pieces of peace

i wrote a long post about Fathers day that turned into a pity party blame game and that’s not what i wanted to say. my father is dead. the journey between his cancer diagnosis and his death, left me with pieces of peace. i’ve learned to live without him, learned to miss him less. then there are moments that come unaware that i forget he is not here and the sharp memory that he is gone, pierces me as if no time had passed since he left. he left.

part of me blames him for leaving me. for choosing to smoke. for saying at 40 that when he was 60 he would be old and ready to die. he wasn’t ready. and he didn’t realize that 60 wasn’t old until he reached that age. i wanted those extra 20 years. i needed him. i need him. his guidance, his support, his belief in me…i needed those. we need more words in english to express pain and loss because saying ‘i miss him’ is a disservice to what i feel. it’s like thinking you miss breathing when you are drowning. he was a good man and he chose to be my father. not a step father but my ‘stepped up’ father. and he nailed it. i miss his voice. i miss his humor. i miss his laughter. i miss his wisdom. i miss his unique little quirks that made him my dad.

i miss the quiet start to the day, drinking a cup of tea with him on a summer morning as we sat and talked overlooking the river, watching the mist rise thru the trees and the sun slowly start to burn it off. he loved me and i never doubted it. i know he stayed as long as he could. i know he didn’t want to leave me. i know he regretted the choices he made 30 years earlier. i know he was happy i was there when he died. and i know he would be sad to know i am still hurting. i’m sorry dad. sorry i felt so sad today. i promise to be grateful tomorrow…but today, today i just needed to let myself miss you and feel sorry for myself because you aren’t here in person. i love you dad.

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9 Responses to pieces of peace

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    My real father and I were never close.And even though he’s been dead for 20 years as of today, there are time when I can’t help but wonder if things might’ve changed had he been around longer. For you to have a loving and important relationship with your father — and to have lost him so young — I know must be sepcially difficult. You don’t learn to live with the the pain, you learn to live through it. Certainly no pitty party in any of your words on this post or the other; only love for you father. *sending a strong, supportive hug*

    • rougedmount says:

      greatly appreciated the virtual hugs….the man was my “stepped up” father…. more important to me than any other relationship. truly a good man. i was so blessed.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        “‘Stepped up’ father…” I like that.
        It takes a special person to willingly accept that role and come into someone’s life. I’m so glad that he came into yours.

  2. georgeforfun says:

    Indeed, I didn’t read a pity party, I read a woman thinking backwards, remembering a loved Father and trying to put words into the “you are missing from my life everyday you are no longer here” and wishing you’d had more time with him and he with you. My heart hurts for you both. I have children almost as old as my Dad was when he passed prematurely from an aneurysm at 41. I think how spoiled his Grands and Great Grands would’ve been over the years and every now and then I hear his voice laughing ever so deep and loud, knowing he wishes he could be here, too. I’m pretty sure he misses us, too. Be blessed, Milady. It’s not pity you wrote about, it’s unconditional LOVE and that needs no apology EVER.
    ❤ (๑̀ ͜ʖ๑́) ❤

    • rougedmount says:

      i appreciate the kind words…and am sorry you lost a father so very young.

      • georgeforfun says:

        TY. Losing our Dad early on is one major reason I make sure my Clan and I, even if we disagree on any particular subject or position, always ensure the last words between any of us on any day are of love and support. It prevents a lot of “what ifs” & “regrets”
        . We learned those lessons the hard way, but better than never. It helps a lot with closure, because one just never knows when you’ve been given your last breath or chance to say I love you. My Dad must have felt something, he put me to work at 10 and prepared me to take over a lot of the financial business of his and my Grandparents, just in case, I suppose. He was forward looking/thinking, prepared like a Marine and Boy Scout, indeed. I made sure my Kids knew what was expected from them at a very early age. At first they thought I was a mean old fashioned bully and never wanted any of them to have any “fun.” Now they’re older with Kids of their own or with all the Nephews and Nieces from their Siblings, and understand a lot of reasoning behind their life lessons. Having kids of your own changes you, I can guarantee. For the positive or negative, that’s up to each one of us, only future will tell if we did a good job or great one.
        ᕙ(💓▿💓)ᕗ

  3. I thought it was a sweet post. I never had that connection with a parent, keep cherishing it, it makes you who you are:)

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