night terror

startled awake, heart pounding, my eyes fly open to see the dark room of night

in that brief moment of sudden awareness, i mentally check my environment

i’m in bed, my spouse is beside me; in fact he is still spooning and holding me

i notice my breathing is shallow, panting and i try to calm myself down

as obviously i must have had a nightmare that woke me up

only i can’t remember what it was, which is so unusual for me

i can’t breathe, my heart won’t stop pounding and i keep swallowing

my mouth is watering like i’m about to get sick, my stomach tightening

i can feel my bowels rolling and i lurch from laying down to sitting

legs dangling from the side, hands clutching the sheets at my side

head bowed, shoulders hunched i start to pant and gulp air into tight lungs

it’s as if i’ve been running and over exerting myself and i clutch my chest

pressing a fist to sternum i try to make myself aware that nothing is wrong

chanting you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine, as a mantra to the truth that i’m not

knowing that everyting is wrong and my physical response is in reaction to my mind

pathways i did not want processed and memories i wanted to keep buried

jolted and jarred me awake as my subconscious fought with my soul

leaving my heart beating rampant and my body ready for flight with a soured stomach

i can’t get off the bed and leave the room fast enough

stumbling in my precision exodus to get away, to run away, to save myself

as if the location is toxic and fouled instead of the hidden thoughts of my heart

i will not speak them or given them a voice so their power becomes real

they do not exist if they are not acknowledged and may one day be forgotten

awake until i purge my demons, i seek shelter from whats nameless and abandoned

greedily looking for exhaustion to claim me into the fog of dreamless sleep

This entry was posted in depression, Poems, Who I am and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to night terror

  1. I wonder if your life really is this interesting, if you’re just a master storyteller or both. Either eay, always look forward to your posts. Thanks for sharing.

    • rougedmount says:

      this was written just moments before posting, by the glow of my laptop in the family room i vacated to. wordpress; my chosen security blanket that i use to self soothe for comfort. writing for me can sometimes be an urgency. words i need to expel in order to stop them from circling in a chaotic fashion inside of my mind. when it comes to me that way, unless i can write i almost become nauseous from the effort it takes to focus through the words trying to organize themselves in a confined environment.

      as to the nature of my life – i often find that what one becomes used to, what you normalize, can indeed be extraordinary to others who have a different vantage point. the interest may lay simply in the novelty of expression. so many people view their lives as one dimensional. i see facets. emotions and feelings and interactions are all at risk to become analyzed and disseminated because human nature being what it is, is richly complex and vastly interesting.

      the fact i can organize an event or emotion has been a gift i’ve neglected for far too long and honed over a lifetime. i am simply an adept student of my life with aspirations to be a master craftsman of my vocation before mortality settles upon my shoulders as an old and weary woman. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment in the darkest hours of my night.

  2. Dawn D says:

    First I’d like to point out that there is a difference between nightmare and night terror. What you experienced is probably a nightmare (heart pounding, physical reactions). Night terror is the thing that happens close to sleepwalking: you move, scream, but are fast asleep. You don’t remember what happened unless someone tells you it did.
    Then I’m thinking: burying them may be a short term fix, but long term, you may want to actually use your beautiful words to voice what is really bothering you. If you don’t want to share them with us here is not so important, But I think looking your problems into the eye is the only way to be able to start fixing them. Though I understand that it is not something one necessarily wants to do, I thing you do realise that they do hold a power over you, even if you don’t speak them, since they had the poser to wake you up. I found that writing these words helps me feel lighter, taking power away from them rather than giving them more, a bit like if I was standing up for myself in front of them, not allowing them to overpower me, just like standing up to my abusive husband and for myself gave me strength.
    And sometimes, allowing words to express the thoughts that disturb us help us realise those are children’s misconception and look at things in a different light. At least that’s how it worked for me 🙂

  3. oceanswater says:

    It may go a little deeper than that, though many may poo poo… You ranted so much on Marcus yesterday that perhaps he was trying to communicate with you. I know he liked your writing a lot and in the early days of a soul passing, their spirit lingers between both worlds for a short time. I know this for sure, for it had definitely happened to me…

  4. May Desert Flower says:

    I’m glad you are using wordpress as a way to calm. Big hugs ❤

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