my husband has heard me proclaim that ‘he doesn’t talk to me’ at least 10,000. i randomly announce at the end of a 30 minute drive from point a to b, that he in fact did not speak 1 single word to me and the only reason i came on the drive with him was so that he had the opportunity to talk to me, if he wanted to. the issue is, he has never wanted to.
you might now understand how incredibly lonely and disconnected it makes a person feel to be completely ignored when in the presence of someone they loved. when it happens year after year, when it is addressed constantly and the needs ignored, it damages you. it changes you in ways that are hard to describe, other than saying it destroys not just who you were, but how you felt about the person you once loved more than anyone else in the world.
i blame my husband for ignoring my needs especially since i told him exactly what i needed in order to feel safe, loved, secure and wanted. i didn’t make him guess why i was angry and upset. i told him his actions were killing me and i told him how to fix it. i then told him every time he had an opportunity available to him and then advised him when he failed to perform even in a marginal way, again.
his actions clearly state that he does not care what i needed to feel important to him. in fact, by his being told specifics and then resolutely ignoring them, he purposefully went out of his way to tell me how much he disdained and despised me. How little value he placed on me, by refusing to even attempt to fix his communication issues.
he will absolutely not talk about: our marriage, our relationship, sex, sexual issues, our past conflicts, his past actions, future plans, finances. He will talk about: our children, recently some of the drama at his work place, if we need milk or bread. he rarely, if ever, asks me about my day, what i’ve done, where i go, what i do.
he is content to simply have me around, or not, much like a roommates cat that you neither like or dislike; i am simply in the house or not and in fact, my absence must bring him a measure of relief as no one is telling him to turn off the lights or not walk through the house with muddy shoes or to start dinner at dinner time because other people in the house may be hungry, even though the ‘almost’ adult children can technically take care of themselves now.
i’ve told him he has estranged me completely, that i have no connection to him anymore. he is aware that i have not said i love him in 8 years. 8 years. he either doesn’t care or doesn’t believe me that i am unhappy and think that the marriage is simply name only. he sees i haven’t left, which means i must be happy enough to stay. which means i am happy in spite of what i say.
his delusion is not mine and i have neither hid or tried to cover up how i feel, what i do and where i go. he simply chooses to not believe it because my mail is still delivered to his address. that seems to be enough for him. i can’t imagine the simplicity of how he lives his life. i value a relationship, a communicative and interactive co-existence. he simply needs a woman as a piece of furniture. a place holder for a role he sees as needing for societal conformity.
he wanted a mother for his children, not a wife.