I’m alive. I’m living in a world of neutrals and shades of beige. I am neither happy nor sad. I am not sexual nor do I pine for what’s lost. I exist. I live. I breathe. I wake up and slog my way through the minutiae of my daily life. I try to stay away long enough to go to bed at a normal time and then I fall exhausted into a mindless sleep where nothing is processed or dreamed about, until my bladder wakes me up and repeat the cycle again.

I’ve traveled. I’ve encountered new opportunities. I’ve met new people and let go of those whom I was required to for my own peace of mind. Yet, nothing seems to actually matter. I am strangely vacant. Lost loves that never were, lost friends who clearly weren’t, all have settled into the weight of the fabric which creates my life and has weighted me down with the knowledge that things are not as they appear. Life is not as it seems.

I trust my mothers love.Though I fear it will evaporate under the weight of issues. That I will become my mothers daughter and abandon my children emotionally, simply because she did; even though I know I won’t. But still…that creeping fear is always there. Just like my one of abandonment. Because I have been.

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7 Responses to

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    The fact that you have — and recognize — that fear is testimony to the fact that by your very nature you are anything but an emotional void. Sometimes we need to purge and reestablish with ourselves those things that matter most in order to give that to them.

    • rougedmount says:

      I wish I could say I’ve been productive and wonderfully self reflective. I’ve not. I’ve been in stasis. Unable to progress. I hope I come aware soon.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        Sounds like you are rebooting, which is necessary sometimes, RM. Without question you will come around to being “aware” again when you’re ready.

      • rougedmount says:

        Astute as usual…I am just not comfortable being so far removed from who I am and from where I need to be. And one of the issues I seem to have is that once I do start being more aware…it tends to attract men to me…which brings it’s own set of issues, or not, depending on how you look at things. I feel like I’m on the new thin ice of early winter and don’t trust where I step.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        Sounds to me like it’s time to get lace up those ice skates, regardless of the attention it receives; being you isn’t the problem — it’s the solution.

  2. The confines of the chrysalis of grief. I know it well.

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