the mistakes you make on purpose, push me away; making it impossible for me to resist the hands you are blind to, pulling me away from you. all you want from me is comfort in the role of substitute mother, for the one you never had; while they want the woman who has been ignored for 25 years and who they see as unappreciated and sexually unfulfilled. the only way i can stay with you, is to be with them and for me to give up the deep seated need to remain monogamous to the man i chose to stay married to, without feeling remorse for the need to live dual lives i never wanted. once again, i write the words that you refuse to hear when i speak them.
you are content to live a false life and do not want to know or hear my truths. you live by the code of don’t ask, don’t tell and are stunted at an infantile stage of emotional development. you don’t want to know who you are; you fear self examination or awareness, while i am the polar opposite. you’ve made this shared life my biggest regret. had it not been for my obligations, had i been more selfish, i would have walked away, physically, a lifetime ago. as it is, my only escape is through the emotional and physical connections i allow myself to have, when i am at a critical point in my emotional ability to cope with my current situation.
it makes me sad. for what i thought i would have with you and for changing who i am to accommodate you. for accepting less than i deserved and enduring a false marriage. it makes me angry at myself for not being more selfish or for believing in my childs needs over my own. things would have been so much easier for me, had i been more broken. the problem with being strong is that when you finally reach a breaking point, it tends to irrevocably destroy everything you believed to be true; even about yourself.