parenting triage

heart to heartbreaking talk with a child today that’s left me emotionally bruised and battered. wondering. worried. desperately afraid that i didn’t make the right choices.  so much hurt and pain. mis-remembered events. such bleak and utter sadness at the carried weight of an unhappy heart of a lost soul who doesn’t know how to be anything other than he is.

flashes of clarity and rare emotional honesty have left me aching with the glimpse of who he might have been and imagining a world where choices could have been different and if things may have been better. fear. dis-associative and disruptive it surges through me at the life he’ll have or even want to be part of. afraid he’ll chose isolation and harbor resentments.

parenting is like field surgery during battlefield conditions. it gets ugly and messy in an un-sterile environment that can breed toxicity and gangrenous damage that must be amputated to save the life of its victim at enormous sacrifice. you make the best choice you can with minimal outside assistance and hope for the best. you pray for guidance and for peace hoping it all works out for the best.

and then you retreat to your room and you cry heart wrenching tears of scalding pain because you feel like you failed at the most important thing you’ve ever done and you want to die from the sorrow you carry behind the closed curtains of a day you don’t think has the right to be bright and sunny, when the reality doesn’t reflect the bloodied and harsh mess you’ve just endured.

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6 Responses to parenting triage

  1. Shalom says:

    Sending comforting hugs and Kleenex. Those were the hardest days for me, too.

  2. Dawn D says:

    Hugs to you. Yes, parenting sucks sometimes. I have had difficult conversations with some of my children (the older ones), one just last Saturday. Luckily, I now manage to stand tall and to voice my pain and hurt when they use harsh words. And am able to show them I did the best under the circumstances. Or at least what I thought was best. And we’re only human, and allowed to make mistakes.
    More hugs. Know that whatever choices you made were the only ones you could make at any given moment. Because of emotional, practical, psychological reasons. So they were the right choices. And an opportunity for growth for your children and yourself. What they take from the event is their choice.
    And even more hugs to you. Hoping tomorrow brings sun outside and in 🙂

  3. 'Tis says:

    wishing peace and comfort for you

  4. May Desert Flower says:

    Big hugs and hope you are ok xxx

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