because he has fallen in love with me, it’s scared him and it means he is going to occasionally panic as he did 2 days ago. he thinks about me constantly. he wants to spend more time with me. he wants to start talking on the phone often, perhaps daily if possible. this is all new for him and he wants to do it right and do it well. he doesn’t want to do anything that risks losing me and it’s made him slightly afraid to share if something isn’t working for him. he’s afraid it will mean i end things.
when i see the businessman side, the public side he wears for the world, he is bold and direct. he is firm and powerful. he is decisive and demanding and while he considers his senior executives, he never loses sight of how he wants things run. in his personal life, he is not used to being accountable to his wife. they live very separate lives and have for years and so it is not a natural action for him to consider what he does as he has very much lived as a single man since his kids have gotten old enough to be on their own as young adults.
his life consisted of work or family and all else he added in occasionally worked as passing things that serves as distractions or to enhance his life. yet here i am. someone he chose and chased and wanted. at first he thought it may be fleeting. an interaction that would be for a brief time and end mutually with fond smiles of a shared time together. he did not expect to love me. he did not expect to like me as much as he does. he did not consider the possibility that 5 months together is no where near long enough for what he wants with me, and it scares him.
he’s never had ‘an affair’. he’s never been emotionally involved with anyone other than his spouse and girlfriends from his youth. everything that happens between us is the unknown for him. i excite him more than just sexually and i challenge him. he wants to protect me from the business side of his world and the stress he faces from that. his wording was very exact. he’s placed me with his family in terms of how he wants to engage with me and the value of importance he has placed on me in his life.
he is afraid of my not seeing the balance of good days bad days in his work life and only seeing the side where he is upset. he will not let it happen with his family and he does not want it to happen with me. he fails to see that i see him as a whole and i can help ease his stress so he is not doing it all alone as he is used to. i suspect that over time, he will see this and accept it. for now, i will let him manage it because i think as he opens up more and trusts things, it will change.
he is very aware of my being upset and he hated it. we spoke on the phone after texting for hours. it always surprises me hearing him open up and being so vulnerable to me. i am not used to it. he needs to see me; wants me to look into his eyes and he wants to feel like i’ve heard him. he wants to reassure me as much as himself. he’s asked me to help him get over times when he panics. he’s asked me to stay calm and reassure him during the time he is afraid so that he can get his bearings and come back stronger and feeling secure again.
he feels the longer we are together the easier it gets for him but it’s also harder in some ways as he wants to send more time with me and that leads to frustration for him. he wants to talk about emotions and feelings when we are together and it delights him knowing how uncomfortable that makes me. for me writing is so much easier. i hate when a man sees tears in my eyes and hears emotion in my voice. it makes me feel too vulnerable and weak.
i had forgotten that he had asked me to be stable for him when he showed fear. if i had remembered, i would not have reacted like i did with assumptions and fear of my own. he wants to be with me, wants to stay with me and is making no changes to his life or our relationship. he just needs adjustment time as he grows into our relationship and learns to trust it; learns to trust that i plan on staying with him.
the plan is to see him tuesday and while i said i couldn’t spend the night, i’m pretty sure i will be going to. he is asking if i can get away for a few days again in the beginning of january. i’ll tell him i want to go to new york city or montreal. he needs the break from business and i have had to turn down all his prior requests. he wants more than 2 days and a night. he wants a lot more and i think that’s what making him so afraid.