things didn’t totally suck this year and while i feel slightly ungrateful to not appreciate the relative stability, i also have to acknowledge that i purposefully stood still with my back to a wall, content to hide in the shadows long enough to catch my breath and try to decide what direction to take once i’m finally ready to step out behind the relative safety of my self inflicted isolation.
i honestly don’t know where i am at in regards to the relationships in my life right now simply because i don’t trust any of them to be real and authentic in the way i need them to be. but this is of my own choosing because i need to, and want to, stay in limbo as it suits the greater need i have for stability, not just for myself but the other people in my life.
i am going to spend more time in developing me again; i need to spend more time alone to recover myself so that i remember why i fight so hard to keep everything stable. and with everything that requires balance, i need to focus on my core and the rest will come easier. i need to live in the day, every day. i have to forget about yesterdays as it can’t be changed and i need to stop looking at tomorrow, as it’s not promised.
some good people have found their way into my life and it suits their needs to have me in theirs right now. i am going to try and accept what they give me for exactly what it is and put no conditions or limitations on it. i have been afraid of being hurt again. i still am. but i am not willing to live carefully and quietly anymore. it’s not who i am. it’s time to take some chances.