A 3 hour conversation about our marriage, our intimacy issues and his sexual dysfunction. Complete, cards on the table, full disclosure for the first time in 27 years from him. Not only has he heard me, he has expressed regret, he is emotional, he has admitted his role in where we are now and has verbalized what he has done to me, to us.
He has thought about it enough in these last 4 days that he has come up with a plan to work through things. He has said more in 1 conversation than the entire marriage, combined. He even went so far to admit that his word means nothing and he has to prove it with actions. There is nothing I could add. It is the only timed I have ever believed he actually understood exactly where I am at in regards to the marriage.
He finally understands everything I said about finding comfort with others, that he was happier when I was with others because I no longer pressured him for anything, was actually ‘real’ and he can’t believe that he refused to listen before now. This has been the single time we have ever had a back and forth conversation. The first where he said things he never has. The first time he did not filter for content and spoke without pausing.
I came out and told him that I am going to spent time with someone this week end when he goes away and he understands. He is saddened by it but has not told me not to. He gets it. And he said he is willing to do what he has to, to make sure we stay married and that it’s more than just in name. He has called his work assistance program and will arrange for counselling for himself. He wants me to have the support I need from whoever I decide to have in my life, while he proves that he wants to be the man I deserve.
He completely opened up about his sexuality, his issues, his problems and his concerns. Completely. Thank heavens I had read various blogs for content so that I truly understood the challenges and issues I believe he is living with. This conversation with him was a complete game changer. He is aware that I can’t accept what he said at face value and he listed all the reasons why. He understands that he emotionally and physically neglected me and he expressed deep remorse over it and gratitude that I was able to find it elsewhere, which shocked and surprised me.
He wants reconciliation. He wants a new life for us that is vastly different than the past. He is not willing to have me divorce him because of his own stupidity. He wants to do the work. This entire expression is new and this level of openness has never happened before. Do I believe him? Yes. Do I think he will be able to follow through? I doubt it, simply based on the last 20 years of knowing him. Do I want to believe he can succeed? Yes. This doesn’t feel like his normal bait and switch so I have to let him try.
I am emotionally spent. I feel twisted and raw. I feel like my eyes are burning and I feel completely drained. His honest intensity was painful to listen to and experience. My emotional response was hard to go through. I have a lot to talk with to the man I plan on spending time with this week-end. My intent is to possibly let him help me and potentially help my marriage but I just don’t know what form that is going to take yet.
He has no true understanding of how most marriages are because what he had with me was exceptional. He stated he took it for granted. I am going to introduce him to some men who are going to explain things to him. Honestly and in front of me. He’s going to hear that most men experience things vastly different than he had it and he is going to hear why they want me. He says he wants this. So lets see if he can handle it.