i’m soul sick. i’ve had so many ideas, so many realizations. acted on so many instincts. the conclusion is i am shutting down and pulling away from many people. people on the periphery of my life who i dont care about anyway; but people who do impact my life due to their proximity to me. the people who should have been closer, family, i have also walked away from. it leaves me more content with my life but also it finalizes the loneliness that comes with living more independently, as a loner.
the process started about 5 or 6 months ago, i realize in retrospect. i just stopped caring about keeping the peace and sucking it up and feeling mitigated because i am the only person who seems to have a true understanding about what the word ‘compromise’ means. others have learned that it means ‘do what i want or there are consequences’ and my standing in front of them and saying no is resulting in the obvious tantrums and discordance that follows conflict.
and my ability to ‘give a fuck’ seems to have completely vanished. i hadn’t noticed it reducing nor did i make a conscious choice to start prioritizing my needs over others. but it happened. i’ve come to the point where if people decide to infringe on my rights or compassionate nature and good will, i simply shut them down. even when it means starting massive conflict that once again, i don’t give a fuck about. there actions are not garnering my anger or hostility, but a series of calculated responses which result in their own set of consequences.
and that’s okay. because i apparently am done with drama, done with making peace, done with having others decide the outcome of our interaction and done being the good will ambassador of my family and neighborhood. i do not give one single fuck about why you are being an ass-shat. I don’t care that you may have had a bad day because of some outside influences. your mood, your re-activeness, simply is not my concern. if you are a dickwad to me then do not act surprised when i tell you to leave me the fuck alone because i had nothing to do with your current state of mind and call you a fucking idiot, to boot.
i am on a short, short tempered leash. i have zero ability to present the pg version of polite non blame game, let’s all get along, of an interested person anymore. i don;t care about you or your family or your issues, other than if it impacts me in a negative way because you spill the toxins my way. i used to water them down, counsel you on future clean up, then take care of the mess it caused on my side. now i am erecting a fence, pointing a finger and advising you in no uncertain terms to clean up your own fucking mess and keep me out of it and while your at it, pay for the damage you caused.
i won’t go so far as to say i hate everyone right now, but i certainly harbor no good will towards them either. i have come to the conclusion that so many people are so selfish that the thin veil of their personalities are barely covered at times and what lay underneath is ugly. it’s why finding the good in someone is so important as heaven knows there is not a lot of it out there when you actually get down to the basics and start facing things as they are instead of how you wish them to be.