walls of silence

Your silence screams at me in the dark

Until I can not hear myself think

I know getting you to open up is a useless

Pointless, hopeless waste of time and energy

An yet still I need to say things outloud

I need to say them for me, not for you

Saying them lifts them from my heart

It also makes me sad

I’ve told you how to be successful

What I need to make a marriage work

And still you withhold it from me

You protect yourself against me

Refusing to open up your heart or mind

You refuse to accept your behaviour

Your actions are the opposite of what you speak

I point examples out to you which makes you defensive

The real issue is that we see the exact same thing

In diametrically opposite ways

I say we almost never had sex

You think we had sex quite often

I ask you to tell me how often is often

And you get angry and dismissive

Because you know that every 5-6 weeks isn’t often

And that is what you are trying to pass it off as

Often

Your brilliant solution for sex is to use toys on me

Because you say my response is what excites you

And I remind you that your suggestion has been tried and failed

Aroused and excited, I respond to being played with

Up until you shift position and I can see your pathetic soft penis

Barely able to be seen, not even dangling, uselessly flaccid

And I am instantly repulsed and offended

I just want you to get away from me, not touch me

Because I have visual evidence that you aren’t aroused

That you are not excited or interested at all

You may as well be taping off then painting a wall

You have the nerve to say that it’s my non responsiveness

That’s the reason you are unable to get hard or stay hard

And it has to be a lie you have told yourself and believe

Because it’s certainly not my truth

Because how do you expect me not to get angry

When it is such a blatant and bold faced lie?

I point out to you that when you decide to touch me

And your fingers find me wet and ready

That I instantly orgasm anywhere from 1-2 minutes?

Because it’s been weeks since I was touched sexually

And it’s easy to make my body respond

You know this is true

You have to

It’s not speculative because we share the same history

I refuse to listen to your lies when we both know you are wrong

Yes, you are wrong and I am calling you a liar

I can back up everything I say with multiple examples

And you have nothing to defend against what I say

Because your memories are false

It’s why you get angry when I confront you and call you on it

You think that sharing a space with me is enough

That simply trying to spend more time with me matters

When the time you spend with me is spent ignoring me

Sharing a room and no conversation is worse than being alone

You refuse to talk about sex, our marriage, emotions, dreams

You refuse to discuss any issue or problem

Unless it involves the kids or household

You refuse to speak to me

And so I escape onto the computer

Or stare out the car window

Or I text anyone who will listen

You are grateful because then you can keep pretending

You don’t want a marriage

You want an ottoman that you can use when needed

And ignore for the rest of the time

I’ve even acknowledged that I see your minimal efforts

The problem is you see them as gigantic concessions

Our perceptions of the same events are so skewed

That realistically we are not even present in the same moment

Which just serves to alienate me further

You are a bad husband and an inconsiderate man

I doubt that even after we divorce and I am long gone

You will believe that you had anything to do with my leaving

In your mind all is fine and my concerns are dismissed

After all, you did spend every Tuesday going to the movies

So how could it be your fault our marriage failed?

Once you stopped asking the kids to come as chaperones

You failed to see the silent drive there spoke volumes

The no speaking or intimate touching created distance

It fostered an environment of mistrust and exclusion

I was wide awake staring at the black night and felt numb

You refuse to listen to me when I am begging you to

I am screaming at you in a voice of quiet reason

That you need to change, need to talk, need to want me

And all you can do is deny how I feel and try to deflect

You are so damaged, so deluded, so horribly ignorant

You would rather divorce me than risk talking to me

Since you refuse, then be prepared for Alimony

Half of your pension and income are mine when I leave

I can’t make you talk to me but I can make you pay

I didn’t stay for 27 years for the payout once my best years were done

I stayed because I wanted you to be open with me and to love me

You just simply aren’t able to because I can’t accept who you are

An asexual man who is incapable of having an intimate relationship

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7 Responses to walls of silence

  1. Dawn D says:

    Though I don’t relate to all of this, I certainly relate to a big part. The different truths my ex and I experienced. The fact he never seemed interested to hear about my feelings, emotions, wants, needs… Not necessarily sexual, but in general.
    There is no alimony in my state. Only child support once divorce is pronounced. But a financial agreement can be found. Otherwise the judge finds it for us. I don’t know yet what I am most looking forward to/fear most. But I know one day I’ll be free 🙂
    I wish the same for you.

  2. Dear rougedmount:

    Asexuals will say anything to extract themselves from uncomfortable confrontation. Their concern is limited solely to exiting that situation. Having done that, the ‘problem’ is resolved. For them, at least.

    For now, I tend to agree with those who describe asexuality as a specific orientation. It isn’t homosexual, but it sure as hell isn’t heterosexual. And as I see it, orientation entails much more than to what gender we happily desire. It concerns also the way we perceive life. Sexuality and orientation play a role in defining the nature of our existence in the world, and how we perceive the world. They inform our imaginative response to the world. It is no small wonder that we cannot detach ourselves from our sexuality except by doing violence to our psyche.

    As another take on your closing remark, you are ‘accepting him as he is. You have no choice. And in the recognition that you cannot change him because he is what he is.
    I reached that point with What’s-Her-Name many years ago. And after going year after year after year after year after year not even ONCE touching her as is the nature of man and woman, she took comfort in the assumption that I have ‘finally figured it out’ and accepted what I was supposed to do.

    It never darkened her mortal imagination that withdrawal of my overtures signaled rejection of the marriage, and that I regarded her with absolute and unmitigated contempt. So long as the contempt isn’t obvious, she assumes things are ‘OK.’ It stagger’s the mind.

    I suggest that you continue your occasional conversations with your African American friend. When it is time to make your break with your husband, you might want to gain his assistance in informing your husband [so-called] why this change is necessary/happening. More on him later.

    Village Idiot

  3. Karen says:

    Honey:

    Please get a divorce. Your husband obviously has an illness that makes it impossible for him to get hard. Stop taking it personal, but also realize that you want sex. Stop being a martyr for your marriage for whatever reason….children, guilt, whatever.

    If you have kids it is not healthy for them to be in a marriage in which you feel as you do about your husband. You obviously don’t love him because you can’t forgive his ED. Why not just admit that you have a high sex drive, and he is ill?

    Divorcing is the right thing to do rather than living a charade.

  4. I am so sad for u, I hope you find some happiness

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