in sickness and health

too much on my mind. too much to process. my spouse and i have been irritated with each other. tense. moody. on edge. there have been medical issues and we simply do not deal well with stress of any kind because we live in a neutral zone where nothing can be added to the cart or it will tip.

his fear and worry translates into becoming  abrasive and dismissive. my fears are expressed with combative demands to communicate and fix things. to push away and insulate.

how much do i disclose? sigh. he is not healthy. i can’t help but blame him for most of it. bringing a majority of it on himself. lack of care, of listening. being petulant about the seriousness of his conditions. and now, because he is going for test after test as a precursor to surgery, he now needs another surgery before it happens.

and a biopsy. because the abnormal cell growth and large mass has to be ruled out as being cancerous and if not, then the original and necessary surgery can proceed. i feel like i have no emotional energy to deal with this on top of my own issues. i am close to losing it and can feel  the overwhelming need to have assistance in suppressing the panic that is JUST below the surface.

 

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9 Responses to in sickness and health

  1. Nothing I can say will make it better but I hope you hang in there with all you have.

  2. dievca says:

    I am sorry — just sending some strength. I had a tough year with M. being in the hospital, illness and almost dying. Deep breathes, one item at a time and remember to take care of yourself, too. Or all systems will fail.

  3. pantiewearer says:

    I hope things work out. Is it a male health problem?

  4. Ray says:

    Hang in there… You can get through this.

  5. It is often the case that in order to provide your best care to others, you have to care for yourself first. I hope you don’t lose sight of your mental health in the process. Take care of you. All the best.

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