When to leave a marriage

It’s bullshit to say that someone can’t ruin your day. That a person can decide to take the high road and get over it and not allow someone’s actions to tarnish an otherwise perfectly fine day. That’s a wonderful ideology, but who in their right mind can take a crap load of emotional abuse that triggers every single response you have to fight back and smile sweetly and say “That’s fine dear, it’s a new day to enjoy.” Bullshit.

The tantrum that is thrown in your face instantly brings back every other single issue and time, that the person has done the exact same thing. It’s a recognizable pattern for fucks sake. The emotionally abusive person has a specific reaction when they don’t want to do something, to avoid doing it, because they know getting you angry, getting you upset will result in at least one of you saying that you are not going to do what was asked or refuse the help you asked for as you don’t want to be around them anymore.

It’s a vicious cycle that results in emotional traumas being relived every time it happens in a never ending battle. The normal person suffers from an emotional hangover from trying to deal with the situation and the reactions, while the emotionally abusive idiot simply gets over it, once they realize their ploy didn’t work. They change tactics. They pretend that it’s all in your mind and that what they did, they didn’t do. It was the reaction that was wrong, not them. They simper and smile and move along leaving your guts twisted in an emotional mess.

There is no reason to stay married to someone like this. You’ll spend 5 years with them, which will extend to 10 and 16 before you know it. You’ll end up divorced after 23 years of marriage or you’ll live inside a broken shell of a relationship where you wish your partner would just die and release you from the vow you made. Nothing works to change or educate someone who is broken and refuses help. In their head, it’s not them, it’s you so why would they need to change anything at all?

We give far too many chances because when you get married, you take it as a promise to work through all the shit that occurs from living with someone. But if you are fighting the same battles you had 14 years ago, then you are with the wrong person. Period. No further discussion is needed. Issues need to be discussed and worked through. You need to communicate and move on or you drag that same baggage with you forward and into every single new issue you have. It builds up like toxic waste making it harder and harder to deal with.

When you first see signs of an infection, you are far better of lancing it and draining the puss, even though it hurts, so that it can heal cleanly. The more you give in, compromise, put your needs after those of an emotionally abusive partner, the harder it is to get out because the infection makes you weak, which makes it harder to leave or even to remember that you aren’t the crazy one in the whole mess of a relationship that you’ve held onto. Do you want your kids to learn this is how you treat a partner? Do you want to spend 20 years in recovery instead of living a normal and healthy life to be proud of?

If you are in a new relationship, if you are in a new marriage, if you are a new parent and your partner is an asshole, a jerk, a fucking idiot who brings you more grief that happiness, then get out while you still feel it’s a choice. Get out before you waste your life living in regrets where all you have to look back on are all the occasions they ruined, all the memories they twisted and your soul was used as a brillo pad to scour the hard buildup of issue after issue.

If your life is hard, it’s because you are with the wrong person. The right person, makes you feel like every moment matters because they are with you, sharing a life and experience. It has nothing to do with money or social position. A good marriage has nothing to do with anything besides how much you support the person you are with. When you do that, they feel loved and that is enough to get you through anything that comes your way; both good times and bad. because that’s what life is and that’s what love does. If you don’t have it, then leave it. You deserve more.

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8 Responses to When to leave a marriage

  1. charlypriest says:

    You did answer your question at the end, when you said at the beggining that what kind of bullshit it is when people say to you that what a person says to you should not make you miserable. That still stands, I could care less about what people say (if I did I probaby wouldn´ t get out of bed) And if you´re talking about relationships, I really don´t understand people that stay in toxic relationships that make them miserable. Is something that escapes me. Life is too short to spend it with a person or persons that try to hurt you. I have no time for those types.

  2. Ray says:

    Perfectly said. Get out now so in 20 years from now you can say “thank god I got out”.

  3. CaptivAzn says:

    You’ve given your marriage more than enough time to show signs of progress or forward-movement, but instead all you’ve run across are roadblocks. Don’t assume those are all roadblocks HE’s placed; many of those are yours as well because you are, in a way, tethering yourself to the HOPE of what could be.

    Rather than making excuses, finding detours, etc… rather than using your time & energy to move roadblocks that you don’t want to take with you anyway [baggage], why not just leave it where it sits — and move forward, on your own?

    Don’t be afraid of what (or who) you leave behind. Be afraid of what you lose in yourself and your life if you don’t turn off autopilot & start taking the wheel. You don’t need passengers to move forward; you just need a plan. 🙂

    And on that note, thanks to your post — it’s opening my eyes to my own li’l dilemma as well. I hope you gain the clarity you seek, and I hope you’re able to move forward and experience the life you were meant to have! Good luck!

    • rougedmount says:

      I’m glad it’s giving you insight into your own relationship as it’s one of the reasons I posted it.There are mitigating factors which have held me to my own marriage, ones I do not regret as I knew the cost to stay. Sometimes, you have to take one for the greater good of the family…and often times, that involves staying in a marriage you should not have entered into, in the first place.

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