depression, regret and almost living

regret is a wasted word. it serves no purpose. you can not change what was. you simply move forward. what’s to regret anyway? experience? life choices? personal accountability? i don’t regret, i can’t. yet i think about alternate outcomes. the glorious list of ‘what ifs’. i wonder at who i might have been or think about if it’s possible to reinvent myself. i honestly don’t know.

i’m tired. it seems like being ill and being faced with multiple issues means it is harder for me even want to struggle uphill when it’s just so much easier to sit comfortably at the bottom, no matter how uncomfortable things may be or potentially get. i simply don’t care. i’m not angry, not mad, not even bitter. i just am.

i know that neutrality is the absolute best way to explain depression to someone who doesn’t understand what it means. imagine something horrible or wonderful happening and having no reaction to it. nothing. it’s not even a matter of not caring. there is no consideration, nothing of reactionary importance. nothing that can breech consciousness. there are no nerve endings working to pass the message to the brain on how to react.

i’ve learned that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. allow your brain the downtime it obviously needs since it shut itself off like a breaker does when things are overloaded. i’m not sure why people think depression is so wrong. i think it’s a highly appropriate reaction. it can become problematic when it’s the first go to emotion, but ask anyone who has it, depression is a heavy emotion. it takes lot of effort to carry and to put down.

sometimes, i think it’s okay to simply let yourself wallow in the darkness not even trying to get out of it. the important thing to do is set a specific time to wake yourself up in. in 7 days i am going to start living again. no matter the emotional and physical tole it takes on me. depression steals time. without doing this wake up call, days become months and you realize you haven’t showered or exercised in weeks.

be aware of yourself. of your need to be depressed when things are depressing you. and of not staying in that abyss forever. just sometimes the darkness feels right. sometimes you have to just hide for a while, licking your wounds or allowing things to fester enough to force your hand in getting treatment.

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4 Responses to depression, regret and almost living

  1. acquiescent72 says:

    I can really take everything you say in this post to heart. A while back, I came to the realization that maybe depression isn’t something you have to “fix”…maybe, sometimes, it is just something you have to experience and let it run its course.

    Insightful post! Thanks for sharing.

    • rougedmount says:

      the real issue is being aware. and to be honest i have to send myself an email reminder that i have been out of service for a week because i am incapable of simply recognizing the fact i have been incapacitated. people don;t understand that you lose time when depressed. that depression is not a mood. it’s more like a language and being in a place you dont understand it. or even as extreme as it sounds, it’s very similar to having a stroke. even if you want to, your body is incapable of response. and you have to relearn how to do something as simple as get out of bed, shower and get dressed..and realizing that simply by doing that it may make you sleep for 8 hours from exhaustion.

  2. Madeline Harper says:

    Thank you. You are right. Being aware of being incapable is a big step….sometimes I have to allow myself nothingness.

    Sometimes I allow myself a day to shut down and it helps. Not always the solution but I have learned the same trick. And a little slide into oblivion is better than a great big leap.

    Thanks for reminding me I might need to shut it all down just now.

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