notice of refusal

He refused to discuss our relationship, the sexual issues we have and the problems in the marriage. I tried several times, stating that I was once again at the point where I could no longer ignore him, ignoring me and my needs.  Of course my bringing it up, turned into a mini lecture because he passive aggressively, says NOTHING. As if his refusal to speak a word will simply negate anything I have said.

Fine. I told him that his refusal this time meant that it was going to change things between us irrevocably and he could get used to the idea or he could file for divorce. All things he has heard 100’s of times and why he simply doesn’t react to it. The fact is, by my staying, he thinks he doesn’t have to change or even try. He could catch me in bed with another man and he could find a reason to explain it away so he didn’t have to deal with the reality in front of him.

He doesn’t know it yet, but there isn’t going to be anymore sex between us. The last time he attempted and failed, will actually be the last time.  I am sure he will notice eventually and when I remind him of what was said, he will be steadfast in his refusal of what happened and blame our issues on my refusing his advances and not the fact that his advances are 2 to 4 months apart and the duration of the event itself,  is seconds.

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10 Responses to notice of refusal

  1. georgiakevin says:

    My deepest sympathy. I am very sorry for your deep pain.

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Amazing… I really wonder what’s going on in his head that he’s behaving in such an “unmanly” way regarding this? I mean, damn, you gotta try to make love, fuck, have sex with – however you wanna put it – with your woman! If you’re at least trying to please her, that might get you enough Brownie points to keep her out of some other man’s bed. And if you know for a fact that you just cannot do it – or do anything at all – then admit it; talk about it and don’t leave her to her own devices unless, of course, you really don’t give a fuck what she’s gonna do about this deplorable situation.

    That couldn’t be me in this situation; even if I couldn’t get the job done, I’d bite the bullet and tell you, “Baby, go get a lover…”

    • rougedmount says:

      it amazes me, it still has the power to amaze me, that a man can have no sex drive. none. zero. nada. and because he has none he does not understand the fact that i do. when i want to talk about it, he acts like a child and as if you are speaking in a foreign tongue. he refuses to acknowledge or accept that there are sexual issues. unresolved problems. massive failure of the marriage. if i wasn’t so tired, i’d try to be pissed.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        It is amazing that he keeps acting as if there isn’t a problem when it’s so obvious that there’s a problem. Okay… he lost his libido – sadly, it can happen to us and in many ways. But, I dunno, Rouged, common sense almost demands that if you know that your get up and go has gotten up and left, it’s a major problem for your partner and one that has to be addressed and dealt with in some way, even if it comes to divorce so she can be free to get the sexual satisfaction she needs.

        I can understand not going the divorce route… but the problem still exists, right? And maybe you just let her go get all the dick she can deal with, with or without your “blessing” as it were… but you still talk about it… or I know I would – but, yeah, that’s me.

        Would it be hard to officially admit that you have no sex drive? Yeah, I think so; I think about that sometimes and it bothers me so much I wanna throw up… but I’d admit it; I’d talk about it and my version of common sense and logic would demand that I either let you go or, if I really want to keep you, tell you that it would be i the best interest for both of us if you took a lover… or two or three.

        To do what he’s doing is beyond heinous, in my opinion. Even if he no longer gives a fuck, he should man up and tell you that he doesn’t so you can say, “Okay, since you don’t give a fuck anymore, I’m going to get mine one way or the other and if you don’t like it, too bad…”

      • rougedmount says:

        ~amen~ and I have almost said what you have verbatim at one point or another…he just won’t listen…just won’t talk.

  3. Chris says:

    There’s an important concept in law of “having notice.” It triggers the obligation to act, or creates the presumption that inaction is deliberate and conscious. Well, he has notice. By saying nothing, he’s accepting, at the very least, cuckold status. Give him 24 hours, maybe 48, to let it sink in. If he still says nothing, then he’s consented to a change in the details of your commitment. If he doesn’t like the new arrangement, then it’s up to him to renegotiate it.

    He’s neurologically whole, has brain waves, and has functional sexual organs. He is capable. You’re right: his lack of engagement either in the bedroom with action or in discussion outside the bedroom is the extent of his engagement, and it isn’t much for you to go on. Not only seconds, but silent, unwilling seconds – his continuing silence is his encouragement to you to supplement or replace, now openly.

  4. Dear rougedmount:

    You’ve reached the point at which I arrived about two decades ago. My guess is that the long and short of it that he is no more hetrosexual than is what’s-her-name. Making this decision means that something dies in you. At least, it did with me. But one must embrace acceptance in order not to reenter the grieving cycle continuously. You need to be ready to return to this commitment at times when you feel weak.

    To echo Chris’ thought, consider that his continual, deliberate refusal to give you the comfort you need IS his permission for you to do what you have to do for your own sanity/peace of mind.

    Village Idiot

    • rougedmount says:

      i actually have come to the belief that the man must be asexual

      • If you can enjoy sex and orgasm with other men, women, and/or toys, then the physical problem doesn’t lie with you… And if he ignores your plea(s) and instead minimizes the issue rather than face it and do something to resolve it, then again — the problem doesn’t lie with you.

        It sounds like it’s HIS problem; you’ve done all you can, woman. You can’t make him face reality; he’s the only one who can open his own eyes.

        And now that you’ve exhausted your options, short of divorce or something along those lines… Just know that his problem doesn’t have to be YOUR problem. You don’t have to feel guilty or bad for thinking about leaving or for doing so. Yet, you haven’t left yet.

        He’s shown you that he either does not love you enough to give your wants/needs/feelings any value, or that his capability or means of loving just isn’t the kind of love you want/need.

        So my question is this: As of this moment of your life, what’s keeping you tethered to the man that’s currently before you?
        (Note that this is not a question of what you fell for back then, or who he was back in the day… but a question of the here and now.)

      • rougedmount says:

        such astute observations..and i do appreciate them… my staying with him has to simply do with managing a child with special needs, which neither of us could handle alone and would result in regression of what we’ve achieved with him so far. Believe me…the idea of leaving is like viewing a mirage after years spent in an arid desert and trying to determine if it’s actually an oasis or not. But ultimately, as much as the idea of leaving one day is all that sustains me at times, the reality is, i know i won’t leave until my child is able to function at a stable level, which i am working on daily. i placed his needs above my own when i decided to become a parent and that responsibility won’t change until i die.
        Thank you for the words as they affirm that the issues are his and simply mine by proximity.

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