i’m pretty sure things are over as i believed them to be, with my most recent lover. with a suddenness that is surprising and slightly unexpected as it’s all happened over the last 36 hours. i asked for honesty. he disclosed he felt an obligation to speak with me at night. the added pressure to chat added stress to his life.
i asked him if he required us to change our communication frequency. his answer was to say we would discuss it the next time we made arrangements to get together. yet we have no plans to see each other. what’s to discuss? there is no point in discussing something that he has already put into practice by his virtual absence.
he said texting is difficult for him. apparently it’s just difficult between him and i as he uses it for work and family. he had not been online since the discussion 36 hours ago and it’s been the longest we’ve gone without talking, including when he was overseas. so now i am ascribing a major significance to his absence that has since proven accurate.
i believe this non communication is evidence of his withdrawing from the relationship as opposed to a balancing of a relationship that occurs between couples who are negotiating what will and won’t work for them. right up until this moment, all appeared fine. i even went so far as to tell a friend last night that all was easy with him and i could see us being together for a while.
if he can’t provide me with the frequent communication i need and am so desperately lacking then i can not provide him with the sex he is missing. i have been accepting of his busy life and schedule and have never put pressure on him for anything more than what he has given ,only to find out that what he gave, was not given freely but out of obligation.
if he can not provide the bare minimum communication that i have compromised to accept, that i need to feel included in his life, then there is simply no reason for me to stay with him. he is basically saying he can only text with me over the week end. the week end when my entire family is around and i don’t have privacy.
he’s asked to call me tomorrow. yet with the new information i have just been given (that he finds chatting via text medium ‘difficult’) i find that i don’t want to. in the last 5 months it’s the first time he’s asked to speak to me on the phone. it’s also the first time since i’ve started speaking to him, that i don’t want to speak to him, via text, phone or in person.
“this is new for me. i want to try and balance everything. i make everyone happy – safe – that is my job. i want to make you happy too.”
at the moment i am not happy, i do not feel safe and realize this relationship is not stable.
i said i needed time to think and to adjust to the things he’s revealed and that i do not want to speak to him tomorrow. he’s asked me to tell him when i do want to talk. at this point, is there really any point of having a conversation with him? what’s to discuss? he’s already said he does not want to continue texting me in the manner i find adequate.
i won’t accept being contacted only to arrange for sex. and to be honest that’s not even what he’s asked for. i am not asking for a full time relationship, just a stable part time one that meets some of my needs. not all. just some. but paramount in my needs is the one for communication. i can handle the fetish sex and being completely dominant when the reality of my authentic sexual self is to be submissive sexually, even as aggressive as i am.
so at this point, i am not sure if he is actually withdrawing in an attempt to end things or if he is trying to change things between us to be a sexual relationship only. the other option is that this may just be a part of a normal balancing of a relationship when you reevaluate your needs and expectations. the issue i am having, is this is not the page i thought we were both on. i do not like feeling unaware and unprepared. i do not like feeling i am not in control or in charge of what’s between us because of the damage i’ve accrued in my past.
to be honest, i don’t want to deal with this. i don’t want to adjust. part of me understands that we need to have a discussion but i simply don’t see the sense in doing it. especially now that i know he views chatting with me as an obligation. that doesn’t work for me. and you can’t take back things once they’ve been said and you can’t unlearn what you now know. being in proximity to someone is not going to alter what’s been exposed.
i don’t know if he wants to be with me as an affair partner. i don’t know if he just wants to call me up when he needs sex. If it’s the first, then I need the communication. If it’s the later, then he can pay me $1000 for the service I’ll provide him. if he doesn’t have time for a lover, chances are he’ll have the money for the convenience of a whore.