time or money

i’m pretty sure things are over as i believed them to be, with my most recent lover. with a suddenness that is surprising and slightly unexpected as it’s all happened over the last 36 hours. i asked for honesty. he disclosed he felt an obligation to speak with me at night. the added pressure to chat added stress to his life.

i asked him if he required us to change our communication frequency. his answer was to say we would discuss it the next time we made arrangements to get together. yet we have no plans to see each other. what’s to discuss? there is no point in discussing something that he has already put into practice by his virtual absence.

he said texting is difficult for him. apparently it’s just difficult between him and i as he uses it for work and family. he had not been online since the discussion 36 hours ago and it’s been the longest we’ve gone without talking, including when he was overseas. so now i am ascribing a major significance to his absence that has since proven accurate.

i believe this non communication is evidence of his withdrawing from the relationship as opposed to a balancing of a relationship that occurs between couples who are negotiating what will and won’t work for them. right up until this moment, all appeared fine. i even went so far as to tell a friend last night that all was easy with him and i could see us being together for a while.

if he can’t provide me with the frequent communication i need and am so desperately lacking then i can not provide him with the sex he is missing. i have been accepting of his busy life and schedule and have never put pressure on him for anything more than what he has given ,only to find out that what he gave, was not given freely but out of obligation.

if he can not provide the bare minimum communication that i have compromised to accept, that i need to feel included in his life, then there is simply no reason for me to stay with him. he is basically saying he can only text with me over the week end. the week end when my entire family is around and i don’t have privacy.

he’s asked to call me tomorrow. yet with the new information i have just been given (that he finds chatting via text medium ‘difficult’) i find that i don’t want to. in the last 5 months it’s the first time he’s asked to speak to me on the phone. it’s also the first time since i’ve started speaking to him, that i don’t want to speak to him, via text, phone or in person.

“this is new for me. i want to try and balance everything. i make everyone happy – safe – that is my job. i want to make you happy too.”

at the moment i am not happy, i do not feel safe and realize this relationship is not stable.

i said i needed time to think and to adjust to the things he’s revealed and that i do not want to speak to him tomorrow. he’s asked me to tell him when i do want to talk. at this point, is there really any point of having a conversation with him? what’s to discuss? he’s already said he does not want to continue texting me in the manner i find adequate.

i won’t accept being contacted only to arrange for sex. and to be honest that’s not even what he’s asked for. i am not asking for a full time relationship, just a stable part time one that meets some of my needs. not all. just some. but paramount in my needs is the one for communication. i can handle the fetish sex and being completely dominant when the reality of my authentic sexual self is to be submissive sexually, even as aggressive as i am.

so at this point, i am not sure if he is actually withdrawing in an attempt to end things or if he is trying to change things between us to be a sexual relationship only. the other option is that this may just be a part of a normal balancing of a relationship when you reevaluate your needs and expectations. the issue i am having, is this is not the page i thought we were both on. i do not like feeling unaware and unprepared. i do not like feeling i am not in control or in charge of what’s between us because of the damage i’ve accrued in my past.

to be honest, i don’t want to deal with this. i don’t want to adjust. part of me understands that we need to have a discussion but i simply don’t see the sense in doing it. especially now that i know he views chatting with me as an obligation. that doesn’t work for me. and you can’t take back things once they’ve been said and you can’t unlearn what you now know. being in proximity to someone is not going to alter what’s been exposed.

i don’t know if he wants to be with me as an affair partner. i don’t know if he just wants to call me up when he needs sex. If it’s the first, then I need the communication. If it’s the later, then he can pay me $1000  for the service I’ll provide him. if he doesn’t have time for a lover, chances are he’ll have the money for the convenience of a whore.

This entry was posted in Affair and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to time or money

  1. There are many of us here to listen … hang in there

  2. Don’t call yourself a whore, that’s not what you are by a long shot. Try not to stress out about it and give it a little time to play out. If he wants to call it quits, we all know that he doesn’t realize what he’s losing. You seldom find the right person on the first try and need to have faith that your ray of sunshine might be the next guy you bump into.

    • rougedmount says:

      if i were to exchange time for money…i would be paid and be a whore…and to be honest..that wouldn’t really bother me if i chose to go down that road with someone who needed/wanted that type of arrangement, if it worked for me. at this point it is not him wanting to quit..it’s me.
      i want and need ‘easy’. i will not allow things to become complicated and nor will i allow my needs to not be met. my needs are not simply sexual.

  3. dragonfly918 says:

    It’s the nature of the beast.

    As a married woman you have your restrictions. Having an affair with a married man who has the same type of restrictions will always end up a dead end. There can ultimately be no “relationship” other than a purely sexual one. Emotions are messy and they start to conflict with our primary relationship and we start to want things that are not appropriate in the situation. Extramarital affairs cannot last long by their very nature, just as frost slowly succumbs to the sun.

    • rougedmount says:

      i have no issue in keeping any relationship i have, separate from my primary one as they are SO dramatically different. my spouse is a ‘sibling’. no emotional connection, no physical connection, no connection of any kind. my ‘real’ relationship all lay with other people from friendships to support. normally, when i bring someone into my life, i expect that relationship to last years. i can manage it. what i have discovered is that many men are not used to a woman like me and have trouble accepting a completely honest woman who can and does express herself. they are used to playing games…and i don’t do that…ever. i WANT the restrictions that having an affair with another married person has. I do NOT want lives to change. It is a simple exchange where I can have communication and physical needs met and they can be with a woman who wants only what they are free to give. What I do not want is dramatic change after terms have been negotiated and accepted.

  4. Hang in there….so many of us need this type of communication that we can’t be asking for miracles. We just have to find the right guy. In no world is texting difficult. People who have you on their mind, text.

    • rougedmount says:

      he’s contacted me this morning…
      he has made it very clear that he is not going anywhere and knows he has concerned me. he said he is not going anywhere. he does text me..but wants to change the frequency. he does not want to text when he is stressed. the issue is he is stressed almost all the time because of his work. he has said a few times now, that he does not want to bring issues with him when he is with me. i see a shift in that is how he treats his family. he keeps them apart from work. i wonder if he realizes the implications of what that might mean. now that i understand that this is not a withdraw but a balancing, he is moving me to a more intimate side of his life. i am not sure how to handle THAT information either. The last 48 hours have been a series of surprises, concern and adjustment….which is a ton considering there has been nothing in 5 months.

  5. Dawn D says:

    Hope you find the balance you are seeking. Soon.
    I too crave for simple. I too have ‘complicated’. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. 😦

Share your thoughts...I did

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s