I’ve been so busy, I’ve had zero time for myself and that equates to lack of exercise and no time to write. Am I happy? No. Am I sad? No. I am Neutral positive. That means that as I go about my day, I see it as being productive as a worker bee and as a parent, but provides no opportunity to feed and nourish my soul or provide me with spiritual or emotional growth.
My spouse has continued on his journey to reconnect with me and it’s working. Of course there have been blips and minor setbacks but I can declare with certainty that he is on the path of self correction by doing all I had asked of him and even when he stumbles, he has been quick to fix his mistakes and move forward.
I did not trust it for the longest time. I did not acknowledge it or praise it. I kept waiting for the inevitable fall that always accompanies the effort. And it’s never come. Which means, I am now beginning to enjoy his efforts and that results in positive reinforcement to his actions. I am beginning to enjoy our time together after 15 years of neglect and hurt.
I am not at the point I can re-commit to him in my heart. I honestly don’t know if he can ever repair that. I personally don’t think it’s possible to repair a marriage when that kind of damage has been done to it; that you are pushed to the point of needing solace from another person. . But I am willing to move forward and maybe grow into something new with him, if this continues.
I remembered how handsome he is. I see how much he is being stable for me, even when I react badly to his mis-steps and that allows me to quickly come back and say I was sorry for my flare up after being triggered. He is touching me more than he has in years; non sexual contact which makes me feel closer to him. And he is finally being sexual with me again.
All of the little things which add up, to make a marriage work, he is doing. And it is making me miss him when he is gone and look forward to when he comes back. It is making me smile when he does it and is making me look forward to spending time with him. After years of hating him, of giving up and not caring anymore, I can finally say that I like him again. And that seems like as good a place to start as any.