Pregnancy explained

There are some basic truths about men that women ignore before they are pregnant. It may be to keep the peace, it may be wilfully choosing to not examine specific traits and actions too closely. It may be that when there are no other pressures in your life, you simply ‘let it go’. Life is good. You are in love. Happiness surrounds every day of your life and with cherubic angels singing. Then you make the joint decision to procreate with this man and give him the blessing of another mouth to feed and body to clothe.

After the morning sickness passes, and after the insane over sensitive ballooning breasts stop the most painful ache imaginable, after the delight of a changing body where other people can see this amazing little belly you are growing so they know you are protecting a child inside of you, there is a period of “pregnancy peace’. It lasts roughly 6 ½ minutes, give or take 2 or if you’re lucky, 3 months.

At this point you have discovered you aren’t carrying a precious baby who is an expression of your love towards the man you’ve chosen to partner with, but a violent alien inside of your body, who is determined to torture you until you allow it to take over your body or rip you apart in it’s efforts to get out. You have been nauseous so long that you’re sick of being sick. You are constantly starving to the point where you have envisioned ripping legs off of living animals to tear into raw flesh. Then you throw up because you just grossed yourself out.

You have 25- 30 pounds of weight sitting on top of your bladder, vagina and rectum. If you’re lucky. Because unless you only drink water and eat a pre-packaged slivers of tofu daily, your woman’s body is designed to gain 87 pounds over a 17 week period. I wish I was exaggerating. I’m not. Now envision a man placing a 10lb weight directly on his balls and see how long he can comfortably function. Just the idea of that probably scared most of them.

The pressure you feel constantly, becomes torture. You feel like you have to go pee, like you will need a bowel movement, like you are tingling with sore numbness, like you have cramps, like you’ve just been kicked repeatedly in the vagina from the inside out. You start to fantasize about not being pregnant, about how much of a stupid idea this whole ‘family’ thing was. You decide you hate being pregnant and would like to change your mind. You’re done. And you actually mean it.

The more pregnant a woman becomes, the more her thoughts turn to violence. Patience is a word something non pregnant people can say about things they simply do not understand. You have zero tolerance for anything that is remotely related to anything. Everything bothers you. That comfortable person sitting down over there? You hate them. They look comfortable. That person who just ate a Cesar salad with bacon? You envision stabbing them with a fork in the eye because YOU vomit every time you eat the bacon you are craving and still managed to gain 23 pounds from it.

All of a sudden, you realize that the person you chose to father your baby with is perhaps the stupidest person on the planet and it would be best if they spontaneously exploded. Never mind not wanting them to touch you sexually, you envision ripping their penis off and ramming it down their throats until they choke and die on it. You hate them. They’re an idiot. They can’t unwrap a bread bag properly or spoon jam onto bread. Why are they eating bread anyway! You just gained 3 ½ pounds watching them eat it. Bastard.

It’s obvious that every single breath of air he now takes offends you and pushes you into fantasies of violence against him (and others) simply because he is the closest target (person) to you. You decide you should divorce him before the baby is born. You can’t handle 2 infants. He’s a useless man who spends all day on video games or doing annoying things like eating food, or getting out of bed easily, or putting on his shoes in 10 seconds without breaking out into a sweat. He probably could even wipe his own ass without feeling like he was going to sever internal organs. You hate him. You hate yourself for deciding to marry him. You hate his family for not warning you that he could sleep comfortably when you were 16 months pregnant.

The clarity comes to you suddenly, when you are a few weeks away from delivering the monster growing inside of you, who you have decided you love beyond reason in spite of it trying to kill you and thinking you may be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome ,and it’s profound. Your spouse is an idiot and chances are he’s not even the father of your baby. There is no way you would have had sex with an idiot, let alone agreed to marry him. You wonder if the wedding was actually legal. It becomes clear to you, that you must have been crazy before and it’s only now that your sanity has returned. You can finally see him for the immature, juvenile ruin’er of lives, that he actually is.

How this truth has escaped you up until right before you deliver the baby, you just can’t explain. You make a decision to not kill him because you simply can’t risk the violent  alien being taken from you and raised in foster care with un-diagnosed sex offenders and abusive criminals who avoided detection and governmental screening. Instead you hope he gets into an accident on the way home. Not a maiming one, where you have to take care of him, but one where you have to call the University and donate his body for research.

Every single moment of your waking hours are devoted to praying that the tormentor inside of you is born 3 weeks early. You read methods about inducing labor, as if you are in possession of the Holy Grail. You are willing to try anything, do anything and if your spouse has not decided to stay at work or go to live with his parents during the last month of your pregnancy, you demand his compliance in assisting you. He WILL assist you or you will take him out and he knows it.

You are not even “on” the crazy chart. You are “Full term Pregnant” and as anyone who has experienced or witnessed, that means you are completely irrational, entirely unable to reason, 100% devoted to violence and incapable of compassion, patience or tolerance. You are looking for a reason to kill something, anything. You want it like a fat kid wants cake. The only reason you can survive the last few weeks of being pregnant, is the hope that someone dares, has the audacity, to say anything that offends or upset you, so you can shiv them with your water bottle.

A pregnant woman who is about to deliver is not a miracle, she is a ticking time bomb. She has become a hardened convict, the female adult version of Lord of the Flies cast. All of her energy is centering, compressing, building pressure so that she can endure the challenge, the pain of expelling the antagonistic parasite inside of her. What you are seeing is the implosion of all that is good and rational until it’s core is a hardened ball of what once was a sane and normal woman.

Any man who has seen or been on the receiving end of, the mercurial mood shifting of a heavily pregnant woman can testify that nothing they do is right, everything they do is wrong and that no matter how closely they followed direction, what they do is not what she meant and everything is his fault. By this time, he wants the baby to be born as much as she does but for vastly different reasons. He doesn’t enjoy living with a woman who has acted like she is demonically possessed and he assumes that anything will be easier than living with the embodiment of evil that his pregnant wife has become.

Which is funny if you take a moment to think about it. Every new parent can attest that a newborn baby is an expert at medieval style, auditory and olfactory, sleep deprivation torture. They piercingly scream which triggers physical responses deep inside the primitive part of the maternal brain. The explosive and putrid sweet bowel movements seem in disproportion to such a small body. This is why I believe that God makes babies so unbelievably beautiful to their parents. It’s to ensure their chances of survival.

Babies are the switch who can turn the cacophony of violent internal emotions outwards to enable mothers to have the instinct to protect their young with a zeal and fervor that is scary to witness as an outsider, as someone who has never had a baby. Every single woman who has ever had a child, in the history of the world, can attest to the fact that she would die in protecting her child because she would be willing to kill without even thinking about it, for the exact same reason.

Mothers are not merely women. We have evolved into something more. Evolution has designed us to be the perfect protector or predator for the survival of our offspring. And any man who has witnessed the transformation during the gestation of his child, can attest to the fact that the woman he decided to have a child with, is not the woman who ends up giving birth to it. The metamorphosis is witnessed by anyone who sees her and knows her, but it’s most evident to the man she is living with.

He can take comfort in knowing that as he witnesses her violence during the last few months of pregnancy that this is the same feral response she will have towards people who she perceives as doing harm to their baby. Her violence will actually be a protective response towards their offspring, which in Neanderthal society would ensure the child’s survival. The only job a man has is to be accepting of his partners moods and to accept her short term crazy. He is witnessing a biological miracle. Even the solar system was created through the violent rending and explosive destruction of what went before it, so something new an amazing could be created.

So every time your heavily pregnant partner loses her mind, take comfort in the fact that she is behaving exactly as she would when faced with harm coming to her child. She will be the wall in which your genetic offspring will climb; she will place herself in front of, to protect, or behind to support, the child you created together. You have the privilege of witnessing the birth of not just a child, but the creation of a mother. So just shut up and look busy and for God’s sake don’t ever let her hear you complain about anything or she will lose what’s left of her pregnant mind.

This entry was posted in a womans body, Health and wellness and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Pregnancy explained

  1. Oh, come on tell me how you really feel? LOL
    An absolutely great post, one of the best you’ve ever done. I suggest that you try a double shot of Tequila.

  2. Dawn D says:

    I LOVE this, even though it doesn’t describe anything of what I experienced. At least not that I can recall 😉

    • rougedmount says:

      lol..well then you are one of the fortunate ones!

      • Dawn D says:

        No, my pregnancies were hellish in their own ways, from a preterm labor starting at 3 weeks to heavy morning sickness (why is it called ‘morning’ sickness). It’s just that I don’t recall feeling quite the way you do, nor feeling that way about my husband. Probably because I was too heavily depressed to feel anything 😉

      • rougedmount says:

        the struggle each woman goes through, in creating another life, is something that is as individual as the woman…i’m sorry you had such a hard time..

      • Dawn D says:

        Oh, I’m happy to have been able to carry them to the end and that I get to enjoy them now 🙂
        I loved being pregnant, despite all the struggles. And I loved nursing. I think this is one of the defining traits of my identity. I am a mother. 🙂

  3. HemmingPlay says:

    Terriffic. You should shop this around to see if one of the big magazines would buy the rights.

  4. Pua Nani says:

    This was so freakin funny, I was dying. You should write an advice book for women

  5. dandilyonz4u says:

    Loved it. I haven’t read any blogs at all in a while and I am happy that yours is the first one I read now that I’m getting back into the grove of things. Thanks for being so honest about whats real about pregnancy and in such a way too that non mothers like myself still want to experience it. You masked the trauma very well with your creativity. Yet again, a very beautiful post

    • rougedmount says:

      it’s the most amazing thing ever…even if you feel bi-polar… you are gifted with the true ability to truly not care what others think, simply because the world is now revolving around your changing body and the person responsible for it; and i mean the baby not the
      welcome back! hope you get your grove on quickly and am delighted you liked my post.

  6. Dear rougedmount:

    I am keeping my mouth SHUT

    Village Idiot

  7. EarthVisitor says:

    Absolutely outstanding writing….

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