i’m fine. and i will be fine. i have been going through some health issues for a while now and it’s sort of made me insular as i retreat inside of myself, dealing with the emotional aspect of what’s happening. i’ve written about it occasionally over my blog, mixed inside everything else which tends to pour out far easier. i’ve just had a lot going on over these last few months.
abnormal, pre-cancerous, cervical cells which need monitoring every 3 months now. i’ve had a total of 8-10 biopsies and will have my 6th cryosurgery sometime in the next few weeks after i heal up from my most recent rip and tear appointment at the hospital. i should have had a hysterectomy a long time ago, but i am fighting to save my uterus.
i need it. i am one of the 25% of women who orgasms easily from vaginal penetration during sex. and when i do, i can feel my uterus throbbing and to be honest, this type of orgasm is far more pleasurable than a simple clitoral one. it’s deeper, it lasts longer and the effects of it stay deep inside of you making you feel like you’ve had sex, days after the orgasm. a clitoral one, is passing and is gone once it’s over.
considering my age, i should have been well on my way to menopause by now. considering i started menstruating at 11 and had severe fertility problems requiring drugs for 3 yrs and surgery to conceive because of a diagnosis of poly-cystic ovarian failure along with endometriosis, i should have been well into the crone phase of my woman’s cycle. instead i have a body which is screaming to be impregnated and won’t give up it’s monthly habit.
and because of that, it’s making my medical issue much worse because of the constant hormonal changes. those cells should have been able to be burned off and i should have merrily went along my way, enjoying the perks of the uterus without having the pain of it. and the burning off thing? it’s much more painful than it sounds.
normally, it takes about 1 -2 minutes of medically burning the surface of a cervix to kill all the superficial cells, allowing the healthy ones to replace them. i am up to about 8 minutes of burning to ensure that it goes deep, to get more, because mine are aggressively coming back, much faster than they should. did i mention that it’s without pain medication? awake and feet in stirrups, hands clenched across your stomach as sweat pours from your forehead, as you force yourself to not move so your vaginal walls doesn’t get burned?
saying it hurts is an understatement. it causes severe cramping. and it takes about 10-14 days of bleeding as you heal. when my son had his wisdom teeth out, I confiscated a few of the percocets to use. if i didn’t have them, then i am telling you point blank, i would have gotten street drugs from someone shady in an alleyway rather than go through that pain again. apparently most obgyn’s don’t believe one needs drugs for that. they obviously haven’t had it done.
because of the issues i’ve been dealing with, it’s made me focus more on me and staying quiet and not risking much and certainly not looking at doing anything remotely close to drastic or exploratory. it’s triggered major issues with my spouse because of his lack of support (again). but it’s also scaring me and making me retreat. walls up time as i deal with everything alone. i feel vulnerable and hate it so i hide it.
my issues with cancerous cervical cells, have made me want to have sex in a panicked and frenzied way the last few years, to use what i have before i am forced to make the decision to have it cut from my body and change my sex life forever. for many women, it would not make a difference. to me not having a uterus will be horrible. especially since i gave up sex for 25 yrs staying faithful to a celibate man.
as i said. i’m fine and i’ll stay that way. i’ll have a hysterectomy if the numbers change. i don’t have any more wiggle room. i either stay the same and endure this procedure every 3 months or my recent biopsy says its time to destroy what is left of my sex life. either way, it’s made for one fine and dandy mood. i am struggling with the rip tide of depression which threatens to sweep me out to sea. I have been swimming diagonally to shore for a very long time now and i am exhausted.