rant: marriage, renovations and divorce

let’s be clear: i don’t like you. i think you are a worthless excuse for a man and have absolutely no ambition, no drive, no sense of pride or responsibility for yourself or for your family. you do shit work. the barest possible necessary before you contemptuously throw your hands in the air and proclaim in a whiny voice of a petulant child ‘ that it’s good enough!’ before you stomp out of the room muttering under your breath like a snarky teenager who has been forced to do a family chore.

you are a ridiculous caricature of what a man is supposed to be and how he is supposed to act. your father would be absolutely disgusted by the way you carry yourself and how the most vigorous thing you do, is go out of your way to avoid actually doing anything. you aren’t even lazy. lay people don;t have to tantrum about what they do or worse try and proclaim how much they do as you try and take credit for the work ‘I” do as if it were your own.

you place putty on 7 or 8 spots, on 1 wall and sand it down and all of a sudden ‘you’ are the one who ‘always’ takes care of interior repairs? like i haven’t done it for the last 25 years? seriously? you stand there and with absolute belief and conviction rail on and on about how much work you did and are doing and how you ‘always’ take your time before completing projects.    W.   T.   F.    if this is truly what you believe, then you are a delusional asshole.

you start to throw your little snipes at me and i am in NO fucking mood for it and so i rally back with the comparison of your home repair track record and abilities as being on par with your pathetic sexual performance. then follow up with reminding you that it’s not me that other men judge when they come into this house and see the profound mess you have made and left, for years, and see the damage you have let go, for years. they all know that unless ‘I’ do it, it does not get done and if you do it, it get’s done badly which makes twice the work for me to have to remove, then fix instead.

the only reason we are fighting is because i no longer try and protect your feelings and masculine pride. you have zero claim to the pronouns because you are the furthest thing from being a man than i have ever experienced and i can not even imagine another man who could even try to be so inept at so many things, as you are naturally. you don’t even bother to research how to do something properly. and for some bizarre reason you aren’t even embarrassed by your dismal efforts or that other men look at you with scorn and eventual contempt.

and they all ask me how i handle it. how i deal with it. and then tell me how their wives would never put u with that mess for so long. like i have a choice? like i can force him to do anything? or pay for anything? i almost bankrupted myself paying for the things he ruined to be fixed and then he turned around and ruined them as well because he has no respect for property or for taking care of anything. he would ruin a $1700 piece of furniture by placing a moving saw on the edge and taking a chunk out of it and saying’oh well, looks fine’. or kicking a can of opened paint out of his way over a hardwood floor that was in the process of being laid and ruining it with splatter then leaving it, saying ‘then you should’t have made me move the cabinet’. who does that? what adult man ruins what he is paying for, simply to say ‘ then don’t ask me to do anything in the future.’ he does things as badly as possible so that he doesn’t have to do anything.

and all this drama, all this nonsense because i have been trying to force the topic of communication, of expressing that we have no intimacy between us, that he is refusing to talk to me about our marriage, our relationship and our future. i have come out and told him i want an open marriage where i can seek normality out with another partner and his response is sabotaging every little single thing he is asked to do as a way of starting a fight about that instead of actually talking about what the issues are.

and when i confront him with that, then he goes off like a tired 3 year old being told no at the mall to a candy bar. because he refuses to accept responsibility for the idiotic things that he does and the immature way he is acting towards my requests and demands to be talked to as an adult about the things that matter in our marriage, for me. the lack of sex matters. so does the lack of talking about it.

he will admit to nothing in regards to what excites him, what arouses him, what he wants to do, what he wants done to him, what he wants to see from or experience with me. nothing. me. one of the most sexually open, vibrant, sensually responsive women out there and he is in absolute denial of what it takes to satisfy my minimum needs. his response to everything towards me is anger and blame. and that is not fixable.

i was stupid to stay in this marriage once i got pregnant with our first child and his response to that was to remove sex completely for 14 months. so many signs and issues that i ignored because we were married and in a marriage you compromise. well if only one person is compromising then it’s called taking advantage of someone and teaching them that your needs are not to be considered or valued and it sets up your marriage for failure because one day you will have had enough and the other person is not used to compromising and is unable to do it.

want to know why people divorce after 2o-25 years of marriage? it’s because they put the needs of other people first, over and above themselves and they reach a point in their life when they decide it is time for them to live because they have done their parenting jobs and they want to live and to experience a normal life with a normal person, before they die and to not live in constant conflict over simple things that are easy fixes.

and if you get left at this time in your life? if you are shocked and surprised by the sudden revelation that your unhappy spouse is leaving? then you have been the reason that the marriage was a failure from the very beginning. it means you have not listened to or accepted the thousands of times your spouse tried and you rebuffed them. you are the sole reason the marriage is over because your partner could not stand your indifference and your perpetual lies  that you tell yourself about a marriage that is non functional, for one more second.

and i have no doubt that remarriage will happen once the bitter spouse is recovered as they present a picture perfect impression of what a spouse should be. because all they have is what’s on the surface as they are as deep as a mirror. there is neither substance or depth to them as they are mired in being and acting childish as they have never grown up into adults in spite of the advancement of age and supposed accumulation of experience. they learned nothing. they are nothing. and they are happy to remain that way until they die.

i have an emotional hangover. i have rapid onset exhaustion from being emotionally abused by a man who is more like an angry child than a partner and from becoming so upset from the useless interaction, that i need to shut down. and now he is acting like nothing is wrong, like all is fine and he is puttering about as if he was not just the worst person in the world to me and it looks like i am the crazy one who is unable to not look at him without malice or speak without resentment and residual anger in my voice.

he is an asshole and i am an idiot for staying married.

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8 Responses to rant: marriage, renovations and divorce

  1. sonnetdream says:

    I stayed in my marriage for 20 years and my feelings for most of those years were very similar to yours. We shared 3 children.

    My husband never communicated with me. We lived in silence for a long time. Any communication was limited to logistics regarding our kids. In the last 10 years, sex was almost non existent despite all attempts by myself to initiate, make things better for him etc. I tried to talk to him and in temper one day I told him if he wouldn’t touch me, I would seek sex elsewhere. Nothing worked. In our last year together we had sex once. We were both drunk. I threatened divorce many times though never meant it. I wanted counseling, but I knew if it had to be organized, it would be me doing the organizing and I resented that too. I ran our household in every way and he wouldn’t lift a hand.

    I travel often for work. Unfortunately, I was called to work the day before my birthday which meant I was away on my birthday. I was very upset. My husband didn’t care. He liked me being away.

    On my birthday I received messages from each of my children, nothing from my husband. That year, a bunch of work colleagues took me out for dinner to cheer me up. One of them flirted with me all night. I got drunk and fell into bed with him. I woke up and was horrified. I returned home. 3 days later I went to a party with my husband. He behaved like a petulant child and ended up leaving me at the party to get home alone (we were at a very remote location). Following a phone conversation where I told him I would have to disturb my parents or a friend to collect me, he returned. We screamed at each other for the one hour drive home and I finally yelled “This is it. I’m done. I want a divorce.”

    He didn’t believe me, but that was it. It was the final straw. My marriage ended that night. That was almost 4 years ago. He walked around for weeks believing I was not serious. It was only after I told the children (alone … because he refused to tell them with me) that he believed me.

    It was a difficult time. My youngest child was 12, the others 18 and 20. He went through a period of disbelief, anger, revenge and believe it or not, even a period of writing me poetry and trying to win me back. I didn’t waiver. I knew any change in him would be brief and temporary.

    I have not looked back. Living under stressful and toxic conditions is draining. It sucks the life from you. I know it means that I have changed the family dynamics for my children, particularly my youngest … but she has her mother back.

    I would rather be alone and happy than with someone resents my very existence.

    I am happy.

    I’m sorry for this long comment, but your story resonates with me. I have been reading your posts thinking for so long … that’s me. Why doesn’t she just get out? I’m also sorry for all of the readers that think marriage should be worked on at all costs. I don’t agree. Toxic is toxic and some things cannot be fixed.

    • rougedmount says:

      i greatly appreciate the comment as well as the observations. people who have experienced ‘that’ type of marriage understand all too well what both of us are talking about. and they know why we stayed. and if like you, they lift, they know exactly what the tipping point was. mentally i left him 8? yrs ago. i have no idea why i am still here. truly. every time i think it’s been enough, life happens making it impossible for me to think about me alone. to be honest, much of the time things are now neutral. as long as i say nothing about my needs…all is fine. the moment i do, all hell breaks lose as he can not be pushed into talking about what he doesn’t want to talk about.what will i do? who knows.

  2. I have a similar marriage, (to a non empathic, clumsy dolt) but it does not have the two way rancour like this.

    I see myself as his carer….due to his poorly wired social brain (He, like our son, is on the ASD spectrum) But he is essentially a ‘good’ man.

    I’ve learned to be entirely self reliant. My pressure release is my hobby of sexual encounters. Which he has had to accept in exchange for me staying within the marriage. It’s still a lonely existence….but I have some good friends who prop me up emotionally, when needed. Mercifully.

    But I feel for your situation, as most one sided emotional relationships end badly, when the person with the ’empty cup’ gets the self confidence to say ‘enough’.


  3. Jayne says:

    With pure logic and no emotion I say, Stop trying to talk to him. From your writing alone, it’s obvious that he doesn’t have the capabilities to reach you in any way that would fulfill you. He does know how to irritate the fuck out of you by with-holding anything and everything you would actually want. He is genius at that. Honestly, this is the point in the story where you start messing with him for the entertainment factor alone. I wish you a lighter heart is all. Cruel is the accurate word for him and this is when I hope that there is a uniquely hideous and specialized place in hell for all people like him.

  4. mysecretme75 says:

    “want to know why people divorce after 2o-25 years of marriage? it’s because they put the needs of other people first, over and above themselves and they reach a point in their life when they decide it is time for them to live because they have done their parenting jobs and they want to live and to experience a normal life with a normal person, before they die and to not live in constant conflict over simple things that are easy fixes.” – Amen sister

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