I’ve never been with a truly submissive man before and I am finding that the learning curve for me is massive. With one exception, all of the men in my past were submissive to my sexual authority, but none of them I would classify as a ‘submissive’ man by definition. It has created a lot of experience to discover the motives behind why I am capable of successfully having this type of relationship and even enjoying it immensely when that’s not what I expected at all.
All of the men in my past, liked me as a demanding, sexually powerful woman. One who would accept their advances and then demand her own needs be met. I found that most men love when a woman is sexually explicit, demands oral sex from them or to have their partner use toys on them. It arouses them to chase her but it mentally stimulates them when she turns and pounces on them.
Most of the world assumes that submissive people are into pain, bondage and spanking. Submission comes in so many forms that the menu selection can appear daunting unless you learn exactly which type of submission you are dealing with. I neither have the experience or the ability to get into a topic I am so incredibly new at exploring, though I do have a few observations.
A Domestic Submissive loves to serve you. They have sexualized ‘tasks’. They want to do the laundry, clean the bathroom, mow the lawn and fix the drywall holes. They want to cook the meal and do the dishes after they serve you dinner. They want to be told to go buy your favourite wine and open it for you and then rub your feet when you recline and relax. I can see how tempting it would be to have a domestically submissive man in your life. Keeping them in a constant state of arousal by allowing them glimpses of panties or lingerie and only limited touching.
For people who are Submissive to an authoritarian figure, a parental figure, there is a psychological component to the interaction where they view their authentic sexual self as being regressed. They don’t want the responsibility of their own sexual actions and aroused responses. They want to feel as if the rules are made and enforced by the Dominant who has their best interest in mind. They’re not so much interested in the sexual release but the mental one that comes with abdication of responsibility.
The submissive man I am with reverts to a very childlike persona when I am with him sexually. I peel the layers of his adult male life away until he is held in my arms like an infant searching for and finding comfort. The reason I find it so fascinating to witness and to participate in, is that he changes so dramatically between the two personalities. The fact that he is aware of and can express himself about the metamorphosis makes me understand that he is not dealing with an underlying psychological condition that would pose harm to me or himself.
He does not require physical pain as part of his submission to me, though spanking is incorporated as part of the corrective method I use while enforcing the structured environment that makes him feel safe. Both of us are aware he is complying because he wants to and not because I am making him. for him, it is the knowledge that I will stand up to and not just challenge him but become overbearing and completely authoritarian if forced to.
My preference is for teasing and laughter, for sensual hugs and touching. But if he can not be reached by my initial contact because of the stress he’s brought with him into my presence, I know almost immediately and use corporeal punishment to snap him into the present, where his focus narrows to my world. Inside of my world he has no responsibility and no choice. He has to listen to me or he faces consequences. My world is very traditional and he is very much treated like a favoured little child.
The maternal authoritarian in me combined with a sexual submissiveness in him, means that I represent female power to him. He seeks me out for emotional comfort even though I have provided physical pain. He is actively pushing boundaries because no one in his real world challenges him on a personal level and when it comes to business he is vicious in building and maintaining his interests, which is why he is successful.
What I find fascinating is that as submissive as he is to ‘me’, he is absolutely not to anyone else. He is actually quite protective of me and being with him makes me feel quite safe and secure. It’s the first time I have ever felt that a man would defend me on a substantive level, if anyone ever harmed me. He is stubborn, brilliant, highly educated and would use all of his influence and means to ensure that I would not suffer due to someone else’s negligence or stupidity.
I find that I have to remind myself of his concerns and his request to be patient with him as he moves forward in this journey with me. My instinctive response is to run and cut ties. If distance is given, allow the distance simply because I am not chasing anyone who is not interested enough to contact me. I allow for a wide margin of expectations and do not ‘upset’ easily. I need stability and do not like it when an outside source has the power to alter my perceptions of security.
He has reiterated several times now that everything happening between us is new to him and he will occasionally struggle with trying to balance the ideas of maintaining his marriage while being in love with a mistress; the fact that I understand and support that, makes him able to deal with his feelings, if given time to process things. His work also impacts our connection as when he is busy he is busy.
I have advised him that I will not reach out to him normally, when I know he is working, because he can not engage me as he needs to. This matters because his mind shifts when talking to me. He struggles with being in his dominant world and then speaking to me in his submissive one. I can see how I would be a distraction to him and will explain it to him so that he sees the space I give him is actually to his benefit and not a separation from being involved in his life as a Dominant.
How this is going to play itself out, I have not even the slightest idea, simply because it’s uncharted territory both of us. He has never had an affair or been in love with a woman besides his spouse and I have never been a Dominant, responsible for the care of someone who relies on me on a psychological level for sex, nurturing, understanding, trust and companionship.
The one truth that I seem to have found, is that he is committed to me; committed to making what’s between us, work. He is a driven man with focus and I think he is going to start applying some of those resources to how he engages with me on a personal level. He is afraid but certain. He is not going anywhere anytime soon. I am going to learn to trust that, the longer we are together.