blank

i’ve been ‘dead’ again. sorrowful and stale. unable to progress. stalled. not caring. comfortably numb. i’ve retreated, even from myself. i don’t want to be involved with anyone. not a lover, not a spouse, not a friend, not myself. i just needed to pull back and be superficial. trite. if i have to be anything at all. i’d rather complete silence and pretend i am a shell. a monk. a minion. i need to be alone and watch the black skies and see the sun rise. everything is too loud. too  much.
the truth is i have been in hiding. especially from myself. i don’t want to share anything. don’t want to expose anything. i feel wounded. unable to heal. i know i’ve been depressed. i can see it in hollow words and my inability to engage and feel joy or see color or be inspired. i simply am living in grey and over this last year i have wallowed in it. my list of must do’s, to get back on track, is sitting there. looking at it exhausts me. exhausts me with anger and rage and fear. 
yet this year has been one of the most stable of my life. the most progress with my children and spouse. and yet i feel farther away from who i am supposed to be. of where i should be at. but i haven’t figured out if it is because i am walking uphill or if it’s because i am dragging baggage behind me along the same path i’ve been down many times before. unfortunately, that perspective on the position i am in, only comes with time.
This entry was posted in depression, Relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to blank

  1. You need the time to reinvigorate yourself. Take it. I stand by the wayside to support you.

  2. Marty says:

    Have I met you along this path?

  3. Liras says:

    Breaks from the daily grind, as well as large issues, maintain sanity.

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