lose a marriage to indifference

my husband has heard me proclaim that ‘he doesn’t talk to me’ at least 10,000. i randomly announce at the end of a 30 minute drive from point a to b, that he in fact did not speak 1 single word to me and the only reason i came on the drive with him was so that he had the opportunity to talk to me, if he wanted to. the issue is, he has never wanted to.

you might now understand how incredibly lonely and disconnected it makes a person feel to be completely ignored when in the presence of someone they loved. when it happens year after year, when it is addressed constantly and the needs ignored, it damages you. it changes you in ways that are hard to describe, other than saying it destroys not just who you were, but how you felt about the person you once loved more than anyone else in the world.

i blame my husband for ignoring my needs especially since i told him exactly what i needed in order to feel safe, loved, secure and wanted. i didn’t make him guess why i was angry and upset. i told him his actions were killing me and i told him how to fix it. i then told him every time he had an opportunity available to him and then advised him when he failed to perform even in a marginal way, again.

his actions clearly state that he does not care what i needed to feel important to him. in fact, by his being told specifics and then resolutely ignoring them, he purposefully went out of his way to tell me how much he disdained and despised me. How little value he placed on me, by refusing to even attempt to fix his communication issues.

he will absolutely not talk about: our marriage, our relationship, sex, sexual issues, our past conflicts, his past actions, future plans, finances. He will talk about: our children, recently some of the drama at his work place, if we need milk or bread. he rarely, if ever, asks me about my day, what i’ve done, where i go, what i do.

he is content to simply have me around, or not, much like a roommates cat that you neither like or dislike; i am simply in the house or not and in fact, my absence must bring him a measure of relief as no one is telling him to turn off the lights or not walk through the house with muddy shoes or to start dinner at dinner time because other people in the house may be hungry, even though the ‘almost’ adult children can technically take care of themselves now.

i’ve told him he has estranged me completely, that i have no connection to him anymore. he is aware that i have not said i love him in 8 years. 8 years. he either doesn’t care or doesn’t believe me that i am unhappy and think that the marriage is simply name only. he sees i haven’t left, which means i must be happy enough to stay. which means i am happy in spite of what i say.

his delusion is not mine and i have neither hid or tried to cover up how i feel, what i do and where i go. he simply chooses to not believe it because my mail is still delivered to his address. that seems to be enough for him. i can’t imagine the simplicity of how he lives his life. i value a relationship, a communicative and  interactive co-existence. he simply needs a woman as a piece of furniture. a place holder for a role he sees as needing for societal conformity.

he wanted a mother for his children, not a wife.

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9 Responses to lose a marriage to indifference

  1. cb says:

    After reading this, I am reevaluating communication with my own wife. Sadly I fear that what you describe is the default state of most men, although you clearly are justified in your assessment.

    Please know that your post has enlightened at least one husband.

    • rougedmount says:

      i am glad you have seen yourself and hope that your intent to change is manifested. a mans silence kills a woman’s feelings and is a breeding ground for discontent and resentment. a woman needs it to survive and if she is not getting it from a husband, then eventually she’ll seek it out elsewhere because being that lonely, for that long, is not sustainable.

  2. mysecretme75 says:

    Your post feels all too familiar. Its like you were a fly on the wall of my marriage the past several years and simply wrote what you have observed. My husband and I were that couple you see in a restaurant who sit across the table from each other but their eyes are gazing off in opposite directions. Or his are tuned to the game on the tv in the corner while mine are engaged in people watching. If we talk its about “problems”. Usually the kids or the pets or if its a really spicy convo I may be treated to his judgemental point of view on all that’s wrong with everyone else in society. Such cheery topics as how people who have tattoos are probably trashy people who make poor decisions in all areas of their lives. But usually its the typical: when are school conferences, why can’t that kid just do the dishes like he’s supposed to without being told, what are we going to do with the dog this winter if her arthritis is worse… etc. I quit trying to engage him in conversation because I didn’t like the negative tone of his opinions (which usually led to an ugly debate) or the ball of stress in the pit of my stomach his questions or nagging about the kids, pets, home life issues always brought on during what was supposed to be a pleasant evening out. When I finally asked for the divorce a few months ago I cited the lack of conversation and, in general, the lack of any personal interest in me as one of the many reasons it was just time to pull the plug on a relationship that we barely kept going on life support. You know what happened? He started talking to me and asking questions of me and started changing and trying to become all the things he suddenly discovered I liked and… I hate it. I now wish he’d just shut the hell up and quit trying to talk at me about mundane things at any given moment he’s in my presence. I long for those days he just left me to my own devices and didn’t need my constant attention and interaction. When I only had to suffer through a meal out one night a week. The difference? I no longer want that which our marriage was lacking. At least not from him.

    I sincerely hope that you find whatever trigger it will take for your husband to pull his head out of his arse and that if/when he does, it isn’t too late.

    • rougedmount says:

      the problem with leaving things to long is that a woman sees the effort as contrived. and its proof that he chose to sit in silence for so long. too little too late is worse that doing nothing at all when faced with the result of their years of no effort…which is a wife who has fallen out of love. and now efforts are being made weakly to a woman who doesn’t love you and will judge your actions harshly because of it.

  3. Jayne says:

    I have a question, and I know your insight is strong. However, I know this is personal and I understand if you don’t want to share. Blog or not, these are your feelings to respect. How do you think you changed from being in a marriage with that type of unemotional, ?indifferent?, incapable husband in terms of how it affected your judgement, vulnerability and basic reaction to a “normal” man? I think about this for myself.

    • rougedmount says:

      who he was before marriage was not who he became after i became pregnant. i did not know what a normal man wanted or was, until i experienced it with a lover. i truly thought the marital issues were ‘my’ issues. my lack of not helping him to understand. it wasn’t until another man showed me he was attracted to me, to a mothers body, that i could be understood without effort, that i was able to work thru all of the damage my husband had created. i had n idea of the depth of that damage until i started healing in the arms of another man. it took a solid 3 years to get back to normal, to a base and another 2 after that to learn to forgive, to move on, to love life again. i could have divorced and had it happen. but i stayed married and worked through it with myself and as a result things improved with my husband…all because i had the support of a ‘normal’ man. it helped me see my husbands damage as not as personal as i had before. my judgement improved with the choices i made with someone else ad as i worked through things with them helping me.

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