There are times, when as a mother, you feel like such a failure that the emotions threaten to choke you into immobility. We all go through issues with children. Some people face illness or mental issues that change the plans you had for your child’s life or limits the range of possibilities they’ll have for their future. We adapt, we struggle and we eventually learn a new normal as we move forward.
When you are dealing with a child with cognitive issues, which include behavioural responses, then you end up in such a struggle for balance in your life that it makes it impossible at times, to see clearly past what you are going through. Today I am feeling the pressure and lack of control that comes with the collapse of a bad day.
A bad day is any day that involves asking my son to do something he does not want to do. It’s asking him to get off his computer and participate in life or to do an assigned task he is more than capable of. I can not control or manage him any longer and his father is useless at it. His father is confrontational with him, which simply does not work. My son becomes verbally abusive and combative and directs the conflict towards me, even when I am not involved.
I am so tired of this battle. It’s never ending. And it is impossibly hard some days to remember that I have responsibilities to myself that I have to take care of as well. I feel like I’ve failed on multiple levels today simply because I lost my temper and that loss of control is never beneficial at any time, but especially when you are confronted with multiple melt downs in the house already.
This is not the life I thought I’d have. Not the responsibilities I thought would be mine. It’s hard to see other young adults working towards a future; going to school, getting jobs, taking on adult responsibilities and then being faced with my son who will never accomplish any of those things. His limitations aside, his oppositional defiance and refusal to work when he can, has made it impossible to try and assist him without resentment.
Nothing works and nothing matters and yet I can’t just cut him lose as you would with another child who was acting the same way. I can’t find a balance and all solutions fail, some worse than others. I am just so sick of setbacks and disappointment. It piles up on top of me so thickly that the weight of it becomes impossible to manage at times.
Part of me thinks I should at least be grateful for not having the major issues that accompanies the chronically ill or incapacitated, but in many respects it’s harder, as I would have access to more services or at the very least, understanding.
Instead, I have to suck it up; every single bad day that comes my way with a child who is an adult man who tantrum’s like an over tired 4 year old child when he doesn’t get his way and who scares me with the potential for his violence. I just hate days like this when it all feels like one massive failure.