how to ruin a marriage

Oh Look. You’ll notice this is a forwarded email of the original one I sent to you? I made sure to bold and highlight the date and time I sent it. This way I know I’m not the crazy one. Once again, you deny having received something from me, even though I have told you I sent it.

“Here’s some money for your trip ticket, so you don’t have to pay for it all. I don’t know how much it actually is.”

“Yes, you do, because not only did we talk about how much it cost, plus how much the conference would be, but I sent you the invoice”
“Well I don’t know. I must not have gotten it. I was JUST on my email and it WASN’T there.”
 
What I didn’t say to you, was:
“Really? Because you realize I can PROVE I sent it. Just like the 1000 other times you deny something simple and something you did not have to lie about?”
 
Just like EVERYTHING  else I have said to you in a clear and decisive way because I know it is the truth. I can PROVE I did what I was supposed to or what was right. The thing is, I can’t force you to read what I send and I can’t stop you from lying to yourself so you try to portray yourself as a helpless victim who is kept in the dark over things. I can’t make you see your version is a lie.
 
You lie so much that I am positive that you don’t even know you are doing it. It’s just your natural way of response. Deny. Deflect. Defend your position. Blame others. It’s why when I ask you a question I am trying to clarify, that you clearly have no idea about, and you start lying and giving a response that is completely fabricated and full of mistakes that show you have no idea what you are talking about, that I stop you and we end up in a fight over it. Because it’s easier to blame me for being a bitch than be responsible for the way you act and treat me. And I am no longer willing to try and re-educate you or assist you in growing into the man I once saw as your potential to become.
 
Poor you.
 
It’s why you get so angry now when you start with the lies you want to say to my face, because I can prove you lied and you hate it and try to disclaim it, claiming ‘technical issues’ bullshit. My email read report says you had it and opened it. You just failed to look at the document and instead of taking responsibility for your non action, you try to blame the computer or me or anyone else other than yourself.
 
Like you ALWAYS do. This is just another example of what I wanted to say this morning, when I asked you to come talk to me when we were both calm. Before you started deflecting and trying to bring up anything and everything else, so you would not have to focus on the way you treated me and spoke to me and how you tied to claim your stress level prevented you from keeping your mouth shut for 30 seconds. You personally attack me after I repeatedly told you I would not forgive you for treating me like shit, once PROOF was provided showing I was right, proof you need to see with your own eyes because you needed an excuse to blow up at me. My anger is the consequence to your action. You choose this response while I gave you 3 chances to shut up.
 
You hurt my feelings, your single action that night, brought up the 100’s of times you’ve done the same thing to me in our past; you tried to marginalize how I felt, you never once actually showed any type of real remorse and you threw the words “I’m sorry” at me like a handful of insincere dog shit that you certainly never vocally sounded contrite over. Those words do not give you permission to be an asshole and to treat others with ignorance. When you say it, those words mean NOTHING. I told you years and years ago it would only be your actions that mattered since your words were useless.
 
Instead, the last 2 days, you hid away downstairs rather than face me. You came home late, you SAW I had not made dinner. You saw me working on the computer. You never asked me to go for the Friday dinner we normally go to that I obviously got dressed and ready for, you ignored me and it made the situation worse between us. You didn’t notice my hair was done. You didn’t notice my makeup was on. That I had gotten dressed to go out. Or worse you noticed and made the choice to not go to dinner anyway. 
 
There was no Peace offering. There was 3.5 hrs of silence and resentment building as you went downstairs and stayed there, So when you finally brought me an unasked for tea, I was hungry AND angry for being forgotten and ignored and once again NOT thought of while you took care of yourself.
 
You KNOW I can’t eat late at night because of my medical issues and you waited until late at night to offer to go out to dinner, knowing I would refuse, knowing I would have no choice but to refuse or suffer painfully. Yet your late offer would still make you seem like the good guy since you offered and I refused and made it seem like I was the unreasonable one, instead of you, for not considering my needs. You planned for failure and you succeeded. 
 
Just like with the Valentine card you gave me this year. You took the time to buy one and then you wait to put it on the bed after I leave the room for the day and you don’t mention the day or the card, AT ALL. You sat there on the other sofa, not even beside me, letting my resentment and anger build at believing you had forgotten. And you did it for 5.5hrs. You said NOTHING, not until a son came downstairs and said Happy Valentines Day to me. You waited until I was angry, to prove that you had remembered. Once it was too late because you had already done the damage to me. So the words and your actions meant nothing. You had already ruined the moment.
 
And when I was so sick, when I never left the sofa for 16 days? When I hadn’t eaten for 2.5 days? Did you make dinner? Or soup? or bring me anything? Water? Tea? No. Did you cook for me or the kids? No. You ate at work during the day, taking care of yourself. I finally asked for OJ or cranberry juice and you brought home 1 container which everyone else drank and I had 3oz from. You didn’t even go grocery shopping when the fridge was completely empty. It sat there, cleaned and empty for 8 complete days.
 
You finally went to shopping to buy eggs because YOU were hungry and wanted to make yourself an egg salad sandwich and so brought one for me too. Because you had never made one for me before, I had no idea that all these years, for 30 years that you did not like your egg salad sandwiches the way I made them. You apparently like an egg salad sandwich with just eggs and a lot of mayonnaise on buttered bread. While all these years I have given you egg salad sandwiches the way I liked them: with diced celery, onion and a bit of mayonnaise on dry bread. How hard it must have been being served all these years, something that you didn’t care for. Needless to say, I never ate the sandwich or I would have been sick from it. So once again you set it up to fail; you either knew I could not eat the sandwich or you have ignored me so much over the last 30 years you truly didn’t know how I made them. Both options paint you as an asshole, an idiot or a disrespectful moron.
 
And the egg thing was no different than you not knowing how I take my tea or what condiments I take on a hamburger or toppings I like on a Sub. You don’t pay attention to me and my needs as you are simply concerned with your own. So what you did was not a single event, but an accumulation of 100’s of times you have mitigate me, disrespected me and shown me that you don’t care about me.
 
The reality of MY life is, you have been a particularly thoughtless asshole over the last 11 days to me. I gave up my idea that we’d go to dinner downtown, or even grab a sausage before the hockey game, so you could attend your work meeting. You put it before me, like you normally do, even though I had made plans which should have come first. And I didn’t bitch or complain. I simply asked to be dropped off at a sports bar or at the local shopping center so I could keep myself occupied for 2.5 HOURS. And rather than appreciate what I did and what I planned, rather than acknowledge I graciously accepted YOU placing a voluntary commitment first, which you could have skipped with no consequences; how you treated me after my wonderful little surprise that I planned for you, was disgusting and disgraceful. 
 
It wasn’t  ‘just’ this one rare isolated incident created from temporary stress you had. It is how you systematically treat me with disdain and constantly ignore my needs while placing yourself first. Plus, your refusal to believe you have done anything wrong because you deflect any responsibility for your actions playing a part in the mood you create in me, from how you’ve treated me.
 
You are a jerk. an asshole. You are a liar. you are selfish. You have NO idea how to be a husband. you can not communicate because you don’t listen and you believe that simple withdraw serves as a way to make amends. That because I start talking to you again and start interacting with you, that I forgive you. I don’t. I’m just not willing to stay angry 24/7 365. Because the truth is I don’t forgive you. Not for anything you’ve done to me. Not for every time you’ve neglected me. 
 
Your insincere and snarled “I’m sorry” does not make any amends. It doesn’t. It doesn’t undo the damage you cause from being a jerk and acting like an asshole in the first place.
 
Being around you is exhausting because I can never trust you to take care of me or to support me or to believe me. Because you always have an excuse as to why you can’t, why you won’t or why you haven’t. I spend my days practicing self control, forgiveness, patience. I’ve learned humility. I’ve learned to put others needs first. But then there are days like these when all my rage congeals inside my battered heart and I could rip it from my chest to ram it down your lying throat so I can watch you suffocate on it, before I die.
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3 Responses to how to ruin a marriage

  1. rougedmount says:

    And now the acts of contrition: giving me money, doing laundry, cleaning up his office area, running the dishwasher and putting the dishes away. The only time he does these things are after he fucks up and I am angry. Atonement to appease my hostility so we can get back to a neutral relationship, where I don’t ask him to share, talk or provide emotional and physical connection. I yelled back. I spit as much vitriol as he did. No compassion, just complete righteous indignation at how affronted I was and still am. I am grateful I had this little refresher. This lovely reminder that a person who has a history of treating you badly, can not, change permanently. They may alter their actions or behavior for a limited and finite time. But rest assured, they ALWAYS revert to who they really are. Because the second they are exposed to stress, they can not keep up the facade of who they are pretending to be. they either are or are not who they show themselves to be. They can never be trusted because they are false, fake and fucked up.

  2. Reading your posts….is often like holding a mirror up to my own marriage. We always are required to be the bigger person. It’s exhausting….and soul destroying

    • rougedmount says:

      it’s weird how things have shifted in mine. there are times when things are bad, but mostly things have been neutral. and when it train wrecks it is so hard to deal with because it’s like losing any progress made.

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