soul sick

i’m soul sick. i’ve had so many ideas, so many realizations. acted on so many instincts. the conclusion is i am shutting down and pulling away from many people. people on the periphery of my life who i dont care about anyway; but people who do impact my life due to their proximity to me. the people who should have been closer, family, i have also walked away from. it leaves me more content with my life but also it finalizes the loneliness that comes with living more independently, as a loner.

the process started about 5 or 6 months ago, i realize in retrospect. i just stopped caring about keeping the peace and sucking it up and feeling mitigated because i am the only person who seems to have a true understanding about what the word ‘compromise’ means. others have learned that it means ‘do what i want or there are consequences’ and my standing in front of them and saying no is resulting in the obvious tantrums and discordance that follows conflict.

and my ability to ‘give a fuck’ seems to have completely vanished. i hadn’t noticed it reducing nor did i make a conscious choice to start prioritizing my needs over others. but it happened. i’ve come to the point where if people decide to infringe on my rights or compassionate nature and good will, i simply shut them down. even when it means starting massive conflict that once again, i don’t give a fuck about. there actions are not garnering my anger or hostility, but a series of calculated responses which result in their own set of consequences.

and that’s okay. because i apparently am done with drama, done with making peace, done with having others decide the outcome of our interaction and done being the good will ambassador of my family and neighborhood. i do not give one single fuck about why you are being an ass-shat. I don’t care that you may have had a bad day because of some outside influences. your mood, your re-activeness, simply is not my concern. if you are a dickwad to me then do not act surprised when i tell you to leave me the fuck alone because i had nothing to do with your current state of mind and call you a fucking idiot, to boot.

i am on a short, short tempered leash. i have zero ability to present the pg version of polite non blame game, let’s all get along, of an interested person anymore. i don;t care about you or your family or your issues, other than if it impacts me in a negative way because you spill the toxins my way. i used to water them down, counsel you on future clean up, then take care of the mess it caused on my side. now i am erecting a fence, pointing a finger and advising you in no uncertain terms to clean up your own fucking mess and keep me out of it and while your at it, pay for the damage you caused.

i won’t go so far as to say i hate everyone right now, but i certainly harbor no good will towards them either. i have come to the conclusion that so many people are so selfish that the thin veil of their personalities are barely covered at times and what lay underneath is ugly. it’s why finding the good in someone is so important as heaven knows there is not a lot of it out there when you actually get down to the basics and start facing things as they are instead of how you wish them to be.

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7 Responses to soul sick

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Yep, I know how you feel; I’ve had several of these moments in my life to date and during some of those moments, I had to work very hard to find something to give a fuck about… and it wasn’t always easy and to say that I was a royal bastard during those times is being very nice about it.

    Still, I managed to get through them because I’d always realize that there was nothing to be gained by not giving a fuck about anything; my life would just stand still or maybe even go backwards. Not only was that not acceptable, it was the antithesis of everything I was as a person, went against everything I learned and was taught and all of this reminded me that I’m better than this, that I had to be better or I’d wind up in the same cesspool with the other people who chose not to give a fuck about anything.

    I realized that I got like this whenever I’d get into a rut and wasn’t making much progress in getting anything done; my fuse is probably a lot shorter than yours and, yep, I’m much more violent and dangerously so – a look would be enough to set me off. I’d be pissed with everyone and everything and then be even more pissed at myself for being in this frame of mind to begin with and, yes, I’d blame everyone around me even though I knew the fault was mine and mine alone and all because I let the dumb shit get to me.

    I’d get out of this shitty mood by remembering why I was doing the stuff I was doing, that I had a purpose to keep doing stuff and that I couldn’t justify failure in any of it, not when it was in my power to effect change and all that important crap. I’d kick myself in the nuts and tell myself, “Get your stupid ass in gear – NOW!” and, well, get my stupid ass back into gear again. I wondered, for the longest time, if it was possible to never feel like this and the only thing I could come up with was to just not let the dumb shit life throws at me get me down.

    Today, I don’t get like that and I know it’s because I don’t have the gazillion tons of responsibilities I once had and, oddly, it makes sense for me not to give a fuck about not giving a fuck because it’s a waste of time and energy… and I have better things to do other than not giving a fuck.

  2. Jayne says:

    Isn’t it strange how this realization appears. I would have thought that it would have been a conscious decision made of steps – nope. I think it was the accumulation of takers and life mining all of my “give a fuck” until I realized I was almost empty. Go on you tube and see Wanda Sykes talk about not giving a fuck. It might give you a laugh OR you might not give a fuck.

    • rougedmount says:

      lol..absolutely love that woman! i think you keep walking forward and then eventually realize you are somewhere else.

      • Jayne says:

        deep down, getting to this point is sad to me because it means giving up or letting go of the idea that people are good to you, if you’re good to them. You know, Treat people the way you want to be treated. Even as I wrote that, I was cut off by the fact that people are just different and many more would rather take the easier route than do any work to make something BETTER. Good thing I don’t give a fuck anymore : )

  3. Yep. It’s been happening to me over last 18 months or so. My ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude was crystallised by my diagnosis of a chronic incurable disease last Christmas. None of my family could let go of their own insular bull shit long enough to ask me how I was coping. Not. One.

    They just cyberstalk me and lob emotional boulders at me, they are toxic. We are estranged.

    I am now actively ‘sorting’ people into supporters and time wasters. I’m getting better at recognising both. It certainly saves time…..

    • rougedmount says:

      i completely empathize with you. Like you, my extended family has been categorized and heaved if they were incapable of some pretty basic empathy skills and provided nothing but negativity. I have suffered the backhanded snarky remarks of those who judge without asking or understanding why it occurred…and so I tossed them as well. It seems I have no time for people like that anymore. And I don’t even feel badly abut it. or miss them. they were toxic and life feels better without dealing with it in increments that get thrown at me unexpectedly.

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