i’ve been suffering with a migraine which has lasted in varying degrees, 3 weeks. the last 4 or 5 days, i’ve been quick to get a headache, sometimes 2 or 6 in a day, which will go away if i take an aspirin and lay down immediately and close my eyes. sometimes i doze off and other times, not.
today, i felt one coming, so i prepped myself, lay on the sofa. the dogs jumped up and arranged themselves on me as their weight and heat, help me to relax. i felt myself begin to drift and tension ebbed. then i heard my father call my name as clear as day, as if he were standing at the end of the sofa, where my feet were.
i bolted upright, heart pounding, eyes wide, breathing fast as i tried to make sense of what just had happened. i heard him and it startled me. he passed away 5 years ago and it was the first time i felt him come to me, let alone heard him. i have not even dreamed of him. up until this moment, my father has been ‘gone’.
did i have a lucid dream? did i have an auditory hallucination, created from the constant migraines of the last 3 weeks? did my father actually come and visit me? what would have happened, had i not been so startled when i heard his voice? i think that’s the thing that is bothering me the most. i heard his voice.
it was so real. his voice sounded as real as the sound of my nails clicking on the keyboard or the dogs snoring at my side right now. it didn’t feel like a dream. i didn’t feel asleep. there was no pause between wake and sleep or sense of grogginess. my body had responded instantly to what i heard. the suddenness of his voice startled me, but it didn’t scare me.
he said my name as if it were a question. the way people say your name before they ask you something. the tone was unmistakable, having heard it a million times over my lifetime. i heard the catch of his breath before he spoke, the suddenness of when he stopped. i heard it. unless it’s happened to you, it’s rather hard to explain the conviction i have that he was here.
i wish i had been prepared to hear him and feel him. that i could have simply said ‘yes, dad?’ and discovered what it is he wanted to say to me. i think my reaction freaked us both out. maybe he didn’t expect me to hear him so clearly. either way, it feels strange to know he was here because i feel like he’s never gone. maybe he hasn’t and that’s why i am not lonely for him.
i miss his advice, his humor, making new memories; but i don’t miss him. maybe that’s because he still visits me, even if i am not aware of it consciously. maybe some weird switch happened today and let me hear the other side. or maybe it was simply a drug induced, migraine fueled dream. or a brain tumor. but i don’t think so.
thanks Dad… it was nice hearing your voice again after so long. i keep looking up at the door to the family room, expecting you to walk through it. I keep wondering if you are going to try talking to me again and if you do, when it will be. something tells me your version of time and mine are a little off.