abusive wine

dear wine, i’m not sure when you started to hate me, but it’s obvious you have been trying to break up with me for a while now. like all people desperately in love, i have been trying to hold on and make things work with you. i really can’t imagine a life without you. the time we have spent together has been some of the most amazing in my life.

i’ve been willing to endure your increasingly abusive behaviour, simply because i keep lying to myself, saying that things will get better or that things weren’t as bad this time as it was last time. the point is, i keep seeking you out and inviting you back into my life when you clearly have made your preference to not be with me, evident for anyone with eyes to see.

sure the excitement of being with you and taking you inside my body after a long absence makes me giddy and wonder why i wait so long to connect with you. we have such a fun time together that at first i miss the signs that things aren’t exactly as they seem. at some unidentified point, you start to turn sour. you start hurting me. before long my stomach is bruised and i am incapable of normal functioning because of the pain.

it used to be that you cradled me in your welcoming arms as i drifted into sleep and now you keep me up so you can keep slamming me with reminders of why you don’t want to be with me. what’s worse, is seeing you take others to bed and giving them what i once had with you. it makes me nauseous seeing the different way you treat me now, compared to how things once were. it twists my gut into a churning mass of confusion and despair.

i can’t even understand or comprehend a world in which we aren’t together. i can’t envision a perfect sunset without you or how we would enjoy each others company over a robust and epicurean delight and knowing that should never happen again. how can i give you up? how can i walk away from you, even knowing how much you hurt me? you are completely irreplaceable and i know that. you know that.

i know you hate me. you despise me with a ferocity that i never saw coming and couldn’t believe over the time you increased your abuse towards me. and now it’s not just family and close friends who notice how you treat me, but others as well.  i haven’t even been ashamed because i made excuses for you. it was my fault for calling you too late or for being in a place or position you didn’t like.

over the last few months there were so many rules when we would see each other that i found it hard to keep everything straight and often made mistakes. you would never let me forget them. you’d make me pay in the worst of ways for my carelessness. it didn’t matter if i saw you for a brief or extended time, the consequences were always severe. tonight i realized it has to stop.

you’ll never be there for me as you once were. it’s clear that you are no longer able to give me what i need. i’m not sure who’s fault it is or if blame even matters. i am positive i shall feel better without you, yet i still can’t imagine how my life will actually work without you. even though we didn’t spend a  lot of time together, the moments we had, were so special to me. i’m going to miss that.

i’ll miss you forever my dear friend, even though in the end you abused me badly. i’ll miss sharing new memories with you when we both breathed deeply enjoying the air surrounding us. you have been a constant companion through the major events of my life and as much as i know you have to leave for my well being, i am going to miss you forever. i’m done with the damage you cause, the sleepless nights spent in agony and won’t be calling out your name in excitement anymore.

goodbye wine. i’ll miss what i thought we had. the reality ended up being far removed from where we started and i finally accept that i am the only one who can change things. you don’t want me anymore. i see that now and i am finally ready to let go of you for good this time.

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9 Responses to abusive wine

  1. Dawn D says:

    I love how you wrote this.
    I’m sorry you have to let Wine go. But he is often a tricky companion…
    Chin up, if not elbow any more, and you’ll get through this just like you went through everything else 🙂

  2. juliemontgommerynews says:

    Yes, well, tricky nut. It’s Hell living a double life, though better than nothing.

  3. oceanswater says:

    Oh my, I hope I never have to break up with wine, but you are being very strong indeed…

  4. Shalom says:

    A tough leaving indeed. Time to embrace a healthier addiction perhaps? 😉

  5. Jimmy says:

    how about that, just yesterday I also have resolved to give no alcohol a go, serendipitious!

  6. just curious..what if you had to see “wine” every day for work or school or some other daily obligation. Would it be so easy to let it go? To forget and push past, to bury memories and act as if nothing had happened at all? Thanks for being so openly honest.

    • rougedmount says:

      well in this instance ‘wine’ is actually wine … in regards to any relationship that does not work, can not work, then you define the type of relationship that it has to be and then you proceed to live it as if it is. it doesn;t matter if it’s not how you feel in your heart or mind..it’s the choice to make in which to live in peace. it is complicit dishonesty with yourself, but not everything that we enjoy is good for you.

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