memories of apples

i wish i didn’t think about you every time i touch myself – but i do

i wish i didn’t compare your touch to any man who tries to excite me – they can’t

your impact on everything in my life has lasted longer than our time together

i don’t want to be challenged or to try a lover with a similar style because it won’t be you

i can’t imagine ever loving anyone or wanting anyone as much as i did you

it overwhelmed me in hyper oxygenated awareness and sucked the breath from my lungs

i’ve never responded to anyone like i did to you

it was instant and alarming in it’s intensity

it felt like falling and tumbling over and over and over again

making me dizzy and breathless with the overloaded sensations

i loved you so much

i needed you so much

and now every single sexual encounter means nothing and does nothing for me

every man who speaks to me about love and affection i don’t believe

i realize i was not going to heal overnight and magically get over you

i just wasn’t prepared to live with the reality of a lifelong loss that i can’t get past

and i am trying…  i’ve tried … i try

i force myself every single day to act like things are fine and i am normal

it’s worked in the past that faking it eventually leads to the behaviour you want

you move past a trauma because you just keep going

but what happens when you make the motions and you force the fact

and look up to realize you pantomimed the entire thing

you moved no where even though time has passed and it means nothing

physically i am ruined for any other mans touch

i don’t even want another man similar to him as i know i will compare apples to apples

it’s far easier to have oranges in my life as they are adequate and completely different

it’s not that i dislike oranges, it’s just that i prefer apples and since my last one was filled with worms and rot, i have not been able to tolerate eating them ever since.

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4 Responses to memories of apples

  1. Tara says:

    I bit the same Apple. It is poison to the soul of a sensitive person. I hope someday you heal. Is has been a long journey back for me. Wishing you the best..

  2. Pua Nani says:

    I feel the same way

  3. ismeisreallyme says:

    +1 he has ruined me in the most delicious way and in the same vein, I’m ruined for anyone else ever.

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