heart to heartbreaking talk with a child today that’s left me emotionally bruised and battered. wondering. worried. desperately afraid that i didn’t make the right choices. so much hurt and pain. mis-remembered events. such bleak and utter sadness at the carried weight of an unhappy heart of a lost soul who doesn’t know how to be anything other than he is.
flashes of clarity and rare emotional honesty have left me aching with the glimpse of who he might have been and imagining a world where choices could have been different and if things may have been better. fear. dis-associative and disruptive it surges through me at the life he’ll have or even want to be part of. afraid he’ll chose isolation and harbor resentments.
parenting is like field surgery during battlefield conditions. it gets ugly and messy in an un-sterile environment that can breed toxicity and gangrenous damage that must be amputated to save the life of its victim at enormous sacrifice. you make the best choice you can with minimal outside assistance and hope for the best. you pray for guidance and for peace hoping it all works out for the best.
and then you retreat to your room and you cry heart wrenching tears of scalding pain because you feel like you failed at the most important thing you’ve ever done and you want to die from the sorrow you carry behind the closed curtains of a day you don’t think has the right to be bright and sunny, when the reality doesn’t reflect the bloodied and harsh mess you’ve just endured.