half and half

He is struggling with guilt and processing what it means to have me in his life. He is worried about what would happen if his children discovered his affair. He wonders why he pushed so hard to start something with me. He had no idea what it would mean, to end up with what he was asking for. He hasn’t thought about how his wife would react if she found out, though I think he is starting to now that I have prompted him to. He thinks an affair is far harder than having casual sex and moving on.

He’s making plans for months from now. He wants me to be happy. He’s not sure he can give me what I want. I’ve not asked for anything and he is aware of that because in some ways, he said it makes things harder. He may think ‘this’ is too easy. He may worry that I want more than I do. Maybe he is worried about ‘him’ wanting more, though I doubt it as he is so focused. It’s a strange place, being aware of the rules and the issues and guiding someone through the maze, who would prefer to remain in the dark.

Part of me doesn’t care, part of me does.

I’ve thought so much about my relationship with my spouse over this last year. He’s trying so hard but not listening to what I tell him I need. So he’s making huge efforts that are completely wasted. I spell out for him that I need to talk about our marriage. That we have to discuss our sexual dysfunction and issues surrounding it. By “our” meaning ‘his”. But it impacts me greatly. I resent that I have to resort to sex with another man, just to feel an erection inside of me.

I don’t want to have an affair, but I also don’t feel like I have a choice. But unlike other situations I’ve had, I’m not exactly happy. I feel more resigned that it’s the only option which works. It’s not ‘his fault’. He is a stable and honest man. It’s truly a pining, a long held remorseful reflection, for the man I wish my husband could be if he tried, if he listened, if it mattered to him. I have clear evidence that he can change and sustain it, I’m just not sure why he is so adamant against being honest with me when I’ve pushed so hard for it.

Part of me doesn’t care, part of me does.

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7 Responses to half and half

  1. Shalom says:

    Understanding hugs and good thoughts sent your way, Rouged.

  2. Anonymous says:

    My dear rougedmount:

    I have often felt that this situation pits our existence and our sexuality against each other. After dealing with this for years, I learned to loathe myself, loathe my sexuality, and to turn against it.

    The most damning thing about all this is that we really don’t want to go outside; on the other hand, we die on the inside by staying where we are. Such contradiction, and utterly needless. And still, our spouse has no comprehension of the internal life that we lead, and/or why it matters.

    It defies human comprehension.

    Village Idiot

  3. Ray says:

    Such truthfulness. Hang in there.

  4. ismeisreallyme says:

    half and half. limbo. purgatory. on the precipice of a what may be an untenable position. I find that lately, while it is half and half, I am asking myself why do I care more than why don’t I care? My way of saying that I know of what you speak {{hugs}}

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