too much on my mind. too much to process. my spouse and i have been irritated with each other. tense. moody. on edge. there have been medical issues and we simply do not deal well with stress of any kind because we live in a neutral zone where nothing can be added to the cart or it will tip.
his fear and worry translates into becoming abrasive and dismissive. my fears are expressed with combative demands to communicate and fix things. to push away and insulate.
how much do i disclose? sigh. he is not healthy. i can’t help but blame him for most of it. bringing a majority of it on himself. lack of care, of listening. being petulant about the seriousness of his conditions. and now, because he is going for test after test as a precursor to surgery, he now needs another surgery before it happens.
and a biopsy. because the abnormal cell growth and large mass has to be ruled out as being cancerous and if not, then the original and necessary surgery can proceed. i feel like i have no emotional energy to deal with this on top of my own issues. i am close to losing it and can feel the overwhelming need to have assistance in suppressing the panic that is JUST below the surface.