it’s funny how your brain filters events and emotions in your life. unable to shut down, awake all night, then waking up after an hour from an insane nightmare of sudden floods and drowning puppies with someone picking them up to smash them onto rocks, like splatting a jellyfish. lack of sleep plus emotional overload leads to headaches, upset stomach and gastro issues all because of the increased emotional response to sadness and worry.
people who do not appreciate what stress does to you, have never had to deal with ‘actual’ stress. or maybe they internalize things so much that it’s invisible. or worse, maybe their missing a key component of their ability to be empathetic and so life’s issues truly don’t impact them. i know that’s very much what happens with my son who as aspergers. or maybe their narcissistic. either way, they have a brain functioning issue which differentiates them from ‘normal’ response. no different than those who over react.
my husband froze after we got the bad news. both of us were shocked, hurt. he reverted to how he always responded which was to withdrawal. and then he stepped up. he didn’t just ‘try’ he actually and actively responded. i didn’t ask for it or even respond to his lack of it initially. it’s like he gathered himself together and realized what he should do and then he did it. and i can’t believe how different it feels to not be overwhelmed by emotions and then feeling alone to deal with it as well.
i’ve been grateful for it. not complaining that he didn’t react like i needed. anger did not build and resentment did not wash over my mood. i didn’t attack by bringing up past reactions. i didn’t try and ‘teach’ him what i needed like i’ve done 1000 times before by explaining what he should do when a crisis occurs instead of shutting down from it. he tried and succeeded and i’ve had support in a timely fashion. it wasn’t immediate but it came without prompting.
and i’ve let him know how much i appreciate it. without allowing anything else into the message. no wishes or words about how it would have mattered in past events. no asking him to repeat it in the future when it’s needed. just acceptance for now, because now it mattered and was needed and given.