forced affair

once you are forced to cheat

as opposed to simply being a cheater

you find that you are guiltless

it’s not a matter of compartmentalization

you don’t even have to justify your decisions

your actions are the direct result of a difficult marriage

your faithfulness was abused and taken advantage of

you were expected to give fidelity and live with abstinence

and live with the imposed restrictions of a sexless marriage

the guilt should be felt by the partner who denies you

the mate who refuses to be your sexual partner and outlet

the spouse who wants all the perks and entitlements of marriage

without working at the relationship in an effort to maintain it

communication becomes irrelevant as you aren’t listened to

eventually you can’t live being alone while married anymore

you desperately want to leave your spouse and live an authentic life

but your kids are more important than your needs and so you stay

the real outrage is pushing a faithful partner into another’s arms

the blame of an affair falls onto the shoulders of the partner who pushed

not the one who fell into something they never wanted or looked for

there is a major difference between being forced to cheat

and those who cheat opportunistically and it’s called intent

playing the victim card when you orchestrated the distance

planned the disaster and expected your partner to accept it

borders on delusional and relies on your partner keeping quiet

your horrible secret is years of emotional abuse and sexual denial

let’s see how sympathetic people are once they hear the other side

the side that martyrs your spouse for enduring you for so many years

for the benefit of your children and publicly accepting blame

you are at fault for pushing away someone who wanted you

someone who never wanted to cheat and believed in commitment

you don’t have to forgive them for cheating on your marriage

you have to forgive yourself for forcing them into an affair

your actions of sexual dismissal violated the marriage

theirs in staying supported keeping the family together

in-spite of how you cut them out of a normal, healthy relationship

they were only human and needed the physical love you refused to give

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16 Responses to forced affair

  1. this is so perfect – may I reblog?

  2. oceanswater says:

    My sentiments exactly!!

  3. Dear rougedmount:

    Thank you for this. Many times, it has occurred to me that at the heart, our promise is not ‘forsaking all others’ but ‘I take you.’

    In the face of continual, belligerent, defiant and often insolent rejection, I really can’t see that what’s-her-name takes that vow seriously. Nothing like doing everything within your power to push your beloved into the arms of another and then calling ‘foul.’ The very premise of marriage eludes them. If such people could see themselves as others see them …

    And God forbid that anyone be found guilty of giving and receiving the love of another.

    I speak here as a fool … but of course, you know that.

    Village Idiot

    • rougedmount says:

      i just find that there is a dramatic difference between people who cheat and people who are forced to. the pathologies and motive are vastly different. i wish i’d thought to use some of your wonderful words..”belligerent, defiant, insolent rejection”.. it’s easy to judge before you have an understanding and even then you have no right to castigate another for the choices they made. live your own life and deal with your own issues and don’t presume to have the right to inflict your stringent point of view onto someone who has fought a personal battle you know nothing about.
      you’re no fool

  4. disconcerted72 says:

    I have had many debates about the nature of affairs, because I wanted to justify my own indiscretions. I have come to the conclusion that in relationships where cheating occurs, the act of cheating is selfish – it’s designed for the benefit of the one doing it. Now, I don’t believe that the fault creating the conditions are the cheater’s fault, but the cheater certainly acts on it. I have always had the belief that if my wife were to cheat on me, I would wonder what I did to make her feel like she wouldn’t want that attention from me. But being on the other end, as a cheater, I have experienced the assumption that there is no reason to do it. On some level, I agree with both sides…and yet, disagree with both sides.

    And I have also claimed there are many ways to violate the vows of a marriage – forsaking all others is only one. There are promises to cherish, there are promises to keep the other’s best interests at heart, there are promises to treat the other like they are the most important aspect of your life…so, there are many ways to cheat.

    • rougedmount says:

      there are.
      and once your spouse stops having sex, stops long before you file for divorce? 3 weeks? 2 months? how about 6 months of feeling neglected and then you move out, file separation papers and get a partner who WILL talk to you and WILL have sex with you?
      does having kids impact the length of time you accept neglect before you leave? or are kids collateral damage to the revocation of intimacy of your partner? sorry kids…it’s been a bad month and so im divorcing your parent. good luck with that.
      some people are pathological cheaters who have no intent on being faithful…i hate them…they are liars and evil to the one person who trusted them and believed in them and they knew they were lying.
      but the other kind..the kind who devote years to trying to make things work, who struggle to stay together and fix the relationship, the person who finally ends up cheating so they can at least get by the last few years of their parental obligations before divorcing the person who removed themselves from your life as a true partner…those cheaters are not cheaters in their hearts or minds..they are forced by a spouse to a cause of action they resent.

  5. Dawn D says:

    I totally understand HemmingPlay on this. There is always some element of guilt. and twinges of regret. I know I have them.
    This talks of my situation so eloquently, I’ll have to reblog if you don’t mind…

  6. Reblogged this on The Woman Invisible and commented:
    Love this line of thought

  7. Dawn D says:

    Reblogged this on Dawn's Nights and commented:
    Rouged mount express very well what it felt like for me too…
    I never considered myself a cheater. I didn’t let myself be one for 25 years. I didn’t even feel like considering it at all, except early on in my relationship, that is to say at a time when, had I considered making a move, it would simply have meant that one relationship was over and I was going with a different one). But eventually, it became a matter of survival. I wasn’t forced with a gun to my head, but it was either I did this or I accepted surrendering to that existence forever…
    It’s easy to blame the cheating partner, but as with most things in relationships, there is a joint responsibility. My divorce is not final yet and I fear that he will try to use it against me. But I also know that I won’t stand being bullied any more and I’m prepared to show what my life was like when I decided to accept the ‘affair’. This bounces back to my posts explaining how it all got started…

  8. pivoine68 says:

    That pretty much puts it in a nutshell. Funny how we always imagine that we are the only ones living this kind of life. Excellent post!

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