i’d rather have and not need, than need and not have. i’m tired, bitchy, sexually frustrated, pissed off with myself at forgetting that he is not a normal man with normal drives or normal responses. i should know better. i hate the fact i have to keep so controlled JUST to be below average. just to be freaking below average. i can’t imagine a man ever thinking that a pathetically average performance is adequate in any way. sex with him is unforgettable in so far that it’s so horribly bad, so terribly disappointing and brutally brief.
it wasn’t even sex. the sad thing is, it was another failed attempt at sex and that’s all he is capable of. god, i need. i need to be with someone who is in control, not takes it, not pretends to have it, but where it comes as a natural extension of his sexual preference. a man who wants to make me understand i am completely and totally female and as strong as i am, as powerful as i can be, i am always going to be his sexual minion. i feel like if i can’t lose control in bed, then i’m going to lose control in my real and public life.