advice to women

… don’t make the mistake of judging a man against the men in your family who loved and cherished you; look to his male relatives and see how they treat the women in their life, as they were his example …

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10 Responses to advice to women

  1. grhambley says:

    Advice to the frustrated tortured woman who wrote the above, what a simplistic one sided seriously impaired crock. If you desire to cast then cast both ways.

    • Ned's Blog says:

      I’ve been a follower of hers for a while, and I can tell you she’s far from simplistic or one-sided. I also don’t think she was inferring this applies to men only. I think a lot can be learned about a person — man or woman — by observing how they are treated by the opposite sex in their families, particularly fathers and brothers or mothers and sisters. It’s far from crock, and I say this from experienceas a man once divorced from a woman who was treated badly by her father and brother, and now as a happily married man to a woman loved and respected by her father and brother.

      • rougedmount says:

        in the spirit of keeping things simplistic … “exactly!”
        (you SO get me)

        A woman who has abusive and disrespectful men in her past will struggle with her own relationships. your exwife would have struggled with accepting the type of man you were. Even if she was an optimistic person by nature, it would have been hard to accept that the man she had always thought about, hoped for, imagined…actually existed. She would sabotage it unconsciously. She was probably waiting for you to change, for the shoe to drop, for the one tantrum that would make you show your ‘true’ colors. She withdrew, she was probably confrontational and combative as that was her example. Unless she undertook therapy or became self aware, it will not matter who she is with as her relationships will repeat themselves without counselling to heal her past wounds.

        Your forever wife had the experience from her past of a loving and nurturing relationship that she had with her dad and brother. She had the expectation of support and emotional connection. She knew her value and had the support she needed to break away from a relationship that did not enhance her life. You needed each other to heal from your past relationships and because of the previous wounds that your new partner helped to heal, it has made a deep connection that you are protective of and deeply proud of. You battled lions together and came out victorious. In hind site, you can see how your past lead you to make bad partner choices, and how that lead you to be where you are today…you’ve probably forgiven and learned to be grateful for everything that came before, because it brought you to the exact person you needed to be with.

        Of course my brevity in the post was because it was designed to inspire self reflection.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        Nailed it. In both instances. With every word.

    • rougedmount says:

      i’m not sure why you felt the need to be disparaging of me, as it was rather unwarranted. I’m not sure why you thought I was being disparaging to men, as that is clearly not the case if the time is taken to understand what was written. And of course my opinion is one sided…that’s why it’s considered an ‘opinion’.
      I have to say, I’m not so sure why you found offence at the truth that girls learn about how men treat women from watching how men in their own families; fathers, uncles, grandfathers, treat their mothers, grandmothers, aunts and sisters. It is their first experience with inter personal relationships.
      Girls grow into women who choose men based on the example of their own past and then have to overcome issues and biases she might have, if the example was not stellar. Judging a man based on your own positive or negative experience skews your view as a man grows from a boy who learned his own method of interaction from HIS family and not inside the woman’s family. It’s a clear delineation. Therefore, looking at HIS family dynamics gives a woman a much better example of how he was raised, how the dynamics work between partners in his family, and what type of example he has had as a man, as opposed to comparing a potential love interest, to the men in her own family. Her family experience with the men in her family, has no bearing on him as he may have been raised with an exceptionally different upbringing.
      For instance, it is easy to make inflammatory statements in a confrontational response that is triggered from an emotionally reactive position, as opposed to questioning the content of something that is not understood, for clarification which takes more time, effort, emotional acuity and self-awareness. Unfortunately, some people struggle with developing those characteristics.

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    Even that might not tell a woman anything so assuming that a man is going to treat a woman as his male elders might have taught him isn’t entirely accurate because I know that my male elders taught me, by their actions, how NOT to treat women so… If you wanted to caution women about something, perhaps they shouldn’t judge a man based on their idea of what a man’s supposed to do or be like, something I’ve seen too much of in my experiences with women to date. They want us to be “like this” and some of us make ourselves insane trying to be something that we’re not – why do you think so many men pitch a bitch about women trying to change them?

    And, yes, the reverse is true… but not always an accurate means to judge someone. Some of the older men in my family (and they’re all dead now) would hit a woman without even thinking about it or otherwise be abusive; would you (not you) judge me based on what they did to women and assume that I, too, am an abuser of women? If you did, you’d be so wrong it isn’t even funny because, as I said, what I learned from them is how not to deal with women – their way was and still is as wrong as it gets.

    • rougedmount says:

      what you’ve added IS the point…by looking at your partners familial relationships, and seeing how they act with you … you have a much clearer picture of how he is as a man…you can’t judge him based on looking how you expected him to be, based at how ‘your own’ family acted. His experience was much different. He learned how he wanted to be or learned how he didn’t want to be…either way, it’s a self aware man who learned…The failure is a person repeating the bad behaviour of the past and teaching it to the next generation or not accepting the persons authentic self, because of your own damage.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        I don’t necessarily disagree with you on this but I’m the guy who’d say that, for instance, if the menfolk in a woman’s family were abusive, she should not assume that a man she meets outside of the family will abuse her and if he does, it shouldn’t be assumed that this bad behavior was something that was passed on/taught to him by the males in his family. Yes, sometimes it is, sad to say – I just wouldn’t take this wholly as a matter of fact where every man is concerned.

        Everyone is the sum of their experiences, right? One of the things “passed down” along the generations was never to eat pussy and this is what my father strove to drive home in me and listening to my grandfather, any oral sex was never to be done for any reason.

        I heard all of this from them… and summarily ignored it, just as I discarded the abusive behaviors they tried to teach me and/or that I observed and, at least for me, the buck stopped at my father because there was no way in hell I was going to behave with women the way he and his father did and preached about.

        Maybe it’s just me, Rouged, but you’d never get the true feel of the man I am based on my familial relationships alone, just like I’d never get the true feel of the woman you are based on those same things. They say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… but sometimes it does fall far, doesn’t it?

        Now, is it true that we can learn some bad behaviors along the way and then screw the pooch by always repeating them? Yes – it is… but if we are exhibiting these things, where and how did we learn them? It’s not always because of “generational training,” for lack of a better term; sometimes, we learn them from people not of our family so it’s the bigger picture that must be seen and not merely a snapshot of the past.

        I’m not sure I’m saying all of this correctly. Like I said, I don’t necessarily disagree with you – I just know it’s not an accurate indication because past behaviors don’t always predict future actions. It assumes that a person cannot ever change or they can’t learn what’s right and wrong when it comes to interacting with women. My father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were abusers of women; those men believed in some shit that was “the way” to treat women way, way, back in the day. I know this, was taught this, and was expected to do as they said… but I didn’t; I am not an abuser of women and never have been or will be and, as such, my sons are not – and I hope they never learn to be.

        Am I saying this right? I dunno…

  3. billgncs says:

    I tell my daughters that character is discerned by noticing how a person treats people who aren’t “important”. Those who work for us or serve us or are disadvantaged are just as deserving of respect and politeness – and those people are the mirror our character is reflected in.

    • rougedmount says:

      i truly believe this as well…and i am not above any work and no work is beneath me. the same valuation is held by others, i believe. i could not be with someone who looked down on others because of what they do…all positions are valued

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