alive not well

i’m alive, just busy and struggling. trying to keep head above water. without my safety net, i am slipping back to a place where familiarity helps to stabilize my fears. fears of abandonment. of being alone. of sadness and despair. it’s funny how much i needed that voice of reason. came to depend on it to be my crutch to keep me on the path i wanted to be on. now i am running barefoot over jagged rocks that i know cut my feet because they did it before, the last time i tried.

he’s wanted to resume things for the last 2yrs and how can i keep myself away when he is reaching out a hand and i am falling? my net is gone and i am afraid this is a losing battle.  i just can’t be strong anymore. you don’t know how much physical contact means until it’s missing from your life. you don’t know how lonely it is to live with a partner who doesn’t speak to you and has no love language.

 

This entry was posted in Affair, marriage, Relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to alive not well

  1. Marty says:

    I hope you can resolve this. Let us know if and how you do

  2. Steel 8 x 5 says:

    that’s just it we have no men in America after all we have watched the willful destruction of men, and boys to be less almost female in fact. 45 + years now and here is 1 more way every one sees it. Men are not allowed to be men. I’m not pointing out cuckolds who are not studly but the rest can be the men they are with out getting ripped about just being men. As to love speak and touch that to has been openly burned so now what would a woman think when a man pulls back after all he does not want to yet again be shot for doing the true man things. If you want it your self you have to say so, it will take time are you willing to help him open up? Or if you touch base with a man like me who has not turned off maleness still holds women in high yet cares not how the few women who are hard core, burned by others who had men play games. Men now have no idea how to play and act to real women. Now women have to reteach that and so much more. The question now is do you ladies have a true want or is it just a game?

    • rougedmount says:

      I agree, many men are living as children. Expecting women to be their mothers with the benefit of providing sex with no reciprocity for things like affection or sensuality. I hate it. I am biased in my relationship as my experience has shaped me in many ways and yet who I am as a woman with my spouse now, is diametrically opposite to who I am as a woman to any other male.
      I am not easy. I am steel. I require a masculine man who is quite frankly sexist and who believes in his place and likes me in mine and thinks that we compliment each other. He wants my endeavours and ability to be the same as his own yet he won’t let me do it because it makes him happy to do manly things for him; just as much as I do infinitely female things for him. I like to exaggerate my role or demand he place me in an amused place beside him because he has no need for a mother. He wants a sensual woman as his escape and not his parent. I can not be me, until I am allowed to take the pants off forever.

  3. Liras says:

    I hope you find a way to triumph over the despair you feel. I would give you a pot of ointment for your feet to help, if I were nearby. Wishing you well.

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