impartial past

Memories should have long faded with the passage of time and yet stand in such sharp contrast to the reality of my world, that the moments seem like they just occurred. I close my eyes with the weight of the past and I can feel the scratch of his scruff against my sensitive skin and smell that scent that is his alone. I raise my fingertips to trace my lips, surprised they are no longer bruised and swollen from his demanding kisses.

Time has passed and life has been lived and yet there is nothing separating me from his presence in my life. I’ve tried solitude and placing myself in chaos and nothing has worked to move me forward past the moment I became stuck; mired in the mess of broken feelings and tangled strings; fearful that the lost love is found every day, with every unbidden memory and physical craving for his touch.

The phantom pains of our instant separation throb every time I try to step forward. His absence is a daily reminder that my unrequited love was not reciprocated. Yet the beautiful face of a dishonest man haunts me and impacts me years after I walked away from him and accepted my decision with the finality of absolute certainty, that he was not worthy of the gift of my love.

And it feels like I’ve self-mutilated, creating slashes of wounds across my body and mind  to distract myself from the emotional burden my choices have carried with them. Realistically, I know and understand that I took a chance at love and I misplaced my trust. I am aware of lessons learned and the importance of not becoming jaded. The reality is once your heart has been broken, after it was so newly repaired, it impacts you far longer than you realize.

I am not angry with him. I am not idle with the inertia of broken dreams for him. He contacts me occasionally, asking how I am and giving me a glimpse into his life. When I see his message, my heart squeezes and it takes all I am to stand firm in resolve to not allow him purchase, access, back into my present life. He is in my past for a reason and will belong there forever. It’s living with the ache of wanting him, that will last for the remainder of my life that at times, is hard to manage.

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6 Responses to impartial past

  1. ismeisreallyme says:

    “It’s living with the ache of wanting him, that will last for the remainder of my life that at times, is hard to manage.”…gulp. sums it all up. truly. {hugs}

  2. kdaddy23 says:

    There are things that a lot of us wish we could forget, things and/or situations where, perhaps, we weren’t at our best, wasn’t the smartest thing we could have done, or maybe even feel some regret about. We’d prefer to forget these things, to put them behind us so we can continue to move forward… which is about the same time we find out that, in truth, we never forget anything; we find that there are lot of memories we cannot access but there are some that we can latch onto easily as if those event happened yesterday.

    We want to forget those things, to never have them pop into our conscious mind unbidden; we don’t want to remember the lust we felt, the sensations of being made love you and what it was like to orgasm with them and then not be able to remember these things in such exacting detail AND in so detailed that our bodies will actually respond to those things, bringing the heat of lust, the passion of love and, to our horror, the thrill of orgasm because while we’d love for our mind to forget, our bodies may never forget.

    We don’t want to remember these things because the whole situation was just one big shitty mistake we made; it would be better for us if we were to never, ever remember those moments, which will never change the fact that we can and will remember them. We wind up trying to convince ourselves that there are reasons why we should forget and never, ever remember one single moment connected to the memories and just when we think we’ve banished those memories, that’s when we find out that we haven’t…

    And we will never be able to. When it’s happened to me, I’ve come to accept that I cannot banish or otherwise evict these memories because subconsciously, I don’t want to forget them because for the good or the bad, those events meant something, something important in my life and when that happens, I just shake my head over the futility of trying to do something that, obviously, I cannot do. Time, which is supposed to heal all wounds, proves to be ineffective against such memories; I can remember events like yours that happened decades ago just as if they happened fifteen minutes ago; I can experience all of the emotions of the moments as if they’re still actively in progress and, yeah, some of them can produce a lusty ache inside me that is maddening… but not as maddening as my apparent inability to forget is.

    I might sigh or shrug my shoulders or act as if those memories mean nothing in the here and now, all the while knowing that in trying to do this, I’m just bullshitting myself because I’ve long since learned that there are some things I can never forget and won’t be allowed to forget.

    • rougedmount says:

      the intensity of longing is as strong today as it was years ago…there are some people who touch our lives and impact us for a lifetime, even if they were not meant to be present in our lives on a daily basis.

      • kdaddy23 says:

        Don’t I know it! They touch our lives, impacts us in a lot of way and, yeah, some of them not so good and we want to forget that we ever knew them… but we never do and time doesn’t lend one damned thing to our ability to forget them… or the necessity to forget them.

      • rougedmount says:

        i knew it when it happened.. when you feel a life changing moment, it stays with you.

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