inner strength

inner strength. i have it. i’ve always had it. i first recognized it when i was around 4 years old. it only got stronger every time i was tested. i did not have a name for it until i was an adult. but my strength means i can not be broken. no matter what happens to me, no matter what circumstance happens, i overcome it. i get through it. i rise above it. i become stronger because of it.

it can make it hard to live with me. because i act. i don’t let things happen to me. not forever. i reach a point where i do what i must to meet my needs. and if i can’t lead the weak to what they need to do, then i abandon them if i have to or i drag them if leaving them behind is not an option. of course the latter takes it’s tole on me. it can be exhausting. the only reason i have done it is when it is someone i love, my family. my kids. my husband.

along the way, i’ve let go of many people and many family members. i only have the ability to carry my kids in time of my own weakness. right now, my spouse has remained, has crawled after me as i carried the load myself. but he always does. even when i’ve been difficult. when i’ve walked away and turned my back on him. he’s stayed. he tries to catch up.

he is not the one who is strong. he is not the one with the inner strength. i am. he does what he can. i think he relies on me to be strong for both of us. which makes it especially hard on me when i am weak and need someone to be strong for me. which is why over the last few years i am coming to terms with getting strength where and when i can from people who i bring into my life for that purpose.

it is not an easy shift for me. not something i wanted. but i have figured it out and and am doing the best i can. even when it means walking away from what were traditional values i held dear. i go on. i’ll always go on. and maybe one day i’ll meet someone as strong as i am, though i am not looking for it or expect it to happen. most men don’t know how to handle a strong woman. a very strong woman.

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2 Responses to inner strength

  1. I could have written every word of this post. Self reliance and emotional resilience are exhausting, when you are floored by circumstances beyond your control. I carry my husband and children in the very same way. I get resentful of the adult ‘passenger’ when he can’t care for me when I need it. I now pay for talking therapies to replicate the missing support he should offer. Kept me sane.

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