i sat gripping the steering wheel loosely. the heat of the sun, coming down through the sunroof, making the top of my head feel as if liquid warmth was pouring over my hair and shoulders like hot fudge on a sundae. i watched you walk away with a soft, sad smile as i acknowledged to myself that you never looked back. it’s simply not how you are wired.
you have so much damage from your past, that at times i can see it as clearly as watching heat radiate upwards from metal, in nevada at high noon on a mid day in august. you, who are quite possibly one of the most beautiful men i have ever known, have a damaged and warped soul; twisted by pain, tortured by memories.
you fear me. as mush as you desire me, as much control as you have in every other way, you fear the emotional awareness i have of you. i think you feel exposed when you are with me and it makes you want to take flight. it makes you uncomfortable and you want to get away from me, even as much as you want me.
this conflict you have about me, makes you believe you are the delicate moth beating against the glass of a brightly burning flame, knowing that i will lead to more pain for you. you are tempted then flee, you flee then come back. you have no idea how to be a friend to me. the sexual current between us makes it impossible. your distrust of me as a woman, makes it impossible.
i realized today that in spite of helping so many others heal from their past and move forward into positive futures, you, i will never be able to touch that way. you are more than hurt, more than the sum of your past.how you have chosen to protect who you are has altered who you are to the extent that you are never going to have the type of relationship most normal women think about, as normal.
you are a shell of a man, who can only handle superficial interaction because you are terrified that it’s because it’s all you have to give or offer. you fear your secret being known. you fear me because i confront you with it with a smiling laugh of acceptance for who you are. i hit so close to home, that it makes you unable to maintain your composure. the iron mask slips and even though i haven’t flinched from it, you have.
you walked away from me, without looking back, because you don’t want to want me, you don’t want to see me, don’t want me to see you and you push your control of the situation by purposefully looking forward towards anything that is not me. i can’t even feel sorry for you as i understand all too well, that i have analyzed this, and you, for the last time. i’m sorry you were hurt so badly. truly and honestly sorry.