the forced affair

the mistakes you make on purpose, push me away; making it impossible for me to resist the hands you are blind to, pulling me away from you. all you want from me is comfort in the role of substitute mother, for the one you never had; while they want the woman who has been ignored for 25 years and who they see as unappreciated and sexually unfulfilled. the only way i can stay with you, is to be with them and for me to give up the deep seated need to remain monogamous to the man i  chose to stay married to, without feeling remorse for the need to live dual lives i never wanted. once again, i write the words that you refuse to hear when i speak them.

you are content to live a false life and do not want to know or hear my truths. you live by the code of don’t ask, don’t tell and are stunted at an infantile stage of emotional development. you don’t want to know who you are; you fear self examination or awareness, while i am the polar opposite. you’ve made this shared life my biggest regret. had it not been for my obligations, had i been more selfish, i would have walked away, physically,  a lifetime ago. as it is, my only escape is through the emotional and physical connections i allow myself to have, when i am at a critical point in my emotional ability to cope with my current situation.

it makes me sad. for what i thought i would have with you and for changing who i am to accommodate you. for accepting less than i deserved and enduring a false marriage. it makes me angry at myself for not being more selfish or for believing in my childs needs over my own. things would have been so much easier for me, had i been more broken. the problem with being strong is that when you finally reach a breaking point, it tends to irrevocably destroy everything you believed to be true; even about yourself.

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5 Responses to the forced affair

  1. Greetings,

    Long time reader, first time poster.
    I enjoy reading your posts as they seem to reflect my life. Sometimes eerily so. I am a coddled mama’s boy who feels inadequate, my wife has been on a long journey of self discovery. We have a child with medical issues and even more similarities. I’ve even asked if she was you. Lol.
    I wanted to seek your advice on some of the issues in my life if you have the time please.
    My wife and I’s relationship has never been perfect, but when we started out the world was our oyster. We had such wonderful and beautiful times that even now when things seem to be horrendous, I can look back and smile. Those were the best days of my life, being so young and in complete love with my best friend.
    We’ve strayed over the years. Half is my fault and half is hers. We both have strange mis-wired brains as a result of childhood abuse and self hate. I fear I can never truly please her and that I am late to her denied journey of sexual rediscovery. I feel alone and am going insane. She swears that I am the only one, but my ulcerated gut says other wise.
    Every day I alternate from wanting to be the better man and husband she needs me to be to clinging to my fears and insecurities. Do you think I should leave my family and pursue my second life? Do I believe her words which most would not? Do I live in ignorance?
    I’ve tried to ask what she wants but know that she would lie to God himself for the well being of her children.
    I cant live a lie though…

  2. Pingback: reply to scifriedlv426 | rougedmount

  3. Does he know that you’re sleeping with someone else?

    • rougedmount says:

      has he been told? yes. does he believe it? no idea. he refuses to discuss anything to do with sex/relationships/marriage or feelings. when i come home, does he say anything when i’ve go out all night or away for a week? no. i just continue the day: bring home groceries, cook dinner, clean the bathrooms, tidy up, mow lawns, clip dog nails, make banana bread and life remains exactly as it was and will be for him – neutral

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