regret is a wasted word. it serves no purpose. you can not change what was. you simply move forward. what’s to regret anyway? experience? life choices? personal accountability? i don’t regret, i can’t. yet i think about alternate outcomes. the glorious list of ‘what ifs’. i wonder at who i might have been or think about if it’s possible to reinvent myself. i honestly don’t know.
i’m tired. it seems like being ill and being faced with multiple issues means it is harder for me even want to struggle uphill when it’s just so much easier to sit comfortably at the bottom, no matter how uncomfortable things may be or potentially get. i simply don’t care. i’m not angry, not mad, not even bitter. i just am.
i know that neutrality is the absolute best way to explain depression to someone who doesn’t understand what it means. imagine something horrible or wonderful happening and having no reaction to it. nothing. it’s not even a matter of not caring. there is no consideration, nothing of reactionary importance. nothing that can breech consciousness. there are no nerve endings working to pass the message to the brain on how to react.
i’ve learned that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. allow your brain the downtime it obviously needs since it shut itself off like a breaker does when things are overloaded. i’m not sure why people think depression is so wrong. i think it’s a highly appropriate reaction. it can become problematic when it’s the first go to emotion, but ask anyone who has it, depression is a heavy emotion. it takes lot of effort to carry and to put down.
sometimes, i think it’s okay to simply let yourself wallow in the darkness not even trying to get out of it. the important thing to do is set a specific time to wake yourself up in. in 7 days i am going to start living again. no matter the emotional and physical tole it takes on me. depression steals time. without doing this wake up call, days become months and you realize you haven’t showered or exercised in weeks.
be aware of yourself. of your need to be depressed when things are depressing you. and of not staying in that abyss forever. just sometimes the darkness feels right. sometimes you have to just hide for a while, licking your wounds or allowing things to fester enough to force your hand in getting treatment.