i didn’t shave my legs today, have not shaved them in about 10 winter days, in fact. only today it was not done on purpose. i wanted to. i wanted to smooth them and lotion myself up with oils and fragrant cream. i wanted my long hair silky and shiny as it fell in gentle waves down my back. instead i let it dry naturally and then i brushed it. i forgot what abused hair looked like. sort of like electrocution meets mangled doll hair after a roller coaster ride. on a humid day.
i knew you wanted to see me. knew it. i did everything in my power to sabotage how i felt about myself and then i realized none of it mattered. you’ve seen me at my worst. you’ve been tender and sensual with me when i looked like shit and been cramping and looked much worse than i have today. you would have laughed, your eyes would have smiled and it wouldn’t have made one bit of a difference if I showed up in sweatpants and a baggy sweater.
you are my sirens call. i know you. you sit on the rocks in absolute magnificence and i am barely able to control myself or even want to. worse, i feel like i could throw myself on the rocks at your feet and be violently rent asunder and be glad of it with your image in my eyes as the sight fades from them and as i sink beneath the frigid, crashing waves, lifeless and with a beatific smile on my face.
instead i threw on my boots and leather jacket and took to the highways. i let the wind hit me and the sun settle on my shoulders. i let my hair tangle and i leaned deeply into the curves. it was loud. the vibrations rumbled through me, calming me. i smiled at the looks of longing i was getting from men trapped in their mini vans and suv’s. i laughed at the disapproval from some women who judged with a look of tight lipped disdain.
and i forgot you. i lived and breathed in the moment and the reflection of your perfect image left my eyes long enough to enjoy the winter scenery, of a bright sky over me and the fresh clear smell of an open lake. it was the distraction i was looking for to keep me away from allowing myself to fall into you again. you are my addiction. my downfall. my salvation. my joy.
i’m chemically and sexually bound to you, like the feet of a geisha, i know the damage beneath the sensual surface, the pain, the distortion and ultimately the crippling effects that long term exposure from binding, would create in my life. it’s why i fight myself so hard to stay away from you. because something in me craves the pain my submission brings and seeing your eyes blaze with conquest once you force me to remember my choice is only to stay away, because everything else belongs to you.