i wrote a long post about Fathers day that turned into a pity party blame game and that’s not what i wanted to say. my father is dead. the journey between his cancer diagnosis and his death, left me with pieces of peace. i’ve learned to live without him, learned to miss him less. then there are moments that come unaware that i forget he is not here and the sharp memory that he is gone, pierces me as if no time had passed since he left. he left.
part of me blames him for leaving me. for choosing to smoke. for saying at 40 that when he was 60 he would be old and ready to die. he wasn’t ready. and he didn’t realize that 60 wasn’t old until he reached that age. i wanted those extra 20 years. i needed him. i need him. his guidance, his support, his belief in me…i needed those. we need more words in english to express pain and loss because saying ‘i miss him’ is a disservice to what i feel. it’s like thinking you miss breathing when you are drowning. he was a good man and he chose to be my father. not a step father but my ‘stepped up’ father. and he nailed it. i miss his voice. i miss his humor. i miss his laughter. i miss his wisdom. i miss his unique little quirks that made him my dad.
i miss the quiet start to the day, drinking a cup of tea with him on a summer morning as we sat and talked overlooking the river, watching the mist rise thru the trees and the sun slowly start to burn it off. he loved me and i never doubted it. i know he stayed as long as he could. i know he didn’t want to leave me. i know he regretted the choices he made 30 years earlier. i know he was happy i was there when he died. and i know he would be sad to know i am still hurting. i’m sorry dad. sorry i felt so sad today. i promise to be grateful tomorrow…but today, today i just needed to let myself miss you and feel sorry for myself because you aren’t here in person. i love you dad.