My spouse has been trying to make things work between us for an extended period of time now. The push to reconnect has been long enough that I believe its sincerity. I also know the realization he had to do something has come because of his health issues, which have deteriorated enough to have caused him some concern. Which I believe has lead him to become more aware that he is not guaranteed any extra time to fix things between us.
My spouse and I basically don’t have sex. We have not had a real sex life or shared intimacy over the last 20 years for a variety of reasons, but in the last 10 years, things have gotten to the point of forced celibacy for me. He refuses to talk about his issues and over the years, I have been forced to come to my own conclusions about his lack of interest and lack of ability when it comes to sexual performance.
He can neither get nor stay hard and he withdrew from the relationship and me rather than try and deal with it. He also became angry with me for having a sex drive and blamed me for his issues in a passive aggressive way. The cause started as psychological but turned to physical. He takes Thyroid medication as well as for high blood pressure and cholesterol. The biggest concern he has is Diabetes, which has worsened greatly.
He has very bad circulation issues and it has gotten to the point where today I went with him to see an orthopaedic surgeon. He is facing having the baby toe from the left foot amputated in the near future and possibly the one on the right as well, once that heals. His circulation is worsening and unless things change with his health, there is a real chance, he may end up losing more toes or even a foot.
He is feeling shocked and nervous. He is seeing the result of his neglect. In many ways I think that’s how he has been viewing our marriage over the last year. He saw what I was doing and he finally realized what that actually meant in regards to our marriage. It meant I had no connection to him, no desire to be with him and I think he finally saw that I was there to be a parent. He saw that my frustration came from sexual denial and I think he finally believed that I was not faithful to him. And he adjusted to it because his life changed for the better as I was no longer angry all the time.
I’m not sure what will happen between us. We are at such a good place in our lives right now. The kids are doing amazing as young adults and are transitioning into independence with guidance but nothing I am concerned with. Financially, stable and secure. Things have aligned and we have so much free time to invest in personal interests that I am shocked and excited by how things are in my life right now. The single downfall is sex.
My spouse teases me and we laugh together. He acts silly with me and we have fun together. He is finally, after all these years, starting to do things with me that I enjoy and have done solo for the last 7 or 8 years and he is not begrudging them or sabotaging them. The issue I have with all of that? Is that everything is platonic for him, ends up arousing me and I end up feeling cheated that when we take that bike ride to a secluded spot, I can’t offer to suck him off, as he won’t get hard. When he grabs my ass in the kitchen, or kisses my neck, I have erotic shivers course through my body and instead of taking his hand to go to the bedroom for a quickie, I have to accept the fact it may be weeks before he attempts sex because he feels like he may be able to perform or get hard.
It leaves me in an awkward position. I love that he is finally touching me but it makes me sexually frustrated. I am not sexually frustrated when he touches me, if I am having regular sex with another man. So the only way I can have my spouse touch me, is if I have an affair so my sexual needs are being met. I have tried exhaustively to get him to talk to me about it. To be open about my needs and tell him what I need. He ignores it and refuses to reply. So I say that his omission is permission to proceed as I have and he still says nothing. I truly believe he doesn’t want actual details but doesn’t mind what I do, as long as his life isn’t impacted and I stay married to him.
This is not the type of marriage I thought I’d have and I wish things were openly talked about, but I am wondering if this can work long term. Especially if I start being more open about it. I wish I had a man full time who could respond to me. I need it. My arousal comes from seeing and feeling a mans hardness. I do not respond at all if he is soft. Our only sexual contact is using dildos or his fingers and mouth to get me off on the rare occasions he can hide his groin from me. His version of sex now occurs an hour after I have gone to bed and been asleep and in the dark so I can’t see the state of his soft cock.
For another woman, this might be enough. It might be more than she ever hoped for. And yet for me, because I have a sexual nature, it feels like the worst sort of sentence to endure. Arousal with no real satisfaction.
So I think that because of his health issues, he is trying what he can to become part of my life again and while he has succeeded in function for a large part, the sexual component has no resolution as far as I am concerned. Yet perhaps in his head it IS resolved and that he has abdicated his responsibility for it to another man as long as I maintain cooking dinner and providing him with a sleeping companion. Who knows.
Right now, he has to decide if he goes through with the initial amputation and schedules a surgery for next fall so it coincides with all of the plans we have already made for the next year. It’s not ‘urgent’ and his pain management is well under control by using a prosthesis and anti inflammatory medications. It’s getting to the point that is no longer working on a consistent basis, which is why he has to schedule surgery. Our marriage issues all boils down to wishing he would just talk to me about what’s happening.
We’ve never been a united front, never been a traditional couple and now we are at the point where maybe we will never have that type of relationship at all. Not if he is okay with abdication of his marital responsibility, to see me sexually satisfied by a surrogate.