booty call of the wild

…busy… i’ve been so busy that i’ve not had much time to think let alone write. and my writing when its come has been as disjointed as i have felt lately. i’ve become disillusioned. worse, i’ve become afraid of emotions. i fear trusting. i expect disappointment and yet i have a nature which transposes everything naturally to the bright side of things. i am a believer in things happening for a reason and that all choices lead to somewhere.

men have become the irritant on my skin that you brush past on a woodland walk. i view them as skittishly as a wild animal might. not knowing what to expect, but inherently distrustful of their intent based on past experiences with the familiar forms. i realize that we all have motives for doing what we do and reasons which shape us and turn us towards other things, but at this time, i question things instantly.

part of me feels that much like opportunistic wolves, they will circle because they see you are wounded and are simply waiting until you are weak enough before they pounce, ready to tear into flesh and devour you, to satiate their own hunger. they want me for the simple reason that they like how i taste and it’s easier to wait until i drop for them, so they don’t have to hunt anything else. i am an easy target.

i wonder why i have such an aversion to the prospect of being a casual encounter for them. i am more than familiar with them. we’ve been exceptionally close friends, long after the affairs ended. i know their lives, their family and work situations. i know their wants and their frustrations. i have been their sounding board in their ever changing and busy lives. i have been the delicious memory they hold onto because as most males do, they hold onto the idea that they can have me once again, if they chose to. the knowledge is something which many married men would keep to themselves, even if they actually think it.

they know they can trust me. they are aware of my restrictions and have in their possession my entire life story as well. they have been an emotional support system for me and have kept in touch for years past the time any physical intimacy occurred. they have announced an open door policy for the inclusion of me back into their life on a part time and restricted basis because of their work and family commitments.

they simply can’t communicate with me as often as i need, for me to have an actual secondary relationship with them, that provides me with the physical and emotional connection i require to have an actual affair. i don’t just want a sexual relationship. i don’t want to feel like a convenience, a sex partner who is called when needed. i may as well advertise and get paid for it, because it’s just too whore’ish for what’s comfortable in regards to my expectations.

i am tempted. of course i’m tempted. the reality s that our existing level of communication would in all likelihood continue and we would simply add a sexual encounter during an evening and overnight perhaps 3 to 6 times a year when they traveled for work. it would certainly be a friends with benefits type of relationship, but not enough for me to stay monogamous to either of them. which makes me think about the possibility of including both of them and what that would mean.

mentally, that is a very different thing for me to consider because even though i feel i have been pushed into having an affair, my ideal relationship, the one i am most comfortable with, is a monogamous one. sounds funny to say especially as i am actually married. but my primary relationship gives me nothing of the mental, emotional or physical intimacy that indicates an actual relationship pairing or marriage.

i have actually told both of them on separate occasions, that if they can’t give me the time i need, i can’t give them sexual exclusion. they’ve asked me offhandedly at times if i was seeing anyone, to which i answered honestly. it’s never actually been a barrier to their contacting me or asking to perhaps get together. i wonder if it would become a bigger issue, if i actually said, yes, i am seeing someone but want to see you concurrently as well, when you occasionally call me.

i think it would be a challenge for them in some ways. the struggle between knowing they have a secured a steady, safe, sexual partner against knowing they have to share her so most of her sexual needs are being met. i should throw it out there. i will the next time i see them and see what happens. of course, being men, they would actually have sex with me and then think about it afterwards because heaven forbid they miss the opportunity to have sex.

i know i am being cynical, but honestly, you know as well as i do they are not going to say no to me, when i am in front of them. why would they? sigh. i wish i didn’t care. but i do. it would be easier if it was simply a sexual transaction, but it’s not. which makes me painfully aware of the missing level of emotional connection in my life. it’s a vicious circle leading me nowhere. i am a snake consuming its own tail while the wolves wait to tear what remains, apart.

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18 Responses to booty call of the wild

  1. ARH-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  2. I just learned recently, that once again, I am entirely too open and trusting, and devoted a mate to another man who couldn’t hold up his end of the deal. Ugh. I can relate too much to most of what you’ve penned here.

    • rougedmount says:

      ..well for that i am very sorry..

      • Shit happens. Trying to figure why it seems to always happen to me and wonder if I should just start fucking guys over the way they do me.

      • rougedmount says:

        no. don’t. be who you are. their failure to live up to the kind of man you expect them to be, is not on you. it’s on them. try to heal..try to put it in place. you obviously need to be a strong woman for what you need to handle in your future.

      • I know. I’m dealing with the anger right now. It’s a grieving process, just like with death. He’s still among the living and I’m sure going on with his life as if nothing has happened and he didn’t totally betray me. Sorry to vent

      • rougedmount says:

        u are completely right..it IS a greiving process..so give yourself some slack and credit…

  3. kdaddy23 says:

    If you act like prey, you will be eaten… and fucked…

    • rougedmount says:

      sometimes game is the most dangerous when injured…

      • kdaddy23 says:

        True enough but the “kill” is often so much sweeter when the prey fights back…

      • rougedmount says:

        lol…i simply love the nature of men..by the time they get the prize they chased..they have wanted it so much they are not content to just eat it once..they want to chew on it repeatedly

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Well, yeah! If the chase is going to be difficult, when you capture the prize, you just gotta get everything you can out of it for your effort, right? One can’t be content just to eat it – ya gotta savor it!

        Okay, yep – we like easy prey – why chase your food when you don’t have to? The thing I love about the nature of women is that they hate being prey… just as much as they want someone to make them prey. And y’all wanna know why we think you’re insane…?

        You (not you) lure us in with your looks and your scent… and then you run away when we close in… and then you get mad when you run so far away that we can’t catch you. So, yeah… when we do catch you, you will be chewed on like nobody’s business because, um, ya wanted us to chew on you to begin with and it’s also true that if you act like food, you will be eaten… and fucked… repeatedly.

  4. Marty says:

    No you should not have sex with them. That satisfies them, but not you. HE will come along.

  5. Chris says:

    The emotional connection is more volatile and unmanageable than the sexual one. You understand these men far better than they will ever understand you. In that is power, a power that surpasses their hunger.

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