handling the marriage truths

A 3 hour conversation about our marriage, our intimacy issues and his sexual dysfunction. Complete, cards on the table, full disclosure for the first time in 27 years from him. Not only has he heard me, he has expressed regret, he is emotional, he has admitted his role in where we are now and has verbalized what he has done to me, to us.

He has thought about it enough in these last 4 days that he has come up with a plan to work through things. He has said more in 1 conversation than the entire marriage, combined. He even went so far to admit that his word means nothing and he has to prove it with actions. There is nothing I could add. It is the only timed I have ever believed he actually understood exactly where I am at in regards to the marriage.

He finally understands everything I said about finding comfort with others, that he was happier when I was with others because I no longer pressured him for anything, was actually ‘real’ and he can’t believe that he refused to listen before now. This has been the single time we have ever had a back and forth conversation. The first where he said things he never has. The first time he did not filter for content and spoke without pausing.

I came out and told him that I am going to spent time with someone this week end when he goes away and he understands. He is saddened by it but has not told me not to. He gets it. And he said he is willing to do what he has to, to make sure we stay married and that it’s more than just in name. He has called his work assistance program and will arrange for counselling for himself. He wants me to have the support I need from whoever I decide to have in my life, while he proves that he wants to be the man I deserve.

He completely opened up about his sexuality, his issues, his problems and his concerns. Completely. Thank heavens I had read various blogs for content so that I truly understood the challenges and issues I believe he is living with. This conversation with him was a complete game changer. He is aware that I can’t accept what he said at face value and he listed all the reasons why. He understands that he emotionally and physically neglected me and he expressed deep remorse over it and gratitude that I was able to find it elsewhere, which shocked and surprised me.

He wants reconciliation. He wants a new life for us that is vastly different than the past. He is not willing to have me divorce him because of his own stupidity. He wants to do the work. This entire expression is new and this level of openness has never happened before. Do I believe him? Yes. Do I think he will be able to follow through? I doubt it, simply based on the last 20 years of knowing him. Do I want to believe he can succeed? Yes. This doesn’t feel like his normal bait and switch so I have to let him try.

I am emotionally spent. I feel twisted and raw. I feel like my eyes are burning and I feel completely drained. His honest intensity was painful to listen to and experience. My emotional response was hard to go through. I have a lot to talk with to the man I plan on spending time with this week-end. My intent is to possibly let him help me and potentially help my marriage but I just don’t know what form that is going to take yet.

He has no true understanding of how most marriages are because what he had with me was exceptional. He stated he took it for granted. I am going to introduce him to some men who are going to explain things to him. Honestly and in front of me. He’s going to hear that most men experience things vastly different than he had it and he is going to hear why they want me. He says he wants this. So lets see if he can handle it.

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35 Responses to handling the marriage truths

  1. Anonymous says:

    How far are you able to accommodate “his sexuality, his issues,his problems” you refer to? The need to be cuckolded can be associated with bisexuality or unacknowledged homosexuality. Gender identification issues and submissive urges may be present.
    These are only problems in the context of your relationship in the long term, if you see them as such. A so called mono/poly relationship perhaps with him being your submissive, and you allowing him to express his feminine side to some degree, may make him much happier and feel valued. Better communication should follow. I don’t think it is realistic to expect him to develop alpha male instincts he clearly does not have. This situation in long term marriages is not uncommon.

    • rougedmount says:

      i have discussed: bisexuality, homosexuality (he staunchly denies both). I am not concerned with gender identification at all, as he clearly presents as male. I have defined the term: cuckold especially as it relates to our marriage. I am now confident he wants to go down that path. My issue with it, is I highly doubt his ability to handle the realities of the situation because he is unable to communicate his fears, concerns; all of which you need when dealing with a sexually dynamic relationship. He can’t even manage monogamy. He is submissive. To what extent? I don’t know. Again, I am measuring his response to stimulus as opposed to honest expression of needs and desires. I absolutely do not expect him to be an alpha male as that would be as impossible for him as giving birth.

      • Anonymous says:

        Have you had a look at “She makes the rules”? A supportive online community for couples with exactly the issues you describe. Free to enrol and talk online with Debbie who owns the site, lives in Portland and has wide experience in counselling couples. If your husband is able to open up, perhaps to a third party, ideally that rare breed outside the US, a so called kink counsellor, You have to decide whether you want to save your marriage. In his position, I would not be frank with you if you continue to insist you are leaving anyway. Why would he trust you? The idea of bringing in unskilled outsiders to tell him how to behave as a man seems potentially very destructive. When discussing your relationship you always seem to portray him as a bad man. Perhaps he is a good man who is confused, sad, depressed even, struggling with the issues you describe. Could you love him as a submissive cuckold husband? Have you told him that you do not rule out reconciliation based on honesty, acceptance and mutual respect for your partner’s needs?

      • rougedmount says:

        i need to correct one of your statements “you always seem to portray him as a bad man”…as I don’t. I write about my frustrations with him as this is my outlet and I have even said that he is a ‘good man’ he just has many issues. I am not exaggerating when I say he is non communicative yet he believes he is. My view is he is asexual and his view is that we have a normal sexual relationship. Over 20 years we have seen 6? marriage Councillors? Been to therapies..couples and family…and he lasts 1 or 2 sessions then bailed because the professionals are biased-not understanding-stupid. Even ones he’s picked.
        I’ve often said that his version of abuse is simple neglect. When someone is verbally or physically abusive it’s easier for others to see/understand/accept. Yet, when you have a man who performs all basic father-man tasks to the minimum required standard and publicly presents that minimum standard towards me most of the time, it makes it harder to ‘prove’ to other people.
        I am aware that my position is hard to understand. I am standing directly on the fence. I can step off to one side and leave him and be completely okay with that and on the other, could stay and work things through and be fine with that too. I am not leaving ‘for’ someone, but leaving if i have to for ‘me’. i am not staying because i fear leaving, but simply because when i married, i wanted to stay married to him. The emotional trauma that he has been responsible for has changed things irretrievably between us because I no longer ‘love’ him as I did. The blinders are completely off. I am not sure if I will ever love him again. But I don;t dislike him either. After all these years, I understand that he did not do what he did from malice but because he is incapable of doing more or doing better. Will he be able to work at things now that he seems to accept the reality of our union? I don’t know. I am neither excited by his revelation or angry by the length of time it’s taken him to get here. If nothing else, I am at a place where I can not harm his attempts at personal growth by staying and trying. If nothing else he’ll be a better man for the next woman in his life. But would I like him to be the man I believed he was when I married him? The answer is a surprising …yes.

  2. ismeisreallyme says:

    Wow. Simply, wow, for now. It’s a lot to digest, indeed. I hope you find peace this weekend as you start this new leg of the journey {{hugs}}

  3. Ray says:

    HOLY MOLY! I bet you are emotionally drained! I’m glad you 2 had this conversation. Forever hopeful for you.

  4. kittykat says:

    Wow! That’s intense. Do let us know how it works out love. Best of luck with it.

  5. kdaddy23 says:

    Yeah – wow… picking my jaw off the floor again…

    • rougedmount says:

      and shaking your head at me?…lol… i was shocked he talked to me…and i didn’t push for it … i am not about to walk out the door..i’ve told him i dont trust him and that my life and plans continue as i’ve arranged…but i am open to his proactively changing things…the issue is if he is a submissive cuckold then it requires me to be assertive and include him..but i am not there yet

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Not shaking my head at you – just didn’t see that one coming. As someone said, he could have been asexual or became that way… but to learn that he’s finally come clean with you about this?

        Amazing… and about damned time.

      • rougedmount says:

        i don’t often become overloaded…and i am. to be honest, i am not sure what to do…

      • kdaddy23 says:

        You’ll figure it out and will do what’s best for your situation… but, wow…

        I’m not sure what I’d do in this situation so don’t feel bad!

  6. Domina Jen says:

    Wow… Big change! I definitely hope he’ll be able to stick with it. Change is never easy.

    • rougedmount says:

      i’ve told him based on his past i don’t believe it…but am more than willing to accept any changes he can do…and i have no idea if it will impact me or not

      • Domina Jen says:

        You’re more than justified in not believing him… I wouldn’t believe him, either. But you’re keeping an open mind, and that’s something. Only time will tell if he’s able to follow through or not.

  7. Village Idiot says:

    My dear, dear rougedmount …

    You are exhausted. This ran you through an emotional wringer fer sure. I understand your reservation to accept his commitment. But you have — how does that expression go — served the ball into his court. He must make good his stated intention.

    For all that from my own experience I understand him to have done to you, I cannot help but gain some measure of respect for his manning up to these things. This has not been easy for him.

    As things are, my heart goes out for you both; my desire for you [plural] is that he continues to talk with you, and to accept that you must find healing and peace. If he can take pleasure in that, perhaps he can still be part of your life.

    He himself has born an huge load. If he will continue to be open and supportive of you, he may find that the changed dynamics in your relationship with each other holds positive import for him. If he is at all like the ball and chain, he has lived long with a massive measure of guilt. I have an hunch about this. I could be wrong, but my hunches are good. They are usually correct. And my hunch is that the anger/denial and associated behavior have been attempts to avoid the very issues to which he has now admitted. This has potential to be life transforming for you both.

    How I wish I could be one of the men to sit down and speak with him.

    Village Idiot

    PS: I’ve met a woman. Presently, I sense that she is open to friendship on some level at least. She knows I’m ‘married’ but knows nothing more than that. I’m thinking that I may pursue this. A while ago, what’s her name likewise gave me ‘permission’ to ‘do what you have to do.’ Like you, I’m questioning how deeply the ramifications of this have settled into her mind. But again, she may have to accept it. Then again, I’m still trying to decide if I could accept this myself. Sigh …

    • rougedmount says:

      the burden of sharing your life story with someone, physical interaction aside, helps to heal you and you have no idea how much, until it actually starts to happen. please do not question. there’s been enough of that. how about you simply accept the gift of friendship for what it is and do not project your past onto what it could be. Let it grow naturally.
      as to me? him?
      oh he struggled. he painfully brutally said..stuff..it’s been a rough rough week..i’m not even sure what i have or have not disclosed or thought about yet. all i know it’s far too much for the order i cherish

  8. Sharn says:

    Oh wowsers.

    I’m so glad you guys talked and like you I hope that he can carry through this change. But time will tell and no wonder you’re wringed out!

    Take time on yourself and get lots of pampering in.

    • rougedmount says:

      time i have…pampering? not so much… the good thing about time is if you are blessed enough to make it through another day, you might be fortunate enough to see another day that changes things in your life

      • Sharn says:

        That’s really shit. I think I would lose mind if I didn’t have me time.

        Here’s to being blessed with more time. Life changes whether we want it to or not I’ve found.

  9. Mr Modigliani says:

    I haven’t been here to your blog in a very long time but it is such a relief to see these issues fully expressed and communicated with each other. This is truly difficult in a long term marriage as there are many wounds, judgments, perceptions and established patterns getting in the way.

    • rougedmount says:

      well I’m glad you found your way back. I am planning on accepting his attempt to communicate and will work hard on being patient with it..as I am sure he is bound to make colossal mistakes as it truly is all new for him. Again..I am trying to stave off feeling resentment because I am once again having to guide, make concessions and bite my tongue to allow for his success. That gets old very fast. I hope I have enough stamina to endure the challenges..and I hope he is sincere

      • Mr Modigliani says:

        It is very difficult and I wish you the best. Each person has their journey and deserves to be loved, even when those journeys are quite different

  10. Anonymous says:

    You write with such passion and when not speaking angrily about your husband, sometimes with great sensitivity. Do you have mood swings, ever wondered if you might be bipolar?
    Do you see any Asperger’s traits in your husband?
    I hope you don’t my find comments intrusive.

    • rougedmount says:

      lmao – no – I don’t have mood swings…I have a normal response to a variety of situations which can be challenging and overwhelming. That is inherently different than ‘mood swings’. If anything, my ability to return to a base function in the presence or aftermath of great traumas or crisis, is far superior than most people. I am definitively not bi-polar but have struggled with Depression as well as PTSD…as in my case they go hand in hand. There are asperger traits in my maternal family (aunt) and my spouse’s..specifically his mother and 2 cousins

  11. The Woman Invisible says:

    I would tend to believe you know the answer…20 years has already demonstrated. I wished for better for myself as well…and he proved me right…I don’t know if I can ever believe again that people truly can change so drastically but I hope and pray, for you, that he does.

    • rougedmount says:

      the thing is, after so long, i am neither naive or bitter. he either will or won’t and i will either stay or go and neither choice will be hard to make. his actually trying to talk is a start..nothing more. he either will follow through or he won’t and i am not going to invest in him until the proof of his ability to maintain communication, is established. actions…not words…

      • The Woman Invisible says:

        yes, that is the only way…actions. I never got that after so much talking, so ultimately made that decision. And it was much easier with a little proof that he wasn’t able to act on his words.

      • rougedmount says:

        it’s a wait and see thing for me right now..with no promises from me on how things will go

  12. Anonymous says:

    In the domme/sub male community, a journal written by the sub is apparently helpful to the domme in understanding her sub. With his communication issues, this might help your husband to express his feelings and anxieties to you.

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