You are completely blind and deaf. You neither see nor hear what is being said and shown to you, day after day and year after year. Your willful blindness and dismissal of my needs and concerns, annoys me, no, it pisses me off. You refuse to communicate. You pretend that our marriage and life is ‘normal’ and ‘stable’ because you have your needs met. You refuse to listen to my plea’s to fix what’s desperately broken because it goes against the very premise of your belief that all is perfectly fine inside this sham of a relationship.
I’ve discovered that I can have not just a Physical affair with someone I am not married to, but I can have a deeply emotional connection to them as well. I’ve learned that I can be blatant about my affair and completely include my affair partner in my life on almost every level and it is not even looked at askance and absolutely no sign suspicion is created. The reason for my involvement with someone else, is because of your complete apathy and disinterest in me as a person.
You refused to listen to me when I told you how unhappy I was. You refused to talk to me about our marriage or our non existent sex life. You refused to participate in my life at all. Unless our children were involved as purposeful chaperon’s, then you had no intent of maintaining or growing the relationship I believed we were entering into, when we got married. You used our children as a way to block me from spending any alone time with you.
I am not staying in the marriage because of any love I once felt for you. I’m not staying because of the financial or professional reasons that would inevitably arise once we separated. I am living a double life for one reason alone and it’s because I am a good parent. I am sacrificing my wholeness, my happiness, my sense of morality and peace of mind to ensure that my children do not have to endure the uncertainty of our divorce.
Our children see a strong parenting unit. They see family time and activities. They see traditions and normal household management. They see the strong bond that we share in regards to putting family first and they will be stronger for it and better able to adapt to their own challenges as they grow into adulthood. They do not witness conflict or voices raised in anger. They see security and stability.
They don’t realize that we share the same type of sibling relationship they have with each other. There is no intimacy or couple relationship between us. We have an asexual union based on raising children and absolutely none of my needs are met as an individual. None. Your refusal to listen to me and work with me to improve things has completely severed my ability to treat you as a real partner anymore. You have become an adversary, a catalyst for my trying to have those needs met elsewhere.
If I did not believe that the damage to our children caused from a separation and divorce would be too great of a burden for them to endure, I would have divorced you years ago. I don’t believe it’s fair to them to suffer because you failed so completely in being a suitable partner for me. You pretend all is well, while being told it isn’t. You use sex as a weapon or as a reward to be doled out on your terms with conditions that are impossible to meet or adhere to. You lie to yourself every single day because you think that I have accepted your rules for engagement. I haven’t; I simply have all my needs met elsewhere now.
Just because I no longer try and force you to talk about our marriage, doesn’t mean I have finally accepted how things are between us. It means I have found someone else who does a better job at being a suitable partner to me, even on a part time, limited relationship, than you have ever been. You’re content to refuse, deny and to pretend while I want reality, acceptance and communication. It’s a paradox of honesty and secrecy and I am well aware of how absurd it sounds even when it’s a perfect reflection of the reality of how my affair works.
Now that I have an affair partner, we both have what we want and need to make us happy. You expected me to live in a monogamous relationship with you and be accepting of the limited scope of our sexual, mental and physical relationship. You seemed to believe that by denying me the very foundation of what I needed, that it would somehow keep me connected to you, as I kept trying to make things work within your limited parameters. It didn’t. You built a chasm between us that I could no longer ignore or cross.
I am simply living with you as a roommate and now seem complicit in following your rules, because they no longer matter to me. I tolerate them, because I have another life you are not part of now. Our marriage is over and I accepted its demise once I realized how much you have kept from me. My presence in our shared home and life, is for the benefit of our kids who should not suffer because of our failed connection.
My affair only serves to bridge the gap between our family commitment and my authentic life. It means you get another 5-10 years of the fake marriage you believe is adequate and it means our children will not have to go through their parents separating until they are old enough to mentally handle the change to their circumstance. This isn’t the life I envisioned we would share when we first got married and it would be easy to resent you for pushing me away, for refusing to fix things between us.
I am working hard at accepting your rights to have the type of relationship that works for you. If you do not want a sexual or intimate relationship, I shouldn’t force it onto you. If you do not want kissing or touching, I should not try and convince you. If you want to never hold hands or to go on date nights, then it’s not my place to keep pushing them on you. You have a right to be treated like a celibate sibling instead of a spouse if that’s the type of relationship you need to be happy.
I finally ‘get it’ which is why I stopped trying to get you to meet me half way. You get the life you want by my accepting the limitations you need and now I get the relationship I need because I have found it in another person, who has the same needs as I do. The only thing that is lost is my ability to be faithful to you while enduring an impossible situation. When you broke faith in our vows to be a life partner to me, I endured it as long as I could. Your constant rejection finally made it possible for me to understand you’ll never be able to give me what I need to make a successful long term marriage.
If my affair gets discovered, I know I am going to get the blame for cheating. No one will think twice at judging me. People will presume that any issues we had should have lead to a divorce before an affair. The vocal minority will believe you when you claim ignorance to my plea’s for balance and to resolve our numerous marital issues. To be fair, I truly believe that you have fought so hard to believe nothing is wrong, you actually have yourself convinced of it.
Even if I was prepared to discuss our non existent sex life with others, I am not going to divulge the intimate details of our failed relationship to assuage the curiosity of others. I know you will feel the need to blame me and not be accountable for your part in my affair. The fact is, if you had listened or even remotely tried, I would never have been forced to discover that I don’t need you in my life and that my needs could be met elsewhere.
I am having an affair to help me endure the demise of our marriage and to keep a stable family based platform for our children. My staying married to you now, has nothing to do with wanting to be married to you at all. I am ready for a divorce and mentally have left you already, which is why I was able to actually have an affair in the first place. My decision to actually file the paperwork will happen only after I am sure it will bring the least amount of conflict to the children or if you discover the affair despite my best efforts to shield you from it.
If you do discover the affair, I am not prepared to go to counselling or try and repair a marriage that failed years ago. Again, I will be seen as the ‘bad guy’ for not trying every avenue before just giving up on the marriage. I’ve tried for years to make you listen to me and you refused, so extending the inevitable is simply not going to work for me once you actually believe we had marital issues, as evidenced by a discovered affair.
I’m sorry you refused to believe me when I said our marriage was in trouble. I am not sorry for having an affair to help me endure the last few years of our marriages demise so I could mitigate the impact to our eventual divorce to our children because of your absolute neglect of our relationship.