Husband, Wife, Affair Partner

What did you think would happen? You married him and then proceeded to remove your affection and withheld almost all sexual contact from him. How many times did you dismiss his attempts to talk about your marriage and the issues he needed to address? How many times did you use avoidance techniques to ensure you spent no alone time with him? You used your kids as chaperones. You fought with him over booking teenagers into your rooms during family vacations. You invited children on dates your husband planned and you pushed for them to come, even cancelling when you could not get the supervision you needed. Heaven forbid you spend adult time with your husband!

Your attempts at avoidance are comical. They are also heavily predictable. You have been told time and again that your actions are recognized and you deny it and proceed to continue to do it and pretend that the actions are not designed to create distance, as you have been told repeatedly it creates conflict. You do it anyway as you’d rather have him angry than attentive. You are so sadly obtuse. It used to create frustration or anger. Have you noticed that it barely creates any response now?

You have completely pushed him away. Every action you’ve done to make sure he had no close contact with you, has dug the trench deeper and the chasm wider. You have accomplished what you wanted, which is his disinterest in you as a wife. The only thing you forgot or ignored, is that you do not live in a vacuum and that his needs would not simply vanish because you wanted them to. In effect you have orchestrated an environment where he could not get them from you but he could get them elsewhere.

The big news is that he is not having an affair but that he has a love interest. Yes, a LOVE interest. He has found a woman who values him, not just to meet sexual needs but one who is meeting the emotional ones, you have ignored as well. He has found a woman who loves him deeply and who is committed to his happiness. She is healing him from the damage you caused because she accepts who he is, understands his flaws and she loves him as a man and not a pay check. She wants everything you have spend a marital lifetime, rejecting.

Every time they talk when you push him away, you helped them to bond. Every time you started the vigorous protocol of avoidance, you placed his hand on the phone to call and text her. Every time you rejected his offer of alone time with him, you gave him the time to spend with her. You are stupid. Your actions are inane. The saddest thing about this entire thing is that if and when he decides to divorce you in pursuit of the happiness he has found with another woman, is that you will pretend to be shocked. You will make claims how you believed you were happy and that you have been taken completely by surprise.

You will lie to anyone who will listen as much as you lied to yourself by pretending that all of your actions did not lead to pushing him into an affair he never sought out, did not want and tried to avoid. His affair is YOUR fault. YOU are to blame and nothing you say to others is going to change the truth between you and him. You might try and influence others opinion of him, by blaming him, but do you really want everyone to know the reason you are ace divorcing? Do you want them to know you are a sexless, controlling, un-affectionate woman who cares more about public appearances than your relationship with a partner? You kill a mans soul.

He is happier than he has ever been, while married to you. He is more content and more focused. He is more peaceful and has found new direction and resolve. He has gained clarity of vision both in your role and his own, in regards to how your relationship has gotten to the place it is and he has learned those things because another woman has helped guide and support him to get there. You are irrelevant. You are his nemesis. You are the person he endures to ensure his children have a stable base to grow into adulthood from. You are the source of every bad and negative thing in his life. You are not loved. You killed it a long time ago.

He has accepted the trade-off that while your kids do not see a normal, loving parental relationship, with the fact they do not see an abusive one either. You have a routine and schedule of separate lives and the more he stops pushing you for attention, the easier it is to live with you. He has discovered the impossible truth that having an affair has made his marriage better because he is no longer fighting with you over the things he needs to give value and purpose to his life. He now gets them from another woman. He has an affair partner, a woman he loves dearly. And you? You will eventually have exactly what you have shared with him all the years of your desolate marriage. Nothing.

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29 Responses to Husband, Wife, Affair Partner

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    Damned powerful words that, sadly, a lot of wives and girlfriends need to pay attention to. The relationship just isn’t about you and your needs and if you do t give your man what he needs, some other woman will – plain and simple – and it IS your fault, biatch…

  2. 'Tis says:

    agree with kdaddy, very powerful. of course this goes for men who ignore their wives and continually push them away too. It’s all so easy to see when written in black and white like this or even when you are on the non-receiving end of emotional intimacy so it always rattles my brain how the other party cannot see what is happening. it’s all just so sad.

    • rougedmount says:

      for people who desperately try and reengage their partners..for people who do not want to have an affair..the resentment factor is very high when they want to have a real relationship with a partner who is not willing to work with them on a failing marriage. They want to remain blissfully ignorant and are willing to sacrifice their marriage for it.

  3. Dawn D says:

    Yet are we sure it is giving the kids a solid base for adulthood?
    I think it is giving them a very false sense of what marriage should and could be…
    I have been on the receiving end of the emotional abuse, finding ways to get a kud-free house only for him to say he dudn’t see the point, trying to get him to come with me to therapy only to hear ‘I’m fine, you’re the one who’s sick. Cure your depression and our marriage will be fine’.
    It is hard. And I am glad my kids now get to see this isn’t what marriage should be about.

    • rougedmount says:

      every situation is so very different…and abuse is the be all and end all reason for leaving…it is much harder to make the choice to go, when neglect of intimacy is the major factor.

      • Dawn D says:

        This is not neglect. This is emotional or sexual blackmail. This is controlling and this is abuse.
        Abusers are not only male 😉
        Because the withholding of intimacy isn’t the root of the problem. It is probably only the tip of the iceberg, the symptom.
        Now, I don’t know the whole story and cannot judge her or him. Maybe she felt there were reasons in what he did or didn’t do that justified this sort of power struggle, and she withheld sex as the only way for her to have some power over her.
        Maybe it’s the way she was raised, she was never shown that you have to work at a marriage and that ‘scoring’ a well paid husband and having financial stability isn’t the only thing needed to be happy in life.
        Whatever the reason, it is sad. But it still is some form of abuse.

      • rougedmount says:

        i agree very much…witholding sex from a partner IS abusive

  4. grhambley says:

    This piece is so very good!

    You cannot lie to yourself though. Deny, defer and deflect, yes. You reach a point of rationalization and justification it isn’t a lie. You don’t reach those points then it is conscience and a question of whether or not you have one.

    I reiterate, this piece is so very good!

  5. ismeisreallyme says:

    Powerful and accurate words indeed, regardless of whether or not it’s directed to the wife or the husband etc. As DawnD wrote, there’s the aspect of emotional abuse and abandonment that is rarely, if ever, touched upon as well. *sigh* Thank you for your insights, as always!

  6. Shalom says:

    I lived the reverse… lots of truth here.

  7. Although I agree, I also believe two wrongs don’t make a right and there is such a a thing as divorce. Children are not an excuse to stay married to the wrong person because as you said they are not seeing a healthy relationship. Emotional affairs just happen, they aren’t planned but if it’s really this bad perhaps he should leave. Emotional affairs rarely stay just emotional forever especially when other needs are not met.

    This is why I practice polyamory. It’s not often that a person’s needs are met through one lover.

    • rougedmount says:

      actually I do believe that there are times that Children ARE an excuse to stay married. When a family sees a family unit and not what happens sexually between their parents…then that has no dynamic in the decision to leave. I can completely see how polyamory would work..and how it seems like a much more reasonable type of relationship to practice

      • I guess I am bitter. My husband’s parents stayed together “for the kids” and it was hell for them.

      • rougedmount says:

        believe me..i have seen the same type of marriage and it was brutal…which is why the idea of a completely dysfunctional marriage working in a family sense..is hard for others to understand. TRULY a sibling type relationship…no real drama or conflict..tons of family time…as a matter of fact..the entire marriage IS about the family … and doing “stuff”.. platonic for the most part..respectful..helpful..laughing.. but always revolving around kids needs and nothing to do with sexuality between the 2 adults present.

      • His parents fought all the time. Pretty horribly.

  8. Dear rougedmount:

    You, m’lady, have invaded the privacy of my mind. There was a day in which I would have printed and shown this to what’s-her-name. In fact, I have done so with similar articles many years past when I was still trying to connect with her. And what was the ball-and-chain’s response?

    ‘You really are angry, aren’t you.’

    At this point, I hold her in contempt. What the hades else are you supposed to do because the day after you’re hitched, one ‘partner’ decides they want out simply because marriage isn’t for them. Oh, and you’re supposed to be ‘OK’ with this… Remember — you promised to love me.

    Actually, I hold the B&C in unmitigated contempt.

    I’m still considering your exhortation to find/take a mistress. After two decades of celibacy, what difference could it possibly make to her? For my part, she is welcome to pork any consenting man, woman or beast. I care naught.

    Should any serial refuser be reading these words, I would add but one line to rougedmount’s:

    Your every act of refusal drives another nail into the coffin of your marriage.

    ‘Consider your ways.’

    Village Idiot

  9. dievca says:

    Do his actions mirror your actions with your situation? Not exactly, but in general?

    • rougedmount says:

      this is not with my affair partner but a close friends situation…

      • dievca says:

        Doesn’t matter — just thought you felt so closely and deeply, perhaps because of the parallels.

      • rougedmount says:

        ohh I understand..and yes..you are completely accurate..the parallels are almost mirror images..it’s the reason we developed such a strong bond of friendship…our understanding of the others situation is absolute to the point we can detect tone via text with a single word…lol…invaluable support system because of shared traumas and challenges.

  10. Ray says:

    You wrote the history of my marriage right there. It was an emotionless, sexless waste of my time. So glad i left. I now have love in my life and I cherish this woman with every ounce of my being. Wonderful post!

  11. darkgemdom says:

    Again
    I’m in awe of your expression.
    M

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