he has fears

because he has fallen in love with me, it’s scared him and it means he is going to occasionally panic as he did 2 days ago. he thinks about me constantly. he wants to spend more time with me. he wants to start talking on the phone often, perhaps daily if possible. this is all new for him and he wants to do it right and do it well. he doesn’t want to do anything that risks losing me and it’s made him slightly afraid to share if something isn’t working for him. he’s afraid it will mean i end things.

when i see the businessman side, the public side he wears for the world, he is bold and direct. he is firm and powerful. he is decisive and demanding and while he considers his senior executives, he never loses sight of how he wants things run. in his personal life, he is not used to being accountable to his wife. they live very separate lives and have for years and so it is not a natural action for him to consider what he does as he has very much lived as a single man since his kids have gotten old enough to be on their own as young adults.

his life consisted of work or family and all else he added in occasionally worked as passing things that serves as distractions or to enhance his life.  yet here i am. someone he chose and chased and wanted. at first he thought it may be fleeting. an interaction that would be for a brief time and end mutually with fond smiles of a shared time together. he did not expect to love me. he did not expect to like me as much as he does. he did not consider the possibility that 5 months together is no where near long enough for what he wants with me, and it scares him.

he’s never had ‘an affair’. he’s never been emotionally involved with anyone other than his spouse and girlfriends from his youth. everything that happens between us is the unknown for him. i excite him more than just sexually and i challenge him. he wants to protect me from the business side of his world and the stress he faces from that. his wording was very exact. he’s placed me with his family in terms of how he wants to engage with me and the value of importance he has placed on me in his life.

he is afraid of my not seeing the balance of good days bad days in his work life and only seeing the side where he is upset. he will not let it happen with his family and he does not want it to happen with me. he fails to see that i see him as a whole and i can help ease his stress so he is not doing it all alone as he is used to. i suspect that over time, he will see this and accept it. for now, i will let him manage it because i think as he opens up more and trusts things, it will change.

he is very aware of my being upset and he hated it. we spoke on the phone after texting for hours. it always surprises me hearing him open up and being so vulnerable to me. i am not used to it. he needs to see me; wants me to look into his eyes and he wants to feel like i’ve heard him. he wants to reassure me as much as himself. he’s asked me to help him get over times when he panics. he’s asked me to stay calm and reassure him during the time he is afraid so that he can get his bearings and come back stronger and feeling secure again.

he feels the longer we are together the easier it gets for him but it’s also harder in some ways as he wants to send more time with me and that leads to frustration for him. he wants to talk about emotions and feelings when we are together and it delights him knowing how uncomfortable that makes me. for me writing is so much easier. i hate when a man sees tears in my eyes and hears emotion in my voice. it makes me feel too vulnerable and weak.

i had forgotten that he had asked me to be stable for him when he showed fear. if i had remembered, i would not have reacted like i did with assumptions and fear of my own. he wants to be with me, wants to stay with me and is making no changes to his life or our relationship. he just needs adjustment time as he grows into our relationship and learns to trust it; learns to trust that i plan on staying with him.

the plan is to see him tuesday and while i said i couldn’t spend the night, i’m pretty sure i will be going to. he is asking if i can get away for a few days again in the beginning of january. i’ll tell him i want to go to new york city or montreal. he needs the break from business and i have had to turn down all his prior requests. he wants more than 2 days and a night. he wants a lot more and i think that’s what making him so afraid.

This entry was posted in Affair and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to he has fears

  1. babyd21713 says:

    oh thank goodness…..I feel better now as I was so worried about you two!

    I guess maybe I still do believe in love……hmmmmm I need to ponder this more LOL!

  2. dragonfly918 says:

    You’re gonna hate me and I don’t blame you one bit. When I was told by several people, as I was in the throes of my obsession, that it would all end badly, I would reply very politely, thanks for your concern, but Fuck Off.

    It’s wonderful. It’s lovely. It’s bliss. But it’s a devil’s bargain. Falling in love with your paramour (and him with you) will put you between fire and ice if you both choose to remain married to your respective spouses.

    I do wish for you to be happy, to circumvent disaster, to have it all work out for all concerned. To prove me a needlessly paranoid doom-sayer. But my hands wring with fear for your heart.

    • rougedmount says:

      i truly do understand your concerns. i am more than aware of the pitfalls of loving someone you aren’t married to.there will not be a disappointment for him as i will be able to help him keep his feelings for me in perspective if he forgets the reason he added me to his life in the first place.
      no situation is changing. he has me to make his life easier so he can stay married to the woman who raised his kids and who he wants to share his senior years with inside a large family. i know what this is and can make sure he he has what he wants as well, which is a future with his wife. that very thing was placed in jeopardy because of his sexual frustration, which he no longer has.

      • dragonfly918 says:

        If you can keep the status quo, and not lose your heart, then all will be well. I was stupid and fell in love. And being in love means wanting to be with the beloved, and when he is married, he will not have the time for you that you crave. It’s truly hellish.

        May this continue to fulfill,your needs–and his, although that’s not my concern.

      • rougedmount says:

        it is what it is and will last as long as it’s supposed to… i’m sorry for your heart hurt…

  3. ismeisreallyme says:

    an adjustment. i was so new when i met him, thinking i was in it for the fwb aspect and of course i fell in love. clichéd as it is. when he pulled back, i didn’t know what it was. as we charted our course it came about that like yours, he had indeed become entangled and attached. it scared him. we agreed to meet in the middle. in the parameters of what we are, can be, in parallel to our real lives. it is what it is, as you say, and with work and luck, we will last for as long as it’s supposed to be. thank you…

Share your thoughts...I did

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s