles her family responsibilities?
More importantly, why do you feel alone?Do you have emotional needs not being met? Physical ones? What is driving your isolation? Marriage is not about being together and having no issues…it’s about staying together when you are struggling and hoping to come out on the other side together after enduring your own battle for survival. Think about it as holding hands as you go over a waterfall. There is a lot that can happen on the way down, isn’t there?
You are both going in the same direction. Struggling to breath, each coming to the surface at different time or as opportunity allows. You are each getting battered by hidden rocks and debris, and occasionally the same ones if they are large enough. There is no guarantee you will both come out the other side, at the same time, or with injuries which prevent you from moving forward together. There is no expectation that you will both find your way to the same piece of broken driftwood to get your strength back.
Sometimes you have to journey separately a little while, before you can trust yourself to go the brief or great distance towards the other person, before they get lost from your sight as their path takes them further away from you on the same river. Sometimes the river forks and they go one way and you go another. Your children will be the beautiful island refuge between you if that happens.
You are living a lie if you believe marriage has no issues or that parents of special needs kids do not have monumental stress on them. We all handle that differently in order to survive it. One way id not better than the other as long as you are not harming others in the process. I say that if an affair happened, then you don’t have to let it be the thing that determines if the relationship is viable or not. It only acts as an alarm to the fact that your partner is struggling beyond their ability to handle things alone and feel like they are.
What are your needs? Why are you struggling? Why is your health impacted? What do you want? Where do you want to be? There are many questions you have which I can’t help with as they require a vast amount of interaction and guidance. If you’ve finally felt compelled to write…what has precipitated that decision? Why now? Things are not always as complicated as we perceive them to be. Oftentimes, simplicity is a matter of breaking things down to the core questions we need answered about our beliefs and who we think we are as people.
The question is, do you want to do the work to figure that out for yourself?