marital affair

You are completely blind and deaf. You neither see nor hear what is being said and shown to you, day after day and year after year. Your willful blindness and dismissal of my needs and concerns, annoys me, no, it pisses me off. You refuse to communicate. You pretend that our marriage and life is ‘normal’ and ‘stable’ because you have your needs met. You refuse to listen to my plea’s to fix what’s desperately broken because it goes against the very premise of your belief that all is perfectly fine inside this sham of a relationship.

I’ve discovered that I can have not just a Physical affair with someone I am not married to, but I can have a deeply emotional connection to them as well. I’ve learned that I can be blatant about my affair and completely include my affair partner in my life on almost every level and it is not even looked at askance and absolutely no sign suspicion is created. The reason for my involvement with someone else, is because of your complete apathy and disinterest in me as a person.

You refused to listen to me when I told you how unhappy I was. You refused to talk to me about our marriage or our non existent sex life. You refused to participate in my life at all. Unless our children were involved as purposeful chaperon’s, then you had no intent of maintaining or growing the relationship I believed we were entering into, when we got married.  You used our children as a way to block me from spending any alone time with you.

I am not staying in the marriage because of any love I once felt for you. I’m not staying because of the financial or professional reasons that would inevitably arise once we separated. I am living a double life for one reason alone and it’s because I am a good parent. I am sacrificing my wholeness, my happiness, my sense of morality and peace of mind to ensure that my children do not have to endure the uncertainty of our divorce.

Our children see a strong parenting unit. They see family time and activities. They see traditions and normal household management. They see the strong bond that we share in regards to putting family first and they will be stronger for it and better able to adapt to their own challenges as they grow into adulthood. They do not witness conflict or voices raised in anger. They see security and stability.

They don’t realize that we share the same type of sibling relationship they have with each other. There is no intimacy or couple relationship between us. We have an asexual union based on raising children and absolutely none of my needs are met as an individual. None. Your refusal to listen to me and work with me to improve things has completely severed my ability to treat you as a real partner anymore. You have become an adversary, a catalyst for my trying to have those needs met elsewhere.

If I did not believe that the damage to our children caused from a separation and divorce would be too great of a burden for them to endure, I would have divorced you years ago. I don’t believe it’s fair to them to suffer because you failed so completely in being a suitable partner for me. You pretend all is well, while being told it isn’t. You use sex as a weapon or as a reward to be doled out on your terms with conditions that are impossible to meet or adhere to. You lie to yourself every single day because you think that I have accepted your rules for engagement. I haven’t; I simply have all my needs met elsewhere now.

Just because I no longer try and force you to talk about our marriage, doesn’t mean I have finally accepted how things are between us. It means I have found someone else who does a better job at being a suitable partner to me, even on a part time, limited relationship, than you have ever been. You’re content to refuse, deny and to pretend while I want reality, acceptance and communication. It’s a paradox of honesty and secrecy and I am well aware of how absurd it sounds even when it’s a perfect reflection of the reality of how my affair works.

Now that I have an affair partner, we both have what we want and need to make us happy. You expected me to live in a monogamous relationship with you and be accepting of the limited scope of our sexual, mental and physical relationship. You seemed to believe that by denying me the very foundation of what I needed, that it would somehow keep me connected to you, as I kept trying to make things work within your limited parameters. It didn’t. You built a chasm between us that I could no longer ignore or cross.

I am simply living with you as a roommate and now seem complicit in following your rules, because they no longer matter to me. I tolerate them, because I have another life you are not part of now. Our marriage is over and I accepted its demise once I realized how much you have kept from me. My presence in our shared home and life, is for the benefit of our kids who should not suffer because of our failed connection.

My affair only serves to bridge the gap between our family commitment and my authentic life. It means you get another 5-10 years of the fake marriage you believe is adequate and it means our children will not have to go through their parents separating until they are old enough to mentally handle the change to their circumstance. This isn’t the life I envisioned we would share when we first got married and it would be easy to resent you for pushing me away, for refusing to fix things between us.

I am working hard at accepting your rights to have the type of relationship that works for you. If you do not want a sexual or intimate relationship, I shouldn’t force it onto you. If you do not want kissing or touching, I should not try and convince you. If you want to never hold hands or to go on date nights, then it’s not my place to keep pushing them on you. You have a right to be treated like a celibate sibling instead of a spouse if that’s the type of relationship you need to be happy.

I finally ‘get it’ which is why I stopped trying to get you to meet me half way. You get the life you want by my accepting the limitations you need and now I get the relationship I need because I have found it in another person, who has the same needs as I do. The only thing that is lost is my ability to be faithful to you while enduring an impossible situation. When you broke faith in our vows to be a life partner to me, I endured it as long as I could. Your constant rejection finally made it possible for me to understand you’ll never be able to give me what I need to make a successful long term marriage.

If my affair gets discovered, I know I am going to get the blame for cheating. No one will think twice at judging me. People will presume that any issues we had should have lead to a divorce before an affair. The vocal minority will believe you when you claim ignorance to my plea’s for balance and to resolve our numerous marital issues. To be fair, I truly believe that you have fought so hard to believe nothing is wrong, you actually have yourself convinced of it.

Even if I was prepared to discuss our non existent sex life with others, I am not going to divulge the intimate details of our failed relationship to assuage the curiosity of others. I know you will feel the need to blame me and not be accountable for your part in my affair. The fact is, if you had listened or even remotely tried, I would never have been forced to discover that I don’t need you in my life and that my needs could be met elsewhere.

I am having an affair to help me endure the demise of our marriage and to keep a stable family based platform for our children. My staying married to you now, has nothing to do with wanting to be married to you at all. I am ready for a divorce and mentally have left you already, which is why I was able to actually have an affair in the first place. My decision to actually file the paperwork will happen only after I am sure it will bring the least amount of conflict to the children or if you discover the affair despite my best efforts to shield you from it.

If you do discover the affair, I am not prepared to go to counselling or try and repair a marriage that failed years ago. Again, I will be seen as the ‘bad guy’ for not trying every avenue before just giving up on the marriage. I’ve tried for years to make you listen to me and you refused, so extending the inevitable is simply not going to work for me once you actually believe we had marital issues, as evidenced by a discovered affair.

I’m sorry you refused to believe me when I said our marriage was in trouble. I am not sorry for having an affair to help me endure the last few years of our marriages demise so I could mitigate the impact to our eventual divorce to our children because of your absolute neglect of our relationship.

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15 Responses to marital affair

  1. Joseph Pinto says:

    From a man’s point of view – amen!

  2. juliemontgommerynews says:

    Good for you! Wow, what an outblast— that’s all you needed to say. “I’m having an affair”. It’s quite simple; most people try not to tell though. Hahaha

    • rougedmount says:

      that’s the antithesis of what should be said when you determine that children are the absolute priority in a dissolute marriage filled with disappointment. silent acceptance provides the veil to cover the eyes of a spouse who does not want to see and to cover the affair that is needed to keep a neglected spouses’ sanity.

      • juliemontgommerynews says:

        well, yes, you are right although I’m far from seeing exactly how your marriage is going, I agree that an affair can really smooth things along and reduce expectations (that are not met anyway).

  3. Shalom says:

    I lived in a ‘marriage’ so achingly similar to this for 14 years and began a bicoastal affair 6 years into the lost 14. I relate to the double life, the stability for the kids and the blindness your mate thrives on. My son never suspected anything less than ‘normal’, even when Daddy slept in a different room than Mommy every night. We split when my son was 16, but his autism allowed has allowed him to feel the loss of his parents (even though I’m not his bio mom) far less than kids who have a normal range of emotions. For that, I’m grateful.

    At some point, it will be right for you to divorce and only you’ll know the proper time. Fuck those who try to pressure you to act before you’re ready or judge you for the affair or caring for yourself.

    • rougedmount says:

      you truly understand and i am very sorry that you do…

      • Shalom says:

        The sorrow has passed with time, distance (1100 miles or so), 3+ years alone and learning to love myself. When our relationship changed and D/s was offered as our way, my happiness began to deepen immensely at Master’s mind, heart and hand.

  4. Dawn D says:

    I understand where you’re coming from and also realise you have a special needs child that makes things very different from my own situation.
    I recognise myself completely in the part where you have been saying for years something is not right, you need to have your needs and wants at least acknowledged even if not met. I had exactly that for at least 4 years before he ‘decided’ that we needed counseling. I too was forced outside of the marriage for some physical solace, though my solace was mostly emotional. I regained my identity as a woman in seeing someone.
    However, my approach differs from yours. I decided to go for a divorce. Probably because I am the child of divorced parents and suffered from their divorce deeply, even though it happened when I was in my late twenties, expecting my second child. This made me realise a few things: I hurt, even if I was ‘mature enough’. I wish my parents had divorced 10 or 15 years prior because at least one of them managed to become happy after the divorce, and the other one is starting to regain control over her life. If they had divorced earlier, both would have had a shot at a happy life earlier. And I wish my mom had shown me that you don’t have to stay in a relationship where you are miserable. If she had done that when I was younger, I may not have married my ex. And I probably wouldn’t have stayed as long with him, trying to make things work.

    I understand you stay for the sake of your children. I left for the sake of mine. I don’t know who is right. We probably both are 😉

  5. Village Idiot says:

    Dear rougedmount:

    A strong premise followed by material that resonates with people generally earns the rating of a ‘good read.’ Your writing differs in that you offer an embarrassment of literary gems each of which alone merits articles. Yet these you weave into a solitary post.

    Engaging as it is filthy, your mind seduces continually. I cannot fathom how a man could not be moved by so passionate a woman. But then, can you imagine how a woman could be as dead inside as mine? Would to God they married each other. Then they could express their love to each other by proving how LITTLE they need each other, while we joined ourselves to someone who actually wanted to stoke the smoldering passion of life.

    The first paragraph made me recall that I wondered often how so much sacrifice in our respective relationships could be shot so blithely down the insatiable, asexual rat hole, and yet have that COUNT FOR NOTHING! THAT wasn’t even compromise! THAT was NORMAL! That was the point from which you are supposed to become reasonable and offer ‘compromise.’

    You bang your head against the psychological wall [or perhaps one more concrete]. What do you do? Laugh? Jeer? Cry? Explain? Scream? Just endure? In the end, it matters naught. [S]he won’t change.

    And having done everything in their power to push us into the arms of another, still they perceive themselves the injured, guiltless one, the offender of a partnership that never existed except in his/her own mind.

    I have expressed my opinion already that you are entirely correct to see his behavior as breaking faith with vows. And again, to acknowledge that our partner will never be able to give what is needed to make marriage succeed is in the end a matter of simple honesty.

    So, rougedmount, you’ve no argument from me for your doing what you do. I man truer to himself would have done long ago what I have entertained only recently. And I’m of a mind that should the day of parting come, at least some in your real time life will see that there is another side to the story he will tell.

    Village Idiot

    • rougedmount says:

      I truly want to thank you for the exceedingly kind words. I struggle with expression at times…and simply cataloging my emotional state of mind seems to be a poor example of ‘writing’ when considering the words of others. I am glad that what I’ve said resonates with you and others. My hope is that comfort is gained through comradely. That perhaps someone not quite as lost or so deep in denial, may stumble upon the words and see themselves before it’s too late to fix things.
      As to those who chose to live in denial? They deserve the solitude they so desperately want.

      • Village Idiot says:

        Dear rougedmount:


        Never doubt the evocative power of the simple catalogue, particularly when addressing those spurned in love.

        Others cursed dried, windswept imaginations before you. William Shakespeare read John Donne and said, ‘my pen is dried up.’ See? You could have worse company. And yes, comradeship is comforting, which is precisely why those who walk the same path in their own world will always respond to your powerful, beautiful, warming, sensuous words.

        And never feel that your words must be word-and-letter perfect. My posts are not particularly polished. We have interruptions. Often, I try to do a post in the little window rather than a word processor. My previous post failed to distinguish those who ‘perceive themselves as the injured ones’ from the offender of a partnership that never existed.’ One references our partners, and the other we ourselves. But people decipher our posts anyway. Writing is like driving a vehicle; we’re all idiots sometimes.

        I read of your life of emotional alienation and then of your struggle with your son. Truly, rougedmount, you humble me. However useless/crappy/failed/self-disgusted/exhausted/defeated you feel on any given day, you are no failure. You sometimes feel that you have no reserves whatsoever. Let this sink in, rougedmount. I’ll type slowly so you’ll be sure to get it [I’m teasing]. Weak people don’t do what you do. They don’t do it. And even if they do have down periods, weak people don’t do what you do year after year, decade after decade.

        You are no weakling and no failure.

        So much of my own path is so screwy I have little patience to explain it. The Ball-and-Chain regards sexual affection as an ordeal to be endured. That this could actually be a beautiful love-gift to another never darkens the b&c’s mortal imagination. How twisted is that? But here, I don’t HAVE to explain. YOU know exactly what I am saying. If you did nothing more than scream, that would have meaning. Never stop writing. We need this safe place.

        My heart goes out to you, as I know yours does for mine and others.

        Village Idiot

      • rougedmount says:

        thank you for letting me know my words make a difference

    • Shalom says:

      Beautifully articulated in its sadness, especially the ending paragraphs.

      • Dear Shalom:

        Thank you for beautifully spoken words. Joy is our preferred beauty; but where we must settle for sadness, well … we still have to cling to the beauty.

        Village Idiot

      • Shalom says:

        Sometimes our days are bittersweet– joy mingled with sorrow, as mine was today.

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